Being here on campus almost 100% alone is one of the greatest experiences I've had, I'd say. It's slowly easing me into the loneliness of going home, and I've been able to do some reading and relaxing like I really needed after that crazy end of the semester. I've been playing video games, talking to friends, and spending a lot of time outside. I am very pleased with my weekend so far.
I got a text message from my previous boss at Play N Trade asking to hire me back. I was in the middle of playing Team Fortress 2, my adrenaline pumping and my fingers tapping, when the message arrived. I read it and squealed. I couldn't be happier about that right now. I have an awesome job lined up for me when I get home, a semi-fixed/semi-running vehicle, and the chance to get cracking down on my Maya, Programming and Mod building skills. Woohoo! Being offered this job got me really excited about the summer ((and it saves me a shit ton of time and effort in job hunting)).
Somehow things always work out. I just hope I'm not speaking too soon.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Champlain is Empty
Most of my friends have now officially left campus, and Cushing hall is the loneliest place in the world right now. The only people left in this building are me and my two RAs. I watched as my friends emptied their rooms, slowly stripping them bare of their previous dwellers. Some of the rooms in this building have so many memories, and to see them empty leaves a cool feeling in my bones.
My roommate left yesterday, and with her departure came a nice looking hole in the wall. Somehow she managed to rip off a big chunk of the sheetrock paper and paint -- at least I have something to remember her while I'm here. I'm excited cause her and I will be suite-mates next year too. She really was the best roommate ever.
I've spent the last few days cleaning up my room. Now that I have the stress lifted from finals and the end of the year, I feel like I can really focus on the things I need to be doing for me. Despite the week of rain ahead, I cannot wait for my Peer Advisor training to eat up the hours in my day. I cannot wait to get home so I can work on making my mother happy again. I cannot wait to get home to see those I've missed and spend some time just sitting around and enjoying life.
My roommate left yesterday, and with her departure came a nice looking hole in the wall. Somehow she managed to rip off a big chunk of the sheetrock paper and paint -- at least I have something to remember her while I'm here. I'm excited cause her and I will be suite-mates next year too. She really was the best roommate ever.
I've spent the last few days cleaning up my room. Now that I have the stress lifted from finals and the end of the year, I feel like I can really focus on the things I need to be doing for me. Despite the week of rain ahead, I cannot wait for my Peer Advisor training to eat up the hours in my day. I cannot wait to get home so I can work on making my mother happy again. I cannot wait to get home to see those I've missed and spend some time just sitting around and enjoying life.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Double Take
What a strange day.
My teeth hurt because I've been grinding them from the stress.
I wrote 7 essays and somehow my brain is still in tact (well.. almost).
My butt crack hung out so many times today and I'm totally okay with that.
There is a hideous picture of Hillary Clinton on my homepage, and I can't stop looking at it. Her mouth is gaping, and she just looks so damn funny. I wish people didn't call her a bitch.
I can't stop drinking water today and I never normally drink water. I'm on my third bottle in the last 4 hours.
I'm still awake and I have to be up at 6:30 to get ready for a group meeting for one of my final exams tomorrow.
After tomorrow I'm done with my first year of college.
Wait -- what?!
My teeth hurt because I've been grinding them from the stress.
I wrote 7 essays and somehow my brain is still in tact (well.. almost).
My butt crack hung out so many times today and I'm totally okay with that.
There is a hideous picture of Hillary Clinton on my homepage, and I can't stop looking at it. Her mouth is gaping, and she just looks so damn funny. I wish people didn't call her a bitch.
I can't stop drinking water today and I never normally drink water. I'm on my third bottle in the last 4 hours.
I'm still awake and I have to be up at 6:30 to get ready for a group meeting for one of my final exams tomorrow.
After tomorrow I'm done with my first year of college.
Wait -- what?!
Monday, April 21, 2008
A Skipping Stone
Irony, it seems, has come around full circle, and I'm finally starting to see things in a new perspective. There are many things about myself that I would like to change, and I often find myself wishing that my behavior isn't driving down the road of life with emotion in the driver's seat. My logic lounges in the back, occasionally giving its two cents and sitting up to steer when necessary -- but that's rare sometimes.
