Consciousness -- Rethought

I read this article -- and I almost cried. Not because of the tragedy behind it all, but because of how this man dealt with it all.

"'I screamed, but there was nothing to hear,' he said, via his keyboard.

The Belgian former engineering student, who speaks four languages, said he coped with being effectively trapped in his own body by meditating. He told doctors he had 'traveled with my thoughts into the past, or into another existence altogether'. Sometimes, he said, 'I was only my consciousness and nothing else'. "

Only his consciousness and nothing else.

I need The Red Book to come out now.

IMPORTANT EDIT: Due to a wonderfully enlightening comment posted on this entry (thank you Mark D), some new information has been brought to the forefront. My only reaction to all of this is that people have some wonderfully wild imaginations, and that despite the truth coming forward, the moment was not lost, and I am still really excited for The Red Book. The idea that perhaps this man is actually stuck in his mind with only his consciousness is still a question that is unanswered -- that idea alone is what I took from the article to begin with, and despite its validity, I think it's worth sharing.

Learning

Tomorrow I embark and an exciting journey. With a team of 4 our students, I am going to create an iphone application over the course of three days while 2,000 attendees of the Learning 2009 conference watch us, chat with us, and then hear us present in front of them on the final day of the conference. To say the least, I'm a bit nervous, but more than anything I am excited for this incredible opportunity to help put Champlain on the map. The conference is about celebrating learning, and learning is something that I know I'll do while I'm there. I also hope that I can help other people learn by watching our experience and seeing the result of what we try to achieve.

For more information on what the conference is about, check out Learning 2009.

On another note, my Advanced Seminar game, titled "Euphony" is coming together. Most of my artwork is implemented, and although I've got a pretty major bug, I can almost see the end. Once I can get the collision and physics working correctly, I'll post it. I've learned so much throughout the process of creating this game -- I can hardly wait to start my next. I feel that Multimedia Fusion 2 and I are finally starting to get along, and I look forward to seeing what I can create in the future. For now, here's some artwork.

Zeuping

A lot of things have come out into the open this past week, and I'm appreciating them all, despite whatever hardships may have come from them. The few days ahead have a lot of excitement attached to them -- a late night waffle making party on Thursday, a trip to a scary Labyrinth in Old Montreal on Friday, and Halloween festivities on Saturday.

It's late now, and I should be in bed, but music is keeping me awake (as usual). I know I can turn it off and sleep right away, but deep down I don't want to. I think my favorite Arms and Sleepers song as of late has been "Helvetica". If it isn't obvious, I still haven't stopped listening to them.

A friend of mine and I came to a revelation a while ago. Think: Fantasia, the scene where Zeus is throwing down the lightning bolts. The music is intense, and the big, blue Zeus in the sky just wants to curl up and sleep. Before he can get to it, though, he hurls these spear-like bolts to the ground. We theorized that when it snows, Zeus is taking a nice, long poo. Are you imagining it? Good. We dubbed this action Zeuping. I hope you think of this next time you stick your tongue out for a falling flake.

Did I mention that it snowed last week?

My world is flipped upside down for a lot of reasons.

This is a big one.

---

I need to go dancing.

Coincidence? I think not.

Today is a very special day for two of the most important people in my life. It is the day where they can get together with the people they love and smile because a whole new year is ahead of them. It is the day where everyone wants to celebrate them -- their existence and presence in the world. I just want to say to these two (who do not know one another yet share a deep place in my heart and soul) that I am spending this whole day celebrating you!

Happy Birthday :)

Time Passes

The Arms and Sleepers show on Friday night was amazing. Nick accompanied me to a pretty neat venue called Casa del Popolo where we had a few drinks, enjoyed the music, and chatted it up with one of the band members (!!). Seeing them live was a great experience, and despite the long trek to get there through the rain, I couldn't have asked for a better evening -- especially after the disheartening events that occurred earlier in the day.

Since Saturday afternoon I've found myself escaping into the vegetative comfort of gripping television shows. My motivation is pretty low this weekend, and I suppose this lull comes at a decent time.

My room was quiet in between the pauses of the music playing, and for the first time in a long long time, I heard the ticking of a watch. I stopped the music before it came on and listened for a while.

It's strange that I almost forgot what that sounds like.

Connectivity

I just need to write that
The man in this Arms and Sleeper's video titled "I am a Strange Loop"
Is wearing the same ring as me
On the same finger
Of the same hand.

I wonder if his is a worry ring like mine.

"You came without a warning"

Uncanny Inspiration

Last night was beautiful.
The moon had a rainbow halo,
And after purchasing all of the Arms and Sleepers albums,

I sat outside in the courtyard and wrote.

I drew artwork,
and I felt.

Table Mountain, Cape Town, South Africa

I haven't been inspired enough to write in a long time, which I'm realizing now is probably a good thing because for the past year most of my writing has been evoked by intense negative emotions that have no outlet. It is rare that I write about sad things, though. I tend to let my mind delve deep into what I think are the intentions of humanity. I walk this road and see where it takes me. I have a lot of hope for it, but sometimes the actions I see around me try to tear it down.

But then again,

"I know that love is everywhere and I will do everything in my power to see it all the time, no matter how much negativity people throw at me." - Oct 7, 2009

Nighttime Walks with Arms and Sleepers

Yoav accompanied me on my walk home from class tonight, but in all honesty, I rushed home so I could listen to more Arms and Sleepers. I couldn't stop listening today. I found all of the stuff they posted on Youtube, and I listened to the stuff on Myspace on repeat. I haven't felt this much for music in a while, so I know that means something special. I feel so lucky to know that I'm also going to see them Friday night! I saw some live footage of them today on youtube as well, and I know it's going to be an amazing show.

