In The Now

My last year and a half can be described in two words: EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.

Am I embracing life enough? When will death come for me? When will it come for my loved ones? What will I do if it comes for them before me? What will my last few moments of life be like? Is there a God? What is honesty? What is absolute truth? WHAT IS LIFE?!


GOSH, incessantly I'd pester myself with these unanswerable questions. Death showed its face to me from a distance this last year and a half -- a childhood friend lost the love of her life, another childhood friend drowned in a river, a friend of mine lost her brother in a car accident -- and yet I reacted as if I was the one burdened with this loss. These were people I hardly knew, but their loss was my loss, and I spent hours crying for them.  I over-empathized with the people I care for because I was already fighting my own demons at home. And though I still hurt for them, facing the death they faced does not send me into an existential crisis spiral that renders me useless for the rest of the evening. This foggy voice of anxiety would push me into a negative thoughtspace, and I'd lose perspective.

I'm happy to say that a lot has changed. It's taken effort and practice to break negative thought patterns. I look back on that time and wonder how I couldn't do it before. Though I could've easily wasted those years away watching crappy television shows as a way to cope, I kept my hands busy and my thoughts occupied. Don't get me wrong, I still watched those crappy television shows, but I multitasked! I learned new things, read nonfiction, explored history. And I am damn grateful that learning is my coping mechanism. I only wish that socializing was one, too. I holed myself up at home -- too socially anxious to put myself out there and too fragile to be vulnerable and open with others.

I still have a delicate ego sometimes, but being open and vulnerable, making deep and meaningful connections, is what brings me the most joy. I have to not be afraid of being perceived as "fake" anymore, because I know that my love and care is genuine, and that's what matters.  I've considered going back to school to get a psychology degree, but that thought feels overwhelming. (holy fuck school debt!) I want to be able to help other sensitive people like me. I'm often told to get a "thick skin", but I'm not sure developing a "thick skin" is what is best. I want to love and live openly, not hide behind some gross, scaly outer layer.

Even though this time was difficult for me, I'm so grateful for it. It was like my brain was saying, "Are you sure you're doing what you want?" And with a huge smile on my face and a heart full of gratitude I'm screaming back to the universe, "YES!"

I have to remember that...

...it's nice to be important, but far more important to be nice.

 ...I can't lose touch with the ability to see the good in everyone.

...even despite looking for the good, I can't be surprised when people don't turn out as good as I hoped.

... no matter how much those in my past may have hurt me, it's unfair to assume the worst in those I just meet.

 ...I should follow my instincts, but I can't be too quick to judge.

...every time I have opened my heart to someone things have turned out for the best.

...it's important to learn to forgive others.

...it's even more important to forgive yourself.

Letter to a Professor

I had a professor in college that really inspired me. He pushed his students, and didn't expect anything but their best. As an ENFJ I couldn't help but want to live up to that expectation, and I appreciated having such an intelligent but hardass teacher.

I decided to write him. At first it was just to quickly catch up and see how things are going, but the email evolved and eventually led me to my biggest resolution for the coming year. It's going to take a lot of work, but I know it's what I want to do. Here's to hoping I can make the time for it.

I pasted the email below.

Hey Professor Lange,

It's me, you know, one of those pesky first year CORE students. I was reflecting about the new year, about the last five years, and I couldn't help but think fondly of my classes with you at Champlain. It'd be really great to catch up and hear about what all is going on in your world, with your classes, and so on. As my former professor you'll be happy to hear that my education has been far from stagnant, although very unstructured. I'd like to go to grad school at some point, but for now I am learning on my own, reading books and the like. For a while after graduation I didn't quite know what to do with myself. I had secured employment (thankfully!) but ended up with all of this free time outside of work (until crunch time kicked in and the only thing outside of work I had time for was sleeping.) I picked up a few hobbies to eat the time I did manage for myself and am still enjoying them today. Youtube has been great for learning crafts, so I picked up crochet, jewelry making, and glass etching. These solo tasks give me lots of time to think and contemplate life, people, relationships.... I guess those words are all sort of synonymous to me, so it's been nice to have me time.

Much has changed professionally in the last two years. Things at 38 Studios were going well until the company went under before we shipped our game - it was a heartbreaking experience that left me sort of splashing around in the shark pit of the job market.  I was unemployed for a couple months but managed to find new work in Orange County, California! It's beautiful out here, but it's very different. The constant sun and palm trees don't exactly scream "New England!" And most of the houses are cookie cutter developments -- no charm.  The culture here is subtly different in so many ways. I'm going my own way though, and have truly never been happier. The constant sun really helps with that :)

2014 is going to be an exciting year for me, I think. My first BIG game is going to launch, Wildstar. I've set a few lofty writing goals for myself, and this mid-twenties crisis I've been going through has really inspired me to make sure I'm getting the most out of life. Sometimes I debate about whether I see myself in the game industry long term, as some of the downsides that come with it prevent me from attaining some of the other things I think I'll want for my future. I go back and forth with this sometimes when things get strenuous with work. We'll see what happens, as that is all pretty long term thinking.