I'll never forget the conversation I had with a good friend of mine a while back in high school. He told me that his lungs were so full of irony, and I wonder if I'll ever understand what he meant. It's been three years, and I'm still not quite sure.
I wrote a lil poem type thingy ish.
When I am with you, my heart is a skipping stone.
Soft and smooth,
A little bit flawed -- but wait! Oh yes it is
The perfect shape,
Fitting snug inside the palm of your hand,
And those flaws -- what flaws?
This stone will go places.
Those flaws, well they just don't mean a thing.
As my heart curls up inside the warmth of your palm,
I know that you will take me places.
You'll throw me and I'll be off,
Laughing and dancing above the water, the fishes, the sand,
And I won't think of the moment
Where my dance will end
And I'll creep to the bottom to
Be found again.
~~ Throw me real hard, okay? So I can soar through the air for a long, long time.
I'll never forget the conversation I had with a good friend of mine a while back in high school. He told me that his lungs were so full of irony, and I wonder if I'll ever understand what he meant. It's been three years, and I'm still not quite sure.
I wrote a lil poem type thingy ish.
When I am with you, my heart is a skipping stone.
Soft and smooth,
A little bit flawed -- but wait! Oh yes it is
The perfect shape,
Fitting snug inside the palm of your hand,
And those flaws -- what flaws?
This stone will go places.
Those flaws, well they just don't mean a thing.
As my heart curls up inside the warmth of your palm,
I know that you will take me places.
You'll throw me and I'll be off,
Laughing and dancing above the water, the fishes, the sand,
And I won't think of the moment
Where my dance will end
And I'll creep to the bottom to
Be found again.
~~ Throw me real hard, okay? So I can soar through the air for a long, long time.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
A Peaceful View of the Afterlife
The sun has crept out from wherever it was hiding, and the people seem to have done the same. I was surprised to see this city alive with smiles and sunglasses and laughter. My skin is soaking it all in, and despite the tremendous amounts of work I have this weekend, I walked around campus without a care in the world -- at least for a few hours. I find it funny how this weather seems to bring people together, and it is unfortunate that the end of the year is so close. Maybe we'll all just pick up right where we left off when we get back.
Maybe I'm dreaming.
Per request of a friend who was in need of some sleep (and apparently bored), I wrote a bedtime story with the only requirement that it includes gold and a bear. With little direction in mind and little energy in my brain, here it is below. To say the least, I'm intrigued by the outcome, for I somehow got from nowhere to somewhere. Below is the edited version.
"The sky was almost completely clear except for the high, whispy clouds that barely tainted the overall mastery of blue. A young man, stern in his appearance yet lighthearted and peaceful in demeanor, lied upon the tall grass that stretched on for miles. Tucked in his pocket lay a worn gold pocket watch given to him by a person he couldn't quite remember. His memories were, of course, of little importance, for the sky was too beautiful to be bothered by anything else. The pocket watch ticked quietly in his hand while the wind whispered more loudly in his ears. He sighed heavily, taking in the cool breeze that rustled the grass.
"Who might you be?" said a voice startlingly close to the boy's ears
He couldn't look away from the sky, though, for he couldn't stop watching that single cloud drift by. "My name is Michael," replied the boy.
"Michael, how wonderful to meet you. My name is Bear. Can you tell me what you're looking at?"
"That cloud over there," said Michael. "It stopped moving."
Bear looked up to the sky, squinting his eyes from the sun, and paused. "Hmm. So it has. I guess that would explain why we've come together, wouldn't it?"
Michael, not fully listening to the stranger, blinked his eyes slowly and nodded in agreement.
Bear lied down next to Michael, putting his paws under his head and his feet crossed over each other. Michael, finally understanding this stranger's apparent lack of awkwardness, looked over at Bear and smiled.
"Well, I suppose that would bring us together, then," he said with a warm tone. He pulled out the pocket watch from inside his pocket and opened it to find that the second hand had stopped moving.
"Will we ever wake up?" Michael asked.
"I don't think so," replied Bear."
Maybe I'm dreaming.
Per request of a friend who was in need of some sleep (and apparently bored), I wrote a bedtime story with the only requirement that it includes gold and a bear. With little direction in mind and little energy in my brain, here it is below. To say the least, I'm intrigued by the outcome, for I somehow got from nowhere to somewhere. Below is the edited version.