I can't wait.

Quebec City, Music, Life

Things have felt like a rollercoaster lately, and I along for the ride with a smile. My emotions are running wild, and I'm just letting them do their thing. I haven't been writing lately -- not in my blog or in my personal journal -- and it feels strange. There are a lot of things going on internally, and it's rare for me not to express them in some way, so perhaps that means I'm doing it in others.

This past weekend was spent in Quebec City exploring the history and having a good time with friends. It's such a beautiful place, and it was difficult to leave. The weather was not in our favor, but it didn't dampen the appealing architecture (although it dampened us). The trip made me miss the ocean and the mountains, and although my calves/quads/back were feeling the hills in that city, I'd love to live there someday.

Near the Water

Parliament Building

I've been itching to go to a show recently, and since I'm living in this city, it feels wrong for me to not be seeking the cheap ones out. So I changed that today and found an incredible website that lists shows happening each day, their location, and their price.

I found a CD Release show for a band called Arms and Sleepers, and they're playing up here on Friday. On Thursday, they are playing at the Monkey House in Winooski (so all you Burly Wurls out there, if you like what you hear, check them out!!) It's a 5 dollar show, and I'd really like to go. I'm falling in love with them as I type this. Their music is really fitting my mood tonight, and I can only imagine that seeing them live would be beautiful. My parents are coming up this weekend, so I'm sure I'll have to work around their schedule, but hopefully I can fit it in :).

For those who clicked on the link and are listening now, I suggest just going in order. Their music is very relaxing and thought provoking, and so far the order hasn't led me astray. I'm pretty convinced that my favorite song is Lausanne, although they're all great.

My second full session of DnD is tonight, and I can't wait. J'adore le Dungeons and Dragons.

Lucid Dreams

I had my first lucid dream - ever- last night.

I was in the dream space, walking through a hallway, and actually felt like I was in my dream instead of watching it. I thought to myself "Hey, wait a second. Am I lucid dreaming? Wow, I am! This is pretty neat. Oh man! I can make decisions!"

So I decided to turn and talk to a man. The rest of the dream was pretty strange. I rearranged different household settings for passport photo backdrops and then talked to a man from Russia with two passports. One he said he used for "special occasions".

This is a pretty momentous event in my life. I hardly ever remember my dreams, so to remember one and have it be in an in between space in consciousness really strikes me. I hope it happens again tonight :).


Things with my advanced seminar game are taking off. I'm nailing down a theme to reward the player around and have concept art drawn in pencil. I'll be sure to post things as they develop.

Rediscovering: Woven

I walked home from class tonight,
Music blaring in my headphones: it's Woven,
It's "Cosmonaut"
And I feel it pumping through me.
I look up in the sky: it's night time,
It's cloudy
And just through the scattered puffs I saw
A lone star -- one of the first actual stars I've seen in this city.

I stopped and looked for a bit.

I'm glad that feeling down doesn't prevent me from seeing the beauty in the world.

I've rediscovered Woven, and it's perfect.

Elliott Smith Tribute

I watched Elizabeth Gilbert's TED.com talk about creativity in its entirety the other day, and I got stuck on a brief point she discussed in her talk. She talked about how so many creative geniuses out there are plagued with deep internal turmoil; so many of them die by their own hand, and it is a tragedy that seems so true in this world. I'm listening to Elliott Smith right now -- I've had his entire collected works for over a year now, yet I always felt intimidated about where to start, so I Googled a top 100 chart of his songs, and it's taking me on a trip. I plugged those songs into an iTunes playlist, and here I am. I'm sitting at my computer, headphones on, thinking about how Elliott Smith is one of those individuals that Elizabeth Gilbert mentions in her talk. He cut his life short in October of 2003, dying of fatal stab wounds in his chest that he inflicted upon himself.

Sometimes I can hear it in his music.


I feel really grateful that I have avoided the plight that seems to spread among creative folk. The wide range of human emotion that we feel is something to embrace and love all the same, and I'll just keep doing that until the day I pass. Love love love, it is the only thing I can do.

Look a little deeper

"I tried to find Him on the Christian cross,but He was not there; I went to the Temple of the Hindus and to the old pagodas, but I could not find a trace of Him anywhere.

I searched on the mountains and in the valleys but neither in the heights nor in the depths was I able to find Him. I went to the Kaaba in Mecca, but He was not there either.

I questioned the scholars and philosophers but He was beyond their understanding.

I then looked into my heart and it was there where He dwelled that I saw him; he was nowhere else to be found."
-Jelaluddin Rumi-

I just bawled immediately after I read this.

Thank you, friend :)

(a toast to 100 posts)

Did I Mention I Made It?

I'm here! Je suis ici!

I know it has been a while since I last updated -- and I'm sorry.

There is no excuse....

But this city is so alive, and it makes it overwhelming to attempt to capture it! I bring my camera with me everywhere, but I do not dare to take my eyes away for a second. I don't think a camera could really capture it all anyhow.

But alas, I'll do my best to take pictures when I can. I know I'll appreciate their existence when I'm gone from here.

