Transitioning

I had my last final as a Junior EGD student at Champlain today. I had my last day of work as the Lead Game Designer on the Emergent Media Center's UN Project, and I am currently jobless for 4 weeks. I'm really sad to leave that project at such an intense and important time, but I know that the team will really make this thing shine come our June release. I'm moving out of Spinner Place on Monday, and it will begin the summer life for real.

The Senior Show was an incredibly awesome night. Our program director really opened up to us, and it was great to see. The 2010 Class is going to be soooo missed, and I'm really sad to see them go. I know that they all will have so much success in their lives -- I have no doubt of that. The program director congratulated me with a hug on landing my internship as well, and I felt really proud and honored to receive that from her. As the 2010 class transitions into new responsibilities and freedoms, I am settling into the many changes that are going on in my life as well.

There have been a lot of transitions going on lately, and I'm welcoming them all with open arms and a smile. Every change that happens will be a change for the better, and I'm confident in that. Although it took me a while, I stopped checking to see if he was online every night, and it doesn't bother me anymore that he doesn't care. There is nothing I can do about it but move forward, and I think I'm doing a great job at that. I have to admit that I take solace in the thought that he may regret his decision some day, but whether or not he actually does is irrelevant to my future.

I'm so happy for some transition. Bring it on!

Internships, Gold Masters, and Smiles

It is three days away from my summer vacation, and it is on the second day of this snow storm we are getting. Something doesn't seem to add up to me here.

I have no doubt in my mind that this summer is going to kick so much ass. I am incredibly happy to announce that I was offered an internship at 38 Studios as a QA Tester. I'm sure you can imagine that there was no way in hell that I could turn that down, so I'm sending my acceptance letter today. I'll be working closely with the QA Leads, and I cannot wait.

I am currently sitting in the Emergent Media Center waiting for a small group of middle school students to come by for some job shadowing, and I have a nice, cool bottle of Mountain Dew to keep me company (did I mention that it's 8:45 in the morning?!). Monday night I pulled my first full all nighter of college -- I usually give myself at least 20 minutes of sleep, but that was not much of an option that night. Team Work (our team name) had our Gold Master of our UDK game called Recognition due yesterday, and we are all incredibly happy about how it turned out. We want to continue to add some polish and make some tweaks to the gameplay, and when we feel like it's fully done, we'll be creating a ModDB page, and I'll be sure to link it here.

Last night was the 2nd Annual Game Demo Night at Champlain College, and it was a lot of fun. Get a bunch of nerds in a room together with a projector, computer, and sound system, and there is bound to be a small competition of Robot Unicorn Attack. Various teams showed off their games last night -- not including our team (most of which was sleeping after our work-filled night) -- and they were really great to see. I made some friends and really felt like this is one of the best communities at Champlain. I'm hoping that next year as a senior I can do my part to make it better.


Summer is just 2 papers, 1 presentation, and 3 days away, and I'm smiling.

Awesome Summer! Promise, Right?

I'm listening to Coldplay, basking in the mutual understanding of a friendship, and looking forward to the warm weather that this summer has promised me. I've got the taste of coke bottle gummies in my mouth and a huge smile plastered all over it. This summer is the white light at the end of the gauntlet of work I've got left to do, yet I feel like I will come out of this victorious. My motivation to do work has dwindled a bit at the thought of summer so close, but I need to make sure I can get through this final push.

By the time Champlain makes us go home, I'll have a package waiting for me that brings promise of a new, fun, hobby that I cannot wait to start. In just a few short weeks after I get home, I'll have a kickass job that I can't wait to pursue, and I'm so eager to get started in that, too.

And I swear that I'm letting go of this anger as best as I can, but sometimes it gets the best of me. But to be honest and frank and a bit Freudian (not in the "slip" sort of way), "oh man, that sucks for you, dude."

Ups and Downs

I always used to think that one of the greatest things to do for an aching, girly, heart is to watch romantic comedies and love stories -- at least that's what those movies like to make us believe. I did so this weekend, watching two absolutely lovely movies/tv series, both of which filled me with love and hope but left me feeling empty and alone in the end. I write this now, soon after the completion of one of these such pieces of film, and I am frustrated with myself for feeling low about the break up. I'm having a hard time understanding how someone doesn't care about breaking someone else's heart (I originally wrote "life" instead of "heart" on accident...hah). I'm having a hard time understanding how someone can lie about love for over a year, or change his priorities so quickly, or forget what someone looks like after not seeing them for only 2 weeks.

I'm having a hard time understanding why I ever loved a person like this.