"The sky was almost completely clear except for the high, whispy clouds that barely tainted the overall mastery of blue. A young man, stern in his appearance yet lighthearted and peaceful in demeanor, lied upon the tall grass that stretched on for miles. Tucked in his pocket lay a worn gold pocket watch given to him by a person he couldn't quite remember. His memories were, of course, of little importance, for the sky was too beautiful to be bothered by anything else. The pocket watch ticked quietly in his hand while the wind whispered more loudly in his ears. He sighed heavily, taking in the cool breeze that rustled the grass.
"Who might you be?" said a voice startlingly close to the boy's ears
He couldn't look away from the sky, though, for he couldn't stop watching that single cloud drift by. "My name is Michael," replied the boy.
"Michael, how wonderful to meet you. My name is Bear. Can you tell me what you're looking at?"
"That cloud over there," said Michael. "It stopped moving."
Bear looked up to the sky, squinting his eyes from the sun, and paused. "Hmm. So it has. I guess that would explain why we've come together, wouldn't it?"
Michael, not fully listening to the stranger, blinked his eyes slowly and nodded in agreement.
Bear lied down next to Michael, putting his paws under his head and his feet crossed over each other. Michael, finally understanding this stranger's apparent lack of awkwardness, looked over at Bear and smiled.
"Well, I suppose that would bring us together, then," he said with a warm tone. He pulled out the pocket watch from inside his pocket and opened it to find that the second hand had stopped moving.
"Will we ever wake up?" Michael asked.
"I don't think so," replied Bear."
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Examining Lies
I have had a lot of things on my mind lately, yet I just haven't the motivation to come to the computer and put them in print.
Why is it that humans have the ability to form lies? Lies have such a negative connotation in our society, in our culture, even in most parts of the world, yet when I look at lies from a Freudian perspective, I cannot help but feel my bitterness towards lies disappear. Freud believes that our behavior is shaped around our personal attempts at sustaining and protecting our egos. He would say that denial, a form of lying to oneself, is a way that we block out the truth so we are able to see ourselves in a better light and function mentally.
So are you lying to protect your ego? Think about the times you have lied, whether it is something small -- is it to do this?
I would say that it is.
And in many ways it makes me understand why people lie, and while I'd rather know the truth, if it is best for you to lie to me, then maybe that's okay sometimes.
Sometimes I wish that Serge would lie to me. I'm running out of things to say to him to try and make him feel better. He hates AIT, he's incredibly unhappy, and I have not felt more helpless. Every night that we've talked this past week, he has just held so much anger towards his situation that he will not even talk about anything else, and all of his horrible feelings get dumped on me.. and there's nothing I can do. I'm going to bed frustrated every night because I cannot be there for him anymore.
~*~
Things at school are going really well. I'm slowly warming up to the idea of summer, and I really miss my family. I'm looking forward to seeing them.
Why is it that humans have the ability to form lies? Lies have such a negative connotation in our society, in our culture, even in most parts of the world, yet when I look at lies from a Freudian perspective, I cannot help but feel my bitterness towards lies disappear. Freud believes that our behavior is shaped around our personal attempts at sustaining and protecting our egos. He would say that denial, a form of lying to oneself, is a way that we block out the truth so we are able to see ourselves in a better light and function mentally.
So are you lying to protect your ego? Think about the times you have lied, whether it is something small -- is it to do this?
I would say that it is.
And in many ways it makes me understand why people lie, and while I'd rather know the truth, if it is best for you to lie to me, then maybe that's okay sometimes.
Sometimes I wish that Serge would lie to me. I'm running out of things to say to him to try and make him feel better. He hates AIT, he's incredibly unhappy, and I have not felt more helpless. Every night that we've talked this past week, he has just held so much anger towards his situation that he will not even talk about anything else, and all of his horrible feelings get dumped on me.. and there's nothing I can do. I'm going to bed frustrated every night because I cannot be there for him anymore.
~*~
Things at school are going really well. I'm slowly warming up to the idea of summer, and I really miss my family. I'm looking forward to seeing them.
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