All of my classes have been superb, and I'm gearing up for a relaxing yet work-filled semester. I've finally solidified some design decisions for my first solo title currently called Euphonic Secrets. I go back and forth with the title on a daily basis (and today it's making me cringe a little).

I'll be sure to write more about my experience here soon.

Bye Bye Blackbird

Today is my last day in Burlington....!!

It's been a wonderful day, too. The sky is so blue, and the sun is so warm, and it is the first day in a long time that I have absolutely no obligations or plans. I woke up before my alarm bright and early, and sat around in my pajamas until the sun peaked in the sky at high noon. I've been staying at a friend's place for the last few days (thank you Lauren and Becca!!!), and it's been a nice change from my regular routine. After feeling a bit antsy in the house, I walked down to Church street and took it all in. The busy movement of the lunch time crowd, the delicious smell from the street vendors, and the talented tunes from the performers all reminded me of how much I'll really miss this place. I took my time as I walked down the street -- it was a great way to say goodbye.

There has been a lot of change these last few days, and it will all culminate to a grand adventure as I pack up my life once again and move into a new city. After a week of RA training, I feel more than prepared to handle my RA duties, but I am still nervous about being somewhere completely new. I don't know what my new home looks like yet, and that alone is elevating my stress level. I'm doing my best to put those worries aside and stay positive -- adventures are always exciting, and this one has so much potential to shape my future that I need to welcome it with open arms.


But damnit, I'll miss this place.

I've been thinking a lot recently about the horrible sacrifice that game designers and others in any office-type field have to endure. For almost 8 hours a day, those of us who work in offices have to sit down. We have to sit down for almost 8 hours! With my recent increase in hours at the EMC, I've really been feeling the hurt associated with this horrible, horrendously inert sacrifice -- and so has my butt.

I had my last day at work this past Thursday, so on the good side of things, my butt can recover. To be honest, though, I was very upset about leaving the project behind. I'm excited about what my future in Montreal has for me, but I can't help but feel uneasy about leaving things so unfinished. I really want to see the project to the end, and I'm afraid of what will happen when I return. I just have to keep going forward and reminding myself that things will work out in the end.

Due to a recent mixup, I've found myself at home moving half of my apartment back into my old room. The sweltering heat has left my brains a bit melted, but I'm surviving somehow. Nick and I drove down to his house on Thursday and enjoyed a leisurely weekend with his family and friends, topping off the weekend with his birthday bar-b-que and a day at the beach. As we drove back up to my house, all I could think about was my late cat, Max. I wondered where my Dad buried him, and I thought about asking him if he could plant a tree over his grave. I know that if that tree grew, it would have the most personality. Whenever the wind blew, it would be the first one to laugh as the wind tickled its leaves. It would always willingly give shade, and even sometimes, it would listen to you as you tell it your life story -- only sometimes, though.

I'll be leaving my house today without ever asking my father where Max was buried.

Want a Good Thrill?

Go see Orphan. If you like scary movies, do it. It is disturbing, terrifying, intense, and the craziest thing about this movie is that it could happen.

Things are Changing!

So many little things in my life have changed recently. I'm thinking of life in new perspectives. I'm seeing heaven in the moon and beauty in the power of next generation communication. I can't help but smile.

I know things are changing because of two small changes I've made recently:

1. I like spicy food. I never liked spicy food in the past, but I guess all I needed was a tasty meal from a group of friends and some self created social pressure to get me started. Everyone else is eating it without complaint, why can't I? Even though I was really feeling the heat, I kept my mouth shut about the pain until my eyes starting watering and I could finally say, "Wow, this is really spicy. "Everyone agreed strongly, and it was then that I knew I could handle the spice. Now, I have come to love it.

2. I started playing hard mode in Guitar Hero and Rock Band. The fifth fret always intimidated me, but now that I've practiced, I know I can handle that too. Nick and I would even play on score duel mode on expert, and I'd get anywhere from 50 - 80%. Granted, I can't really say that was because of any sort of developed skill -- if you press lots of buttons and hit the strum bar a lot, you're bound to hit some keys.

I know those are two things that seem like insignificant skills or interests, but I feel different. I'm on track to keep living life for today, so why wait for tomorrow?

Youtube seriously needs a repeat option for this song.

"We can’t both become the same pawn
That’s made to fall
Oil that tastes like blood
Stole the summer scent from me to you
You’re stabbing me through you
You’re stabbing you through him
And betting most of this world.
We’ll add enough of the world"
-Chevelle

Spirituality and Games

I just took the Brain Lifestyle Quiz over at a really awesome, recently discovered website called FitBrains.com. It has a bunch of fun online games that get you thinking in creative ways, using the different areas of your brain, and claims to provide Guilt Free Fun!

In my opinion, video games should never make you feel guilty (in a perfect world). :o)

Anyway, below are my results.

"Strongest Area: SOCIALIZATION
Explanation of Results
Your strongest domain is Socialization. People who maintain a strong social network often engage in complex social interaction that encourages creativity, critical thought and emotional expression. These aspects all serve to stimulate the brain and keep it healthy
Famous people associated with a similar lifestyle emphasis
Oprah Winfrey, Angelina Jolie, Jay Leno, Hillary Clinton
Weakest Area: SPIRITUALITY
Suggested Activities: Encourage quiet time, breathe slowly, find purpose."

