One would think that Memorial Day, with the wonderful weather and many people's small vacation, would bring joy to my heart. Instead I feel rather sad. Memorial Day is the day set aside to remember those who have died in war. Why would one rejoice on such a day?
I was watching 60 Minutes, and at the end Mickey Rooney gives the world his 2 cents on specific topics. Tonight he talked about his views of Memorial Day; he told us how he has a lot more to remember than most people, for he served in World War II and lost many of his best friends. He said one thing that I think will stick with me forever -- he wishes that Memorial Day was focused around something other than remembering. Instead he wished this day was centered around the creation of "perhaps a new religion" where War was no longer used as a way to solve this world's problems. He wished that instead of us focusing on what he had lost we should focus on those who we could lose, those "teenage boys and girls" who will die in this war now.
I want to make a religion where War is no longer used. It makes so much sense. Why do we even allow it? How can we even think that war is the answer to anything in life?
It makes me feel very alone. I don't know why, it's just how I feel right now.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
The Countdowns
I'm observing this madness?
Perhaps just twisted reality
Where the mind is none at all
And the smiles are endless.
I feel a sense of content
Knowing that openness is of no worry
And free hugs are always on the menu.
I can only imagine the sense of time that passes them
And the viscous courage that pumps through them.
I know I cannot feel it, but I can still see it,
And that is enough for me.
There are days where I know that my job has saved me -- it has kept me going in times when I needed others the most, but today it is my curse. I got two hours of sleep last night and have a wonderfully long shift today. I doubt I'll make it to Brookline today because of the inconvenient time and the terrible lack of sleep. I hope they understand. I miss them.
As Dan and I fell asleep in the living room upstairs, a reminder of the time sang us a soft lullaby. We slept on an L shaped couch, our feet almost meeting at the vertex. "I can hear the morning birds, Dan," I said to him just as sleep was taking me. "The morning birds are singing us to sleep," he replied, and minds couldn't bare the consciousness any longer. We fell asleep as the sun was coming up and woke up before most of the world had even climbed out of bed. I drove Danielle's car the hour ride back home and here I am typing away, waiting for the hunger in my belly to subside and for noontime to bring me just a bit closer to sleep.
Serge is on a flight to Florida to visit the home of his good friend in the Army. His friend is 19 and married, and his wife is picking them up from the airport. I want nothing more than to be in her position, picking up Serge and bringing him home. Just two weeks left.
Chris will be here in just a few short days, and Kate will soon accompany him. I CANNOT wait to have them here to laugh, play video games and watch anime. I cannot wait to show them the nooks and crannies of Sharon -- the few gems this town has hidden away.
I'm going to go get the car inspected. My fingers are crossed -- I hope it passes!!
Perhaps just twisted reality
Where the mind is none at all
And the smiles are endless.
I feel a sense of content
Knowing that openness is of no worry
And free hugs are always on the menu.
I can only imagine the sense of time that passes them
And the viscous courage that pumps through them.
I know I cannot feel it, but I can still see it,
And that is enough for me.
There are days where I know that my job has saved me -- it has kept me going in times when I needed others the most, but today it is my curse. I got two hours of sleep last night and have a wonderfully long shift today. I doubt I'll make it to Brookline today because of the inconvenient time and the terrible lack of sleep. I hope they understand. I miss them.
As Dan and I fell asleep in the living room upstairs, a reminder of the time sang us a soft lullaby. We slept on an L shaped couch, our feet almost meeting at the vertex. "I can hear the morning birds, Dan," I said to him just as sleep was taking me. "The morning birds are singing us to sleep," he replied, and minds couldn't bare the consciousness any longer. We fell asleep as the sun was coming up and woke up before most of the world had even climbed out of bed. I drove Danielle's car the hour ride back home and here I am typing away, waiting for the hunger in my belly to subside and for noontime to bring me just a bit closer to sleep.
Serge is on a flight to Florida to visit the home of his good friend in the Army. His friend is 19 and married, and his wife is picking them up from the airport. I want nothing more than to be in her position, picking up Serge and bringing him home. Just two weeks left.
