In The Now

My last year and a half can be described in two words: EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.

Am I embracing life enough? When will death come for me? When will it come for my loved ones? What will I do if it comes for them before me? What will my last few moments of life be like? Is there a God? What is honesty? What is absolute truth? WHAT IS LIFE?!


GOSH, incessantly I'd pester myself with these unanswerable questions. Death showed its face to me from a distance this last year and a half -- a childhood friend lost the love of her life, another childhood friend drowned in a river, a friend of mine lost her brother in a car accident -- and yet I reacted as if I was the one burdened with this loss. These were people I hardly knew, but their loss was my loss, and I spent hours crying for them.  I over-empathized with the people I care for because I was already fighting my own demons at home. And though I still hurt for them, facing the death they faced does not send me into an existential crisis spiral that renders me useless for the rest of the evening. This foggy voice of anxiety would push me into a negative thoughtspace, and I'd lose perspective.

I'm happy to say that a lot has changed. It's taken effort and practice to break negative thought patterns. I look back on that time and wonder how I couldn't do it before. Though I could've easily wasted those years away watching crappy television shows as a way to cope, I kept my hands busy and my thoughts occupied. Don't get me wrong, I still watched those crappy television shows, but I multitasked! I learned new things, read nonfiction, explored history. And I am damn grateful that learning is my coping mechanism. I only wish that socializing was one, too. I holed myself up at home -- too socially anxious to put myself out there and too fragile to be vulnerable and open with others.

I still have a delicate ego sometimes, but being open and vulnerable, making deep and meaningful connections, is what brings me the most joy. I have to not be afraid of being perceived as "fake" anymore, because I know that my love and care is genuine, and that's what matters.  I've considered going back to school to get a psychology degree, but that thought feels overwhelming. (holy fuck school debt!) I want to be able to help other sensitive people like me. I'm often told to get a "thick skin", but I'm not sure developing a "thick skin" is what is best. I want to love and live openly, not hide behind some gross, scaly outer layer.

Even though this time was difficult for me, I'm so grateful for it. It was like my brain was saying, "Are you sure you're doing what you want?" And with a huge smile on my face and a heart full of gratitude I'm screaming back to the universe, "YES!"