A Year Past

This past year has been a blur, so I'll attempt to summarize it all quickly.

I worked a lot.
I thought about death, pondered God, felt love and embraced my own powers and capabilities for happiness.
I discovered negative thought patterns in my life and found they have a name: Anxiety. I also discovered that the wintertime makes me sad.
I made things, like hats and scarves and plushies.
I explored new places, like Crystal Cove State Park and Horse Poop Trail.
I moved in with Anthony.
I baked lots of things, like cookies and various types of bread.
I took trips to Florida and to Colorado to attend weddings, and up to San Francisco to visit friends.
I sang, and wrote silly songs and lyrics often.

I didn't write much otherwise, nor did I feel inspired to. I didn't play many games, or actively work much on any games other than Wildstar. I didn't maintain an internet presence or really bother much with my computer other than to watch Netflix. I spent a lot of my year in my own head, finding various outlets for self expression that extend beyond my norm. And you know what I discovered? -- I need to write again. I need my norm.  I need to take time to reflect on things in a more permanent way, commit things to "paper", and to provide myself  with prompts for thought in my future. I need to embrace language again to push myself through this medium.

I'm really looking forward to this break. I have a short story idea I've been cooking for a while, and for the first time this year I feel inspired to sit down and solidify it. Starting to write a story always feels like such a daunting task, but it really doesn't have to be. I know that even though I'm stumbling over these stream-of-consciousness words, I've just got to practice again to get into the groove.

Here's to hoping.

My year in photos:

Attitude Changes

Sometimes you just need someone close to you to show you a different perspective. Someone you trust, preferably someone you deeply care for. Someone who has an objective perspective on what's going on in your life so that they can help you clearly sort things out.

I got some great advice. It was one of the things that brought us together, and it's a trait that he embodies that I hope rubs off over time: change your attitude. Learn to live your life thinking about the short term for a while when the long term feels overwhelming or distant.

Over the last two weeks I have felt this attitude positively affect me in big ways, especially professionally. I am 100% focused on Wildstar, I feel much more confident in myself, and I am legitimately excited about what the future holds for this IP. Sometimes the grind of crunching day in and out can wear you down, but I know I can cope with this easily with the right attitude.

Cheers to perspective. Keep on keepin' on, even through the mud.

As You Age...

... life just gets better. That's what my Dad has always said to me, and I have no evidence in my life to suggest otherwise. Don't get me wrong -- there are ups and downs and sometimes wrong turns, but overall I find myself continuing to learn how to live a happier life. Things have just been plain great, and overall I am happier now than I have ever been. I am grateful to sleep on the couch this evening while friends visit over the weekend, and I couldn't have a more amazing partner in crime, who took us all to the Griffith Observatory today.Work is more exciting every day -- feeling more passionate, more inspired and more motivated by so many things.  (There's so much more I want to say about Wildstar, but it'll have to wait!!!)

So yeah.

Things.

All of them are awesome.

Blind

For the first time in many many years (since my sophomore year of high school?), I find myself without clear goals.

I have an idealized vision for my future. I fantasize about it a lot, and at this point of my life it seems like a pipe dream. How am I ever going to have enough money to start my own company? To purchase land and build my own studio? To start a garden, live sustainability, and live free from overly constricting societal norms? With the way the economy is and the instability of the game industry, even owning a house seems like an unrealistic goal.

It's kind of depressing.

So... where am I going? Am I just waking up every morning, spinning my wheels at a company that barely realizes I exist, making only just enough for my immediate needs, so that I can come home tired in the evenings to repeat the process again?

Maybe so.

Despite feeling unfulfilled, I am lucky enough to even have the luxury of feeling that. If I didn't have food, a place to live, family who loves me, I imagine I'd do almost anything to be in the position I'm in now. Reaching towards a higher tier of happiness, a new awareness, a different spiritual or existential understanding of the world comes only after base needs are fulfilled (like Maslow says).

Usually coming to that realization makes me feel better -- knowing that I have all of those base needs met means I should have no problem finding happiness, but I think I'm coming to expect more from my life -- from myself even.

Am I disappointing myself today?