Chris will be here in just a few short days, and Kate will soon accompany him. I CANNOT wait to have them here to laugh, play video games and watch anime. I cannot wait to show them the nooks and crannies of Sharon -- the few gems this town has hidden away.
I'm going to go get the car inspected. My fingers are crossed -- I hope it passes!!
Friday, May 16, 2008
R.I.P. HDD
My 360 Hard Drive is broken. *cries*
I hung out with some old guy friends from high school and I'm so thankful as to how easy it was for me to adore them again. Out of sight, out of mind it seemed this past year. I was just so focused on the present and future that the past seemed to be non existent while I was at college. Now that I'm home, I know that I can never forget. These people are the ones who have shaped who I am today, and I'm thankful to have met again.
I get into phases with music. Hanging out with the guys tonight opened my eyes back up to the rap that I have hardly listened to this past year. A Tribe Called Quest, Danger Mouse and Nujabes are awakening my love for a good rhyme and a captivating beat.
"Sleep is the cousin of death" -- Nujabes feat Cise Starr
I hung out with some old guy friends from high school and I'm so thankful as to how easy it was for me to adore them again. Out of sight, out of mind it seemed this past year. I was just so focused on the present and future that the past seemed to be non existent while I was at college. Now that I'm home, I know that I can never forget. These people are the ones who have shaped who I am today, and I'm thankful to have met again.
I get into phases with music. Hanging out with the guys tonight opened my eyes back up to the rap that I have hardly listened to this past year. A Tribe Called Quest, Danger Mouse and Nujabes are awakening my love for a good rhyme and a captivating beat.
"Sleep is the cousin of death" -- Nujabes feat Cise Starr
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Science Rules (Everything)
The day before I left for my trip I had a long discussion with the boys in Play N Trade about time travel. We discussed black holes and dark matter (ZOMG) and all that neat stuff. I told them that scientifically speaking, if we found a way to travel faster than the speed of light, and we traveled out towards the edge of the universe, whenever we stop at that distance, at that physical place in the universe, we can look towards the center of the universe and see the past. We can watch the light that has been traveling outwards go through our eyes. We won't be able to change the past, or even touch it, but we can see it and witness it.
They understood. Eugene explained an incredible theory to me that I think makes perfect sense and is genius. It took me a long time to fully understand it (I just fully understood it right now) so explaining it on here might be too difficult. Eugene explained to me the reason why physical time travel simply could not exist. If we were to travel through time, our physical selves in the present would cease to exist, and we would be pushing our molecules into a space that is already taken up. When we arrive at that time in the past, we would dissipate into nothingness, for the universe will try to maintain an equilibrium. We could see things, but we would go right through them. We may be seen by others for a split second at times, but most of us would be gone. -- Does this sound familiar?!
He explained this as the reason we have ghosts. They're just beings that are stuck in time -- a time where they don't belong so they cannot fully exist.
I told them about how I believed we are eternal. If energy can be neither created nor destroyed, and if energy is what keeps us solid and keeps our atoms moving and sticking together -- keeps us warm and awake and moving -- then this energy must come from somewhere. This energy that we use has always existed, and it will always exist into the future, and the energy that I have gets passed onto you and everyone you know, so my energy is your energy, and we are one.
Think about every time you touched someone and they were cold. You suddenly found yourself feeling a bit colder, your hands turning into ice as you tried to warm their hands up. You were giving them your energy, and that energy you gave them might go into the air, or into their bodies. If it goes into the air, do you breathe it? If it goes into their body, does it keep them alive? Are you helping someone stay alive?
Every single person I have interacted with has become a part of me, for their energy runs through me and mine through them. Remember that person's hand you shook?
Don't ever forget it.