Oprah Winfrey and I have the same Myers Briggs personality type (ENFJ), which is a funny coincidence that makes me wonder if the this test and that one are related in any way. The results are interesting, because while I spend a lot of time thinking about spirituality, I find that it is very rare that I ever "pray" or feel spiritual. The end of last semester brought me to a point in my life where I felt like finding my spiritual path was truly important to me -- especially when I got onto an ice rink. The Secular and the Sacred class had me thinking about what I consider sacred, and one particular class got me interested in exploring creative ways of finding my spirituality, like going to a rave or meeting with a psychic. We were learning about all of these interesting ways that people express their faith, and since I feel like I'm in an grey area, I'm open to what's out there.

I wonder if there's a game out there about finding your spirituality. So often do we find that video games have a particular message within them - but what about questions? I'd imagine that a spiritually driven game wouldn't necessarily have any messages hidden within it; instead, the game would be about asking the player questions. There wouldn't be any answers.

Do designers think about what their games are asking instead of what they are telling? Does anyone make games that don't hold any answers? Would that be fulfilling enough for a player -- not having any answers?

I like the idea of creating a game that would help someone find their spirituality by asking them questions. I think I'll mull over this for a while.

The Tragic Flaw

"I've decided that all game designers are masochistic." -- Max Nichols

Today, Max and I spent the majority of our 8 hour work day on creating a paper prototype to test every single AI calculation that each of the 10 players on a soccer field would go through. With 4 tabs of random number generators and about 25 sheets of paper containing each of the checks and rules for each individual player, we played until the synaptic gaps of the nerves in our brain began to grow larger as our intelligence dribbled out our ears -- it is at this time that I have reached the highest record of Tetris lines completed!

Things with the project on the whole are going really well. Max and I are beginning to work much more closely with Joel, our QA Lead, and will soon start meeting more frequently with the writers and programmers as well. The project still needs more money, and anyone interested in learning more about the project or are interested in donating, please visit the Empowering Play project website.

On another note, Ray Ortgeisen, a Champlain College student, got a very thought provoking blog post about serious games posted on Gamasutra yesterday. Since reading it, I have thought very heavily about how the language we use within the game industry affects how others perceive gaming culture and how the industry communicates with one another. The gist of his article states that separating certain games into a genre titled "serious" inherently states that all other games that are not within this genre are not serious -- which is false and rather insulting. I agree with him on this point, and I think it brings about the ever fervent issue about language within this community. Once my brains fully stop dribbling, I'll come to some conclusions about how we can change how we portray ourselves to the masses and about how we can better communicate what we aim to do as a medium. It is rather upsetting that social stigmas against video games cause the industry to respond with somewhat discriminatory acts -- just like creating a genre called "serious games". If everyone could just accept that all games have the potential to be serious, perhaps then a different term would be used when describing the characteristics that serious games have.

I do think that the Tragic Flaw of the video game industry is the business nature of it sometimes. I also think that a flaw (but not a tragic one) of video game designers is our need to create something and completely destroy it though analyzation -- hence, masochism. While Max said that in jest, it is true, and we should all just sigh, laugh, and love that we do it. Unlike a tragic flaw, our ability to do so will lead us to greatness.

Wii Sports Resort

This might be embarassing to admit, but my arms are sore from Wii Sports Resort.

It's that good.

Enough said.

Things are back in full swing with the UN project and it feels great. Just a week away from the EMC felt like a really long time once I got back, but I'm not going to lie, I loved having a vacation. I went up to Maine for the weekend and had an amazingly relaxing time. I got to spend time reading, canoeing, and sitting around a fire. Nick's family is wonderful, and spending time with them is really rewarding.

Yesterday I started doing plyometrics. All I have to say is that I am sore. Very very sore.

Today I am embarking on my first camping trip in years! I'll spend three nights in the backyard of a stranger, roasting 3 pigs and dancing in merriment.

Pennsylvania, here I come!

Being Green and Caring About it

Last night Ann DeMarle invited the whole EMC to her gorgeous house for a good-bye party for Heather Kelley and the UN project. It was a lot of fun; there was great food, great people, and relaxation in the air. The clouds even went away for a few hours so we could spend some time in the sun.

On the way home, Ken, Lauren, Nick and I got into a discussion about consumerism, recycling and waste, and I told them about something I witnessed earlier that day.

A woman was sitting at a bus stop banging her new box of ciggaretts on her hand before opening them up. The sound made a loud "slap slap slap" against her flesh, and it was difficult to ignore. She tore off the plastic and threw it on the ground, opened up the box and lit one up. The plastic covering sat there in a static pile, waiting for the wind to blow and take it out of sight, out of mind. -- I was immediately infuriated. She was far away from me (luckily), but I said out loud to myself "Are you kidding me?!".

This story sparked a discussion about how to approach someone about this kind of issue. It's difficult to determine how exactly one person would react to anothe person's cares, but you cannot force someone to change out of guilt. They must want to change in order to actually change their habits. Going up to them and telling you why this is important to you might work, right?

It seems possible, but then I brought up something that I think about a lot. At GIV we did an exercise where we wrote down what we thought was a major problem in the world today. I wrote down "Apathy". I truly think that apathy is one of the largest problems with people all over the world. Somehow along the way people just stoped caring.

So let's say I went up to that woman and I said to her like, "I noticed that you threw your trash on the ground. " She could just respond "I don't care." Her saying that would be saying "I don't care what you think. I don't care about where this plastic came from, where it's going, what it could do to the earth." And that infuriates me.

It's not the fact that she's littering that really bothers me here, it's the fact that she (potentially) doesn't care.