I'd love some recommendations on books or ethnographic studies on cultures or groups of people that interest you. My hope is to find ways to evoke cultural empathy and community mindedness within the coming year so that I may feel more motivated to reach out to the communities here. I know that I want to be a force of good in a community, so 2014 will be a year of making connections.

I'll find a way to make this happen, to reach out to the communities here and figure out if this is truly a place I see myself long term. Apart from doing that, I know that there is a community here in need of so many things (like a community garden!)

Cheers.

A Year Past

This past year has been a blur, so I'll attempt to summarize it all quickly.

I worked a lot.
I thought about death, pondered God, felt love and embraced my own powers and capabilities for happiness.
I discovered negative thought patterns in my life and found they have a name: Anxiety. I also discovered that the wintertime makes me sad.
I made things, like hats and scarves and plushies.
I explored new places, like Crystal Cove State Park and Horse Poop Trail.
I moved in with Anthony.
I baked lots of things, like cookies and various types of bread.
I took trips to Florida and to Colorado to attend weddings, and up to San Francisco to visit friends.
I sang, and wrote silly songs and lyrics often.

I didn't write much otherwise, nor did I feel inspired to. I didn't play many games, or actively work much on any games other than Wildstar. I didn't maintain an internet presence or really bother much with my computer other than to watch Netflix. I spent a lot of my year in my own head, finding various outlets for self expression that extend beyond my norm. And you know what I discovered? -- I need to write again. I need my norm.  I need to take time to reflect on things in a more permanent way, commit things to "paper", and to provide myself  with prompts for thought in my future. I need to embrace language again to push myself through this medium.

I'm really looking forward to this break. I have a short story idea I've been cooking for a while, and for the first time this year I feel inspired to sit down and solidify it. Starting to write a story always feels like such a daunting task, but it really doesn't have to be. I know that even though I'm stumbling over these stream-of-consciousness words, I've just got to practice again to get into the groove.

Here's to hoping.

My year in photos:

Attitude Changes

Sometimes you just need someone close to you to show you a different perspective. Someone you trust, preferably someone you deeply care for. Someone who has an objective perspective on what's going on in your life so that they can help you clearly sort things out.

I got some great advice. It was one of the things that brought us together, and it's a trait that he embodies that I hope rubs off over time: change your attitude. Learn to live your life thinking about the short term for a while when the long term feels overwhelming or distant.

Over the last two weeks I have felt this attitude positively affect me in big ways, especially professionally. I am 100% focused on Wildstar, I feel much more confident in myself, and I am legitimately excited about what the future holds for this IP. Sometimes the grind of crunching day in and out can wear you down, but I know I can cope with this easily with the right attitude.

Cheers to perspective. Keep on keepin' on, even through the mud.

As You Age...

... life just gets better. That's what my Dad has always said to me, and I have no evidence in my life to suggest otherwise. Don't get me wrong -- there are ups and downs and sometimes wrong turns, but overall I find myself continuing to learn how to live a happier life. Things have just been plain great, and overall I am happier now than I have ever been. I am grateful to sleep on the couch this evening while friends visit over the weekend, and I couldn't have a more amazing partner in crime, who took us all to the Griffith Observatory today.Work is more exciting every day -- feeling more passionate, more inspired and more motivated by so many things.  (There's so much more I want to say about Wildstar, but it'll have to wait!!!)

So yeah.

Things.

All of them are awesome.

Blind

For the first time in many many years (since my sophomore year of high school?), I find myself without clear goals.

I have an idealized vision for my future. I fantasize about it a lot, and at this point of my life it seems like a pipe dream. How am I ever going to have enough money to start my own company? To purchase land and build my own studio? To start a garden, live sustainability, and live free from overly constricting societal norms? With the way the economy is and the instability of the game industry, even owning a house seems like an unrealistic goal.

It's kind of depressing.

So... where am I going? Am I just waking up every morning, spinning my wheels at a company that barely realizes I exist, making only just enough for my immediate needs, so that I can come home tired in the evenings to repeat the process again?

Maybe so.

Despite feeling unfulfilled, I am lucky enough to even have the luxury of feeling that. If I didn't have food, a place to live, family who loves me, I imagine I'd do almost anything to be in the position I'm in now. Reaching towards a higher tier of happiness, a new awareness, a different spiritual or existential understanding of the world comes only after base needs are fulfilled (like Maslow says).

Usually coming to that realization makes me feel better -- knowing that I have all of those base needs met means I should have no problem finding happiness, but I think I'm coming to expect more from my life -- from myself even.

Am I disappointing myself today?