They understood. Eugene explained an incredible theory to me that I think makes perfect sense and is genius. It took me a long time to fully understand it (I just fully understood it right now) so explaining it on here might be too difficult. Eugene explained to me the reason why physical time travel simply could not exist. If we were to travel through time, our physical selves in the present would cease to exist, and we would be pushing our molecules into a space that is already taken up. When we arrive at that time in the past, we would dissipate into nothingness, for the universe will try to maintain an equilibrium. We could see things, but we would go right through them. We may be seen by others for a split second at times, but most of us would be gone. -- Does this sound familiar?!
He explained this as the reason we have ghosts. They're just beings that are stuck in time -- a time where they don't belong so they cannot fully exist.
I told them about how I believed we are eternal. If energy can be neither created nor destroyed, and if energy is what keeps us solid and keeps our atoms moving and sticking together -- keeps us warm and awake and moving -- then this energy must come from somewhere. This energy that we use has always existed, and it will always exist into the future, and the energy that I have gets passed onto you and everyone you know, so my energy is your energy, and we are one.
Think about every time you touched someone and they were cold. You suddenly found yourself feeling a bit colder, your hands turning into ice as you tried to warm their hands up. You were giving them your energy, and that energy you gave them might go into the air, or into their bodies. If it goes into the air, do you breathe it? If it goes into their body, does it keep them alive? Are you helping someone stay alive?
Every single person I have interacted with has become a part of me, for their energy runs through me and mine through them. Remember that person's hand you shook?
Don't ever forget it.
Adventures Kick My Butt
Somehow I made it back alive. The trip was quite the adventure and an incredible experience overall. I arrived in Norfolk, wandering aimlessly through the airport to find out that a taxi will probably cost me about 100 dollars cause of some terrible traffic. I wandered outside and a nice old man asked if he could help me. Apparently he could, and I got a ride from the airport to my hotel 30 minutes away.
I arrive at the hotel only to find out that I didn't book enough nights and that it was going to cost me another hundred dollars O_O. That sucked, but it was only a few hours till I saw Serge, and as long as I had my cell phone and we could be in contact, everything would be okay.
Well, just my luck, my phone broke. In half. Ka-putz.
I was tweaking out. I was sad about my phone because of all of the sentimental value it holds, and I was then communication-less. Serge arrived an hour and a half later than he told me he would be, and to say the least, I was worried as $@*&^$. Luckily I got a hold of my friend Kate from school and she called Serge for me, finally getting a hold of him after I had tried from the front desk a bajillion times.
It was so amazing to see him. I can't really describe it. The strange way a voice so distant in a phone transforms into a complete sensory experience. I could see him, touch him, hear him. Things just get better between us, and each time I see him, I know that we'll be okay.
I met some of his friends, and they're all really great guys. They're hilariously funny and surprisingly intelligent (I know, intelligence shouldn't be a surprise, but all Serge complained about was the stupidity of the people around him....) I had a great time meeting them and just cuddling the entire weekend.
After having the worst flight of my life while connecting in Maryland, I was bawling my eyes out, bending over a trashcan and waiting for the puke to come. I got in line to board my next flight (not even 10 minutes after I got off the terrifyingly horrible flight into Maryland). I noticed a young woman looking at me, and I felt embarrassed with the tears running down my face and the shakes taking over me. I said in some attempts to make excuses for my terrible anxiety, "I'm sorry, I just hate flying." She looked at me very sweetly and said, "are you flying alone?" I nodded and she held out her hand. "I'm Julia. Do you want to fly together?" And I said yes and gave a teary smile as we shook hands. She was so friendly, and I came to realize that she was quite the conversationalist. Her job is to shmooze with old people to get them to donate money for the War College in Rhode Island. It seemed perfect for her.
I'm happy to be home with just three weeks until he's here with me. Chris is coming to visit in a few weeks, and I'm incredibly excited about that.
I start work tomorrow. I'm excited about that too.
I arrive at the hotel only to find out that I didn't book enough nights and that it was going to cost me another hundred dollars O_O. That sucked, but it was only a few hours till I saw Serge, and as long as I had my cell phone and we could be in contact, everything would be okay.
Well, just my luck, my phone broke. In half. Ka-putz.
