A Bit of Confirmation

There is an important detail that I left out about Antonio Demazzio in my post titled Fun Nights and Realistic Choices. If you can recall, Antonio Demazzio has a very distinct disconnect in his brain that disallows the ability to feel emotion. The important thing that I forgot to mention about Antonio is that he is chronically indecisive. He cannot make decisions about the littlest things, and he would spend hours and hours debating decisions in his mind.

This person's story means a lot to me. It validates to me the value and importance of our emotions; it helps me come to terms with the times in my life that I have made decisions seemingly irrational that were based on emotion. The importance here is that I was capable of making a decision, even when the options seemed to make little sense. Knowing that a person who uses logic and rationality alone to make decisions ends up lost in an in-between gives me some peace of mind. My emotions aren't -wrong- as I sometimes think them to be. I'm on the path I want to be, I am working towards learning and growing into something that I am not certain is "good" (but something that I hope is), and I think this story helped me define that uncertainty.

Mid Week Last Week

If I had written a post mid week last week, it would have discussed how frustrated I felt with my life. There was this lingering cloud of thought that focused around the fact that things in my life are changing without my control, and there is nothing I can do about it. The school year is approaching -- my internship and summer are consequently ending -- and I wasn't ready.

But things change. Attitudes and perspectives, especially emotionally focused ones, are like leaves in a strong breeze. They mostly pass through, each day bringing them somewhere new in my field of view. I'm focusing on the good things that come with this change now -- reconnecting friendships, learning, creating, and even building deeper bonds with someone special.

I'm glad I didn't write that post mid week last week.

Fun Nights and Realistic Choices

I tend to notice the little things.

Like last night -- I had a pretty long day at work, felt tired and ready to crash on my drive home, but instead went to Alex's to hang with him and Joey. When I arrived, a delicious meal was waiting, and I felt so happy and thankful to have these guys in my life. We ate and chit chatted, smiled and played Munchkin, and I had an all around relaxing and fantastic evening.

I've once again been listening to Radiolab a lot recently, and there are several really interesting things I've learned about that have resonated with me.

There is a psychological condition called Cotard's Delusion where patients describe this intense and deep seeded feeling that what they see around them and who they are isn't real. Some are convinced that they are actually dead, and that this reality that surrounds them is purgatory, or hell, or just... an in between space on their journey to somewhere else. -- This distortion fascinates me because, well, what if they are right? I'll ask it. I'll ask that question: what if - they are right- ?

There was a man named Antonio Demazzio who would describe his emotional state as being "numb". He said he had no feeling, and the only thing he could feel was a disconnect between himself and his emotions. Now, I should preface this and say that this was from the Radiolab about Choice (in fact, that's the title of it). And I pulled this quote, listened to it over and over to get it right, for several reasons.

"The conventional theory is that a person without emotions would be perfectly rational -- that emotions somehow interferred with rationality -- that it got in the way, yet here was this guy who couldn't experience emotions, and he was pathologically indecisive."

-Radiolab, Choice

I'll explain the significance of this for me some other time, but it is significant to a particular degree.

Kickstarts

My mindset is switching gears. It's time for me to accept the change that's coming in a few short weeks, depart from the norm that I've established working, living, and playing here, and revert back to the frame of mind that I've kept for the last 3 years. It'll be a strange and difficult transition I'm sure, but, like normal, it'll be exciting.

I visited Vermont last weekend, and I had a really fantastic time. People that were on the surface of my life really planted themselves as those I'd love to connect more with. These new friends opened their arms to me, and I felt welcomed and comfortable from the start. I'm really looking forward to staying with them again next weekend and kickstarting a fun-filled friendship.

I went to the Caspa show at the Middle East last week and had a BLAST. Dubstep has taken over a lot of my music recently, and I'm swimming in it. I can't stop listening to it -- and this song has taken over for the last few days. "And the love kickstarts again".

Deeper Meanings Within the Binary

"On the second night thereafter, I spoke to my soul and said, 'This new world appears weak and artificial to me. Artificial is a bad word, but the mustard seed that grew into a tree, the word that was conceived in the womb of a virgin, became a God to whom the earth was subject." - C.G. Jung, Liber Novus, pg. 242.

An image captcha phrase for me the other day was "soul momentous", and that is not a bad word (or phrase). And in my world this phrase was the mustard seed that became a God to whom was subject, and I adored it.

Sometimes I wonder what my computer is trying to say to me. Does it have a momentous soul?