I got into an email discussion with a friend a long time about about morality. He discussed how it really bothers him that a government decides what is right and wrong and what those punishments are. In an ideal society, each person would decide those things for themselves. And I brought up how in an ideal society, emotion could be that moral compass for us all.

But what about those who don't care?

Since a few days ago, I am no longer a teenager. It doesn't feel very different, though.

My cat died yesterday. He was 16 years old. He just curled up on the porch and passed, as far as my parents know. He wasn't eating for the past 4 months, and when I went home for my birthday, he looked like a kitten again.... he was so small and skinny. It was horrible to see. He's the only cat I've ever had, and I don't remember not having him. I couldn't even pet him when I saw him. I didn't want to remember him like he was when I saw him a few days ago.

My dad buried him somewhere on our property.

Oh-My-Gosh busy.

This past week with the students at the GIV-IT summer camp has been so awesome and so incredibly memorable. Unfortunately, I have hardly slept, and this extreme lack of rest is rapidly catching up with me.

Yesterday evening, Ann, Joel and I presented about the UN Project to the Champlain College Board of Trustees, and among the audience was Jeff Rutenbeck, the Dean of CCM, and Angela Batista, the Director of the Office of Diversity and Inclusion. Everyone was so friendly to chat with during the dinner, and they were incredibly receptive to our open discussion style presentation. They loved hearing about my trip to South Africa, our experience with pre-testing with Winooksi Middle School students, and developing the game that has the potential to change the world. Presenting to this group was a huge confidence boost in several ways. They revitalized my hope that I have for this project, and they gave me so many compliments on my public speaking that I will approach any presentation with more confidence.

All in all, things with GIV have been great, especially since the Trustees' presentation. One more day left, and then it's time for some rest.

GIV, UN, Father's Day Galore!

HERE, LIVE from GIV!

I am having a blast on the Champlain College campus this week being an RA at the Governor's Institute of Technology: Information Technology. This is where a group of high school students come together to learn about a diverse array of skills in programs like Maya, Photoshop, Final Cut Pro, and Unity 3D. As an RA, I get to go to each session to bring the students to where they need to be and hang out with them as they learn (and I learn) about all this awesome stuff.

The campers are a blast, and hanging out with the RAs is equally as fun. We have very long days (6:30am to 11:30PM), but it hasn't phased me yet. I know I'll be dead asleep by the end of the week, though.

The only problem with having GIV this week is that this is the last week to wrap up everything for UN, so poor Max Nichols has to crank out a lot of the documentation on his own. Luckily, we may be able to continue working for the first week of July, although it's not guaranteed.
I'm also presenting at the Champlain College Trustees Dinner this Thursday, so preparing for that is difficult with little time in my day. It'll work out, though.

Today is Father's Day, so don't forget to say hi to your dad. I'm going to call mine soon.

Design documentation galore! The UN design doc is our deliverable for the next two weeks (EEK!), and I've been doing my best to crank away at it. It's a pretty hefty design, the largest I've designed and documented this extensively, at least. I do, however, secretly love documentation.

The creative director of the project reminded us recently to add visuals into the documentation, and it's challenged me to think of ways to portray a lot of what we're writing into visuals. It may not be necessary, but its a neat exercise to try to come up with ways to say the same thing in a visual way. Sometimes, though, visuals can hurt more than they can help, so we've gotta be careful in crafting some good aids.

With the project coming to a long pause, I've found myself getting a little nervous. I won't have a job now, which means it's time to go job hunting. My biggest worry with the hunt is coming from the fact that I can only be hired for a month and a half and then its off to RA training and Montreal. Who will hire me for that long? I've gotta get out there anyway and see if something comes around. I'm crossing my fingers!

Today brought a lot of rethinking.

"Things aren't always as they seem", right? Well what if things seem perfect? That saying, while it can be used to console, it can also be used as a warning. What this saying means is that sometimes we don't see the truth. We are blind to the fact that some perfect things in our lives are lies (and vice versa of course).
So when something only seems perfect, sometimes it can't be -- it isn't true. No matter how many great things can come from the illusion, it lacks the verity to merit it worthwhile, right?

Well maybe sometimes we don't need that reminder that things aren't always as they seem, and I'm not convinced that illusions can't be exactly what I need sometimes.

I thoroughly recommend the band Flunk to anyone who is interested in unique female Norwegian vocalists and has an eclectic taste in electronic/rock/indie music. I just got a lot of their music, and I'm liking a lot of it so far. It's neat and new for me.

The Sims 3, Lost, and Sleepiness

I confess,
It's not like I haven't thought about updating....
It's just that......
I'm LOST. I have to admit that the television show titled Lost has completely taken over my life. I'm lost in Lost.

Also, The Sims 3 came out, and it's been difficult to hinder my curiosity. There is a lot to explore, and I feel like even after almost a week I haven't even scratched the surface. I want to know and master all areas of it. There is so much to it.

Things with the UN project seem like they're coming to a close, and I don't like it. We're just getting started! Preproduction is wrapping up (allready!), which means there's a whole lot more ahead. To think that the project is being put on pause urkes me. I really hope that things come through for the rest of the summer, even though hope is slowly fading. If not, the project seems like it'll start back up again in January, which is convieniently when I return back from my semster abroad in Montreal.

Many things have happened recently. I'm learning to cook in the way that I can now improvise recipes, and it's exciting. I have to admit that I just pictured myself in front of the oven with a meter above my head and a flashing plus sign (like in the Sims). I think that means it's time for bed.