I don't want him to know how upset I still am about this, either. I don't want him to know that every time I sit at my computer doing work, I feel little pangs of anger when I see him online for hours without hearing from him. I can't decide if he's changed or if my perspective of him has, but either way it puts a sour feeling in my stomach every once in a while.

I'm not afraid to write about this here because I know for sure that he won't read this. He never once looked at my blog on his own accord while we were dating (which is ironic considering the number of you that come back every couple of days to read it... which is really heartwarming :D ). There are so many different levels of care in the world, so many different priorities, and I am doing my best to figure out which ones I value and which ones I don't.

Until then, I'll just keep swimming, smiling, and being productive.

I had a fantastic weekend. I went and saw my first show at the Radio Bean, and I loved it. It was just him, his guitar, and us -- only a few feet away. My heart melted. Beyond that time I spent with friends, which included that evening filled with two enjoyable movies -- New In Town and Rocket Science -- I was sitting at my computer chugging away for Recognition's Beta deliverable, which was yesterday. We made it, we did it, and holy crap I'm so happy it's done. We've still got a lot of polish to do on the game, and we've got a few Class B bugs, but polish is always the best part of the process, and I can't wait to make this game really shine.

~*~

Ever since the breakup I've come to some conclusions about where my attitude and perspective is in my life. It seems silly that a break up can make you reevaluate these kinds of things, but it just goes to show how much I cared. I learned a lot about how care can be such a loving, giving force, and it can also feed into destructive ones, especially when the other side of the road is careless. I learned that this break up doesn't really matter to him, and that morphed my care into a lot of anger that I really don't want or need in my life right now.

So I've let go. What seemed like a horrible misfortune has now taught me about the extent of my emotional durability. I have a new sense of self -- a better self esteem -- and I'm so happy to be given the chance to find that person who "will show me why all the other ones didn't work", as my friend Mike put it. And I'm not afraid to take chances anymore. I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve and continuing to love everything to the fullest extent that I can.

I just got my hair cut short, got a red peekaboo, and I'm ready for the summer :)

Dessa Gets It

Everything feels really beautiful tonight. I have so much energy, and the music I'm listening to tonight is fully pumping through me. I'm approaching each day with a new attitude. I woke up this morning, shook off the emotionally charged nightmare, and smiled for the whole day -- it was exactly what I needed. I'm eagerly waiting to hear back about my future, and I'm really looking forward to going home -- I think I need some time to focus on me for a while.

Team Work (woop woop) is approaching Beta this Tuesday, and I'm very excited. Things are really coming together, and it feels great. I'll post a link as soon as we get it online. Stay tuned!

I'm listening to Dessa's new album, and this song is what hooked me. She's got a way with words, a soulful voice, and a pretty badass attitude.

"Fight fire with fire but the fire won't fight

We just fly these circles like tired kites

And you flash some fang

And I bat my lashes

And we're back again

No end to this game with matches

We've been lovers and strangers and friends who get angry

Made mistakes and amends and brief moments of magic

We forgive and forget and give in to attraction

This whole thing depends on amnesia and madness

And I'd be leaving for good, I'd be looking for better

But I got this broken habit I keep gluing back together"

Matches to Paper Dolls by Dessa

Earth tilts, Ressurections, and Rebirths

I was so right about that rain that we had earlier in the week -- the weather was so beautiful this past weekend, and even though it's cloudy today and a bit cooler, this nice weather is so uplifting.

Yesterday was Easter, and it marked a lot of change. Galactic, divine, and relational --- changes for the sun, for the highly worshiped, and for my future as I trudge through the depths of a failed relationship. I can't say much about the sun, other than how happy I am that it's finally smiling on us now, and I can't say much about Jesus, other than that he seemed like a pretty amazing dude, but I can say that these changes in my life mark something that is going to move in the right direction. Being rejected doesn't really do wonders for ones' self esteem or anything of that nature, but I'm determined to not let it put me down. I've got so many goals in my life, and not having this important person in my life doesn't change those goals, it just means that he won't be part of my success (which is not inevitable by any means, but I'm still crossing my fingers).

There is a very strange array of songs that are comforting me now. One sent to me by an old friend, another I found today from a band I already love, and one that I am almost embarrassed to mention (but I seriously love).

Anyway, I saw this coming, so I guess I shouldn't be as surprised as I am.

On another note, I am totally stuck in the Labyrinth level in God of War 3, and it's driving me nuts. Friggen harpies and spikey thingies and baddies. I think it is going to be the fuel for my public speaking speech tonight.