I was tweaking out. I was sad about my phone because of all of the sentimental value it holds, and I was then communication-less. Serge arrived an hour and a half later than he told me he would be, and to say the least, I was worried as $@*&^$. Luckily I got a hold of my friend Kate from school and she called Serge for me, finally getting a hold of him after I had tried from the front desk a bajillion times.
It was so amazing to see him. I can't really describe it. The strange way a voice so distant in a phone transforms into a complete sensory experience. I could see him, touch him, hear him. Things just get better between us, and each time I see him, I know that we'll be okay.
I met some of his friends, and they're all really great guys. They're hilariously funny and surprisingly intelligent (I know, intelligence shouldn't be a surprise, but all Serge complained about was the stupidity of the people around him....) I had a great time meeting them and just cuddling the entire weekend.
After having the worst flight of my life while connecting in Maryland, I was bawling my eyes out, bending over a trashcan and waiting for the puke to come. I got in line to board my next flight (not even 10 minutes after I got off the terrifyingly horrible flight into Maryland). I noticed a young woman looking at me, and I felt embarrassed with the tears running down my face and the shakes taking over me. I said in some attempts to make excuses for my terrible anxiety, "I'm sorry, I just hate flying." She looked at me very sweetly and said, "are you flying alone?" I nodded and she held out her hand. "I'm Julia. Do you want to fly together?" And I said yes and gave a teary smile as we shook hands. She was so friendly, and I came to realize that she was quite the conversationalist. Her job is to shmooze with old people to get them to donate money for the War College in Rhode Island. It seemed perfect for her.
I'm happy to be home with just three weeks until he's here with me. Chris is coming to visit in a few weeks, and I'm incredibly excited about that.
I start work tomorrow. I'm excited about that too.
Monday, May 5, 2008
I'm Avoiding the Subject
"Lies are just wishes in disguise"
What an interesting way to look at lies.
Erin was here last night, and it was really nice to see her and spend time with her. It was interesting to see how she's changed and how she's stayed the same. I almost felt like I was getting to know the new her, and I love it. I do love meeting new people, afterall. I'm going with her to her school today, and I have a lot of butterflies about it. I'll meet the people who she has told me so much about, and I wonder what it will be like.
I talked with a good friend last night on the phone for a while, and it was really what we needed. I'm very thankful for it. I feel like the door has been opened now, we're standing on opposite sides, and all we need to do now is reach out and grab each other.
I'm excited for that. I'm excited for another chance.
Serge is at FTX now and we won't be able to talk for this week.... but in just FOUR SHORT DAYS I will be in his arms again. It's been 13 weeks, the longest stretch we've had, and I need this so badly. I can't believe how fast and slow it went, and I cannot believe that our reunion once again is only a few days away. Each month that goes by, I'm astonished by how well we're doing. Somehow it gets better and better.
I'm meeting Eugene today at 3 to talk about working at Play N Trade again. I'm so fucking excited about that.
What an interesting way to look at lies.
Erin was here last night, and it was really nice to see her and spend time with her. It was interesting to see how she's changed and how she's stayed the same. I almost felt like I was getting to know the new her, and I love it. I do love meeting new people, afterall. I'm going with her to her school today, and I have a lot of butterflies about it. I'll meet the people who she has told me so much about, and I wonder what it will be like.
I talked with a good friend last night on the phone for a while, and it was really what we needed. I'm very thankful for it. I feel like the door has been opened now, we're standing on opposite sides, and all we need to do now is reach out and grab each other.
I'm excited for that. I'm excited for another chance.
Serge is at FTX now and we won't be able to talk for this week.... but in just FOUR SHORT DAYS I will be in his arms again. It's been 13 weeks, the longest stretch we've had, and I need this so badly. I can't believe how fast and slow it went, and I cannot believe that our reunion once again is only a few days away. Each month that goes by, I'm astonished by how well we're doing. Somehow it gets better and better.
I'm meeting Eugene today at 3 to talk about working at Play N Trade again. I'm so fucking excited about that.
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