The UN team played soccer today, and I think I have found a new hobby. Thanks for helping create the perfect day, team!

I often see things that I want to take pictures of and wish I had a camera.

Today I realized that so much of the time the picturesque image I see is influenced by the music playing in the background, or the way the clouds are moving in the sky, or the feeling I have in my heart.

Perhaps that's what photographers are continually attempting to capture: the sounds, the movement, the feelings.

Moving

This weekend has been HECTIC! Saturday was graduation for the seniors, and I went and watched most of my good friends walk and receive their diplomas. From there, I spent the whole day with families, celebrating the graduates' achievements. Yesterday was perhaps the longest day of moving I have ever experienced, and today I woke up sore and sleepy. After a delicious breakfast at The Skinny Pancake in downtown Burlington, Nick, Kate and I made our way over to Spinner Place to begin the moving process. From 12 - 9:30PM (not exactly straight, but almost), we were packing up my things, packing up the car, and packing up my new life here in 414. After that long day, there was no way I was going to start unpacking. (See picture below). This next week is going to be a long one because of that. It is incredibly exciting to have my own place, though, despite not having any silverware, cookware, dishes, or normal everyday necessities. There are so many things that I never realized I had until now because I don't have them anymore. I'll have to start making a list.



This is what my apartment looks like this morning, and with work and festivities going on later this evening, I wonder if that will change by tomorrow.

Today was a fabulous day at work! Work really is a pick me up, especially today. I felt like a lot of great things got accomplished, and now that RA training is complete (for now), I am able to completely focus on game development.

A large part of why today was so exciting is because of our newbies! The UN project just hired some new artists, programmers, QA and a designer to the team, added on top of our new writers we hired a few weeks ago, and we had an informal "welcome" meeting today. I'm crossing my fingers for more funding to help this awesome team succeed and continue on through completion. There were a LOT of applicants, and the competition was crazy. I'm looking forward to seeing what we can accomplish.


How can't we succeed with awesome smiles like that? (Welcome, Joel, our new QA Lead!)

Tomorrow, bright and early, we're making our first trip up to the middle school where we'll be doing our focus testing in a few weeks. I'm excited to scope out the location and get some more information on how we can truly make the most out of our testing.

psst it's 2am and I'm still awake.

I went on a nighttime adventure with Woven tonight. I generally really hate walking alone at night, but sometimes the walls itch and amplify my solitude. I like to watch the people, too. It helps. Hunger was my main motivation for heading out tonight, though. Damn, I'm hungry.


I'm not quite sure why I like this picture. The bright spot in the background is the light from the clock tower, but the streetlamp is drowning it out, and the porter-potty really draws your attention from the thing that is truly beautiful here.


It's 11:22, and I'm wondering why I haven't fallen asleep yet.

Today was the first day of RA training for my next semester abroad in Montreal! It was an interesting experience, but it was dampened by the fact that I felt a little out of place -- I was officially hired just this last Friday, and a lot of the things discussed today didn't really apply to what my experience will be like in Montreal. I think tomorrow will go better, though, and I'm keeping my heart open to it all.

I started playing Oblivion, and I have to admit, the immensity of a video game has never intimidated me this much. There is a ridiculous amount of customization, and the world is so vast and complex that I am cautious of every action I take. I thought that getting the strategy guide would help me, but that thing is bigger than the Bible, and I'm not even sure where to start. I think I just need to give it more time to really allow the world to suck me in.

Last night I went and saw X-Men Origins and thoroughly enjoyed it. Keep in mind, I am not a huge X-Men fanatic and do not know much about the origins of characters such as Deadpool or what have you, but I found the movie to be quite entertaining and exciting. I suggest that if you have any liking for Hugh Jackman that you go see the movie and get blown away by his incredible acting skills (and his physical features =D).

Just before seeing the movie, Nick and I downloaded the X-Men Origins: Wolverine video game and I have to admit that it is the first game-based-off-a-movie that I have seen and been excited about. This is the real deal, in my opinion. This game is like God of War mixed with Prince of Persia: Sands of Time all nice and conveniently on my Xbox 360 for one time only. Seriously, people, I was pretty blown away. It is so fast paced, bloody, gorey, and made me feel like a badass. I love a good button masher, and this game totally tickles my fancy. I'm hoping that the full game lives up to the demo.

I've been addicted to the Trance station on my Pandora radio and I found a great dance CD that I highly recommend so far. It's called My Frequency by Mona Lisa Overdrive, and it is a great cd to put on in the middle of the day and dance around your room too.....(it's not like I did that today or anything...). Upbeat tunes with a heavy bass are great for working out, so I'm starting up a collection for this summer. Any suggestions?

Alive Again

Fear not! As my post title suggests, I did NOT die and then come back to life (yet). Instead, my COMPUTER IS FIXED. And for FREE. As much as PC lovers love to bitch about Apple users, they can't deny that Apple has some of the best customer service/warranty deals out there. I got my computer fixed fo' free.

At this very moment I am taking a break from cleaning out my room so I can give a quick update. Unfortunately for my roommates, I've left a nice obstacle course of my stuff in the hallway, so I must be brief.

The main thing in gaming these days is twofold: we just went through a ton of interviews to add new artists, programmers, QA-ers and Web Development people to the UN project team. We should know who is chosen by this next Monday! I'm very excited to add a new designer to the team to focus on helping me complete the paper prototype.

