Lifting Burdons (o = e)

I had the most beautiful drive home tonight. Something about the air was different -- I felt more calm, more relaxed. I watched the sun and moon meet each other in the sky as the moon put the sun to bed. I watched the clouds swirl together and apart again, and I let my windows stay down the whole way. The wind played with my hair, the music competing with the dull roar of it, and nothing really phased me.

A long time ago I wrote a post in this blog about the idea of utilizing what I termed "Grammar Math" in a way that would construct poetry. Grammar math, for the abbreviated definition, is the way in which I fixed typos -- instead of putting the little asterisk next to the correct word, I would re-create the word using plus signs, minus signs and equal signs to have the reader figure it out. It was a short-lived habit I had, but it later planted the seed in my head for creativity.

Perhaps 2 years it has been since then, and I've finally felt inspired. I'm not happy with the work at all -- in fact I think it's a fairly personal expressionist piece instead of something that is relate-able in any way by another, but I figured I'd post it as an example and marker to a new writing exercise I hope to partake in in my future.

I am feeling the burden of your love (-burden of your)
That brings me down to a larger disparity (-down, larger = smaller)
Between the wrongfulness of the action and the longing to have it. (wrongfulness = passion, longing = anticipation, + soon).
The guilt of the enclosing departure (-guilt of the, departure = fingertips)
Feeds off the gruesome past farewells (-s, - gruesome, + distant, farewells = evenings)
Of those we once cherished.
I crawl into the dark places in my head (crawl = float, dark = warm, head = heart)
And hide away there until the light leaves, (leaves = fills me)
Coming out when I can no longer remember (remember = forget)
And I am safe again. (safe = whole, - again).

The interesting thing that I realized about this type of writing is that a person can interpret some parts of it on his or her own. Like whenever I add a word, (+ always, + distant), it isn't obvious where that word should go. I hope that you find places for these words that you like.

Synchronicity

One of the most amazing things, I think, is when you're driving somewhere and the song you're listening to ends right as you arrive at your destination. Somehow you had the urge to put it on, somehow the radio flipped to it, somehow the cd or playlist switched its track right at the appropriate distance away from your resting place and allowed you to experience the whole song to its fullest potential. You put the car in park, and the last note quickly begins to fade. You hold your hand on the keys in the ignition until the silence comes, and it was time -- you had arrived.

I love when that happens.

Did I mention that I was listening to this song??

Healing

After a small hiatus of extreme sick-dom, I kicked back into action and got my ass back to work. I had a really fantastic weekend, seeing Serge again, going hiking, seeing Despicable Me, and dancing my butt off. Unfortunately I think all of that fun is what led to my sickness, but I thankfully recovered quick and feel right as rain again.

I was really nervous about seeing Serge again. It has been a whole year since I last saw him, but we clicked and had a great time together. We know so much about one another that it's only natural for us to be fast friends again. While there will always be kinks for us to work out, it's nice to know that the difficult feelings we ignored for