The next main thing is that I finally purchased the Game of the Year edition of Oblivion. It has FINALLY gone down in price, and I'm looking forward to spending many hours on learning and mastering its mechanics and RPG systems. I also purchased the strategy guide to help me along the way.

As for now, I'm off to Manhattan Pizza and then to Nectars for a show. Not quite sure what the show is, but live music is almost always worth the money (unless it's a lot of money or a really bad show, of course).

What would Velma Dinkley do?

Today has been an awful day. Absolutely horrendously disgustingly revolting.

On the bright side, I bought Scooby-Doo fruit snacks!!

Woven All Up

"The best prophet of the future is the past"

I got a fortune today that I don't agree with.
I think the best prophet of the future is now.
Each moment.
Each choice I make.
Each glimpse of a chance that comes and goes and determines
Whether I'm going left or right,
Whether I'm going to smile or frown,
Whether I'll take another breath.
I think the best prophet of the future is now.

Woven
Do it.
Listen to Cosmonaut.
Then listen to Who Knows.
Do it.

"we travel on this road again
thinking like the cosmonaut
one hose for oxygen
and a suit to keep my ghost in"
-Cosmonaut

I've decided that the title of the mod I'd like to work on this summer is called "House of Lies". And I look forward to making that house lie to the player a lot. I'm really looking forward to figuring out how to create insanity within this game. As long as all things harmonize with the same goal, and the exploration leaves the player questioning themselves, then I think the point can get across. I have a lot more thinking to do about this, though. I have several ideas, but this puzzle can't be solved overnight.

"Who knows what's going to happen?"

I've been thinking a lot lately about truth again, and I always end up coming to different conclusions. I've determined that there is definitely a difference between absolute truth and personal truth, but I'm not convinced that those two things can ever be the same. I know that it depends on who you ask, but because one person says that their faith is absolute truth, and another says it is personal, isn't it then a personal truth?

What about people who don't "believe" in something we consider absolute (like math?). Is there anyone out there who doesn't believe in math? Math is something that we've just sort of made up, right? Is absolute truth made up? Does that make it any less absolute?

What about personality traits? There are certain things that I know about myself, like the fact that I'm very sensitive about the little things that people do. But is that an absolute truth? What if one day I decide that I'm not sensitive about those things. Is it no longer a fact? Are only facts absolute truths?

I'm not quite sure yet. I haven't decided.

"Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful"
- Principia Discordia
A good friend of mine sent me that quote. I like it.

I just recently heard about a great band/singer yesterday and it's hitting the spot.
Rains

"Think about days
When happiness came
Through your eyes and into mine
Those were the best days of my life"

End of Semester Jitters

The summer is approaching quickly, and I'm not quite ready for it yet. There are a million big mountains I have to climb before the end of the semester, and I don't want to break out my hiking boots.

I've recently rediscovered my love for House of Leaves, an incredible book by Mark Danielewski. I want to create a mod based around the main character of the book, and I have a few ideas how to translate that disjointed, psychological thriller into an interesting, mystery themed mod. The biggest challenge will be mimicking the feelings the book evoked. I really want the player to get the same sense of dread, the same sense of isolation, darkness, confusion, and insanity. Insanity -- perhaps the hardest of them all.


I went on a few adventures recently downtown, and each one brought with it a sense of clarity (and a nice full tummy). Being alone on a nice day really makes me appreciate the strangers around -- I really like to people watch.

On my way back up this most recent time, I think a few days ago, I found something on the sidewalk just outside of Edmunds Elementary School:

It looked like a bunch of confetti splattered all over the ground.

It was then that I decided that whenever something exciting ceases to exist, it always leaves something behind. A few days later when I went downtown the splat was still there. I hope that whichever little kid owned this whatever-it-was, he or she isn't reminded of its loss every time he or she walks to school. Poor kiddo.

I went into Pure Pop the other day and got tons of free stuff, including an awesome CD titled "P is for Panda Mixtape Vol. 1". Check out the P is for Panda website and grab the cd. It's good stuff.

Speaking of Pandas....

Oh, many a things have changed, and I do admit that I have not quite the care around.

My computer is kaputz. Hopefully not forever.

Designing games again has kept me going this semester. Production 1 has me all jittery with excitement, and our game Writer's Block is the culprit. I am happy to see my ideas come to life, despite the idea that the meat of its existence is in my hands -- yes, I am the programmer. AS3, please do not be the death of me this year.

After a spurt of script writing, I am finally back in the swing of things as far as design goes for the UN project. Yesterday we had a meeting dedicated solely to game design, and my heart was fluttering. The pie in the sky for this concept is oh so tasty (and oh so far away). We'll be lucky if we can produce what we've designed thus far, but the complexity is what excites me. I'm crossing my fingers.

I am too cold to sit here and write much more. I won't be able to write here as much now that my laptop is on vacation.

The sky got me writing today.

Grammar Math

This semester has brought with it momentous amounts of change allready! It is amazing how the ebb and flow of life always comes back to that equilibrium at some point or another. Things have been pulling me in both directions yet I am tranquil and serene despite the build up of work.

I have two BIG deliverables for the end of this week, and I am SO PUMPED. Our UN prototype is coming to a close, and we've really nailed down what we want to say in the script. The artists are working on overdrive now to get all of the assets done for the end of the week, at which time I'm hoping we will all go out for a bit and then play FEAR 2!
The IBM project is bulding towards a presentation tomorrow where we'll pitch for more funding. We're doing a dry run through at the IBM location here, and after we get back from break we'll have the real deal. Hopefully I can speak tomorrow -- I am sick, and from observing what is going around, it seems likely that I'll lose my voice.

Things with classes are going really well. I have 100% decided to adventure up to Montreal for a semester abroad, and I couldn't be more excited. I am terrified, too, but it is something that I have to do.


I realized that when I make typos during instant messanging conversations I generally spit out a series of grammar math equations to fix my error. For instance, I would ask "How are yoi?" and would immediately say afterwards " -i, +u".

I want to write a poem in that style soon. I think it would be a great writing exercise.

The only other update that I have is to say that a good friend of mine started emailing me and I am very pleased about it. We don't get to see each other often, so writing back and forth makes me feel like we aren't losing touch. I really enjoy it.

I went ice skating this morning before my 11am class. The rest is bliss, or "the rest is silence" as Hamlet would say, although I'm pretty convinced that silence is certainly not bliss (at least not in most cases).

Whenever I use parentheses I think of Steven Wright. Any questions? (Did anyone get that?)

So back to the main point here: I went skating and it was amazing even though I had to rent skates and couldn't really do anything fancy, although I might've just been afraid to and am deciding to blame it on the skates. Either way, I was lacking a bit of pizazz, but it was fun to watch my friend tear up the ice. I begged my Dad to send my skates up to me though, and I'm really hoping that pulls through. He and I had a great talk today after I asked for the favor, and it was nice to talk to him. I miss my parents.

Things with the UN project are in full gear this month, and at the end of it we should be leaps and bounds ahead of where we were at the end of last semester. IBM is going well too, and we're crossing our fingers that this horrible economy doesn't leave us disappointed (We're also hoping that we don't leave ourselves that way, too).

I drew some stuff today, too. It's been a good day.

What a strange month this shall be. Many things will end -- many will begin. It's almost 6 in the morning and any bit of sleepiness I had left in me has been squeezed away by the glow of the monitor and the loud music booming at my eardrums. A great conversation accompanied with a common purpose adds to this mix to keep my moleskine notebook open and my thoughts for tomorrow positive. Despite the crazy amount of work I've left myself with, I look forward to waking up and exploring .

I'll be falling asleep with a smile on my face for sure.

Tonight Ends with Snow and Memories

My enthusiasm for blogging lately has gone down the tubes. I haven't really been able to come up with anything to write recently -- I've been pretty distracted with this whole deployment thing. It has really been taking up a lot of my mental frame of thought lately, and it has been difficult to really kickstart my motivation.

I'm not quite sure how to word this, but I kind of pitched the UNFPA game to the UN in NYC this past Thursday with my team......!!!! It was incredibly nerve-wracking, intense, and exciting. We kicked mucho buttox and had a great time telling some UN branches our goal with this game. I am really proud to be a part of such a kickass team. Things have been a bit rocky lately, and I'm really going to miss those who have left us, but I have confidence that we'll all be back together soon. We just need to keep our heads up.

Other than the massive amounts of snow we received today, and the copious amounts of close reading quizes I've been taking lately in class, the only real news I have to share is that I just bought wayyy too many t-shirts on threadless for Serge and myself and discovered that some of the shirt designs can be placed on walls as decals. Best idea. Ever.

I'm finally getting into some AS3, and it has me excited. I love watching my code come to life! I want to learn as much as I can because perhaps, someday, I might just find it is another passion of mine.

After a year and a half of sitting comfortably in my back pockets, backpacks, and purses, my very first Moleskine notebook is completely filled with precious secrets, poems, thoughts, and meanderings. I think I'll read through it tonight and see what college has brought me so far.

Updates

Back in Burlington, back in action, and finally back into the swing of things....almost at least.

I got pretty sick during the rest of my break, and I'm still trying to fully recover from it. This cold I have is making the adjustment a little more difficult.

When my roommates were all back in the suite, we got together and made a gingerbread house that one of my roommates got as a gift from her parents that she saved for all of us. We're still in the process of eating it.

Things with the UN project are moving forward again after a little kick-start meeting last night with the whole gang. We're going to New York next Thursday to present to the UN O_O. I'm excited/nervous about that experience. It should be interesting, to say the least.

I started watching Lost (the TV show), and I am hooked. I love the character development and the mystery. I have to admit that watching the first couple episodes where they showed the plane crash over and over was a little frightening, but overall I love the show.

I wrote a little poem over break! I haven't decided if I'll post it yet....

Newness

It's 2009, but after this long semester it feels like it should be 2011 already. I'm so excited about this new year. Opportunities may slip away, but new ones will come. I worked my ass off this semester and it payed off. I'm not really looking forward to the start of work again just yet -- I do enjoy time off -- but I'm pumped deep down inside.

This slight hiatus from work has given me time for some deeper introspection. When I lay down in bed, I think. I remember why it is I wrote so much before, and I ask myself why I don't anymore. I have notebooks filled with words. I don't have new notebooks anymore, so I'll have to make some.

I went on another adventure this last couple of weeks, explored Kentucky and everything that Serge has been surrounded with, and realized that I don't always panic on planes (I didn't today!).

He's going away, though.
I couldn't help but feel like today was the last time I'd see him.
I'm afraid.
Maybe that's why the plane wasn't so bad -- I just had something else to panic about.

Here's to the start of a new year. Let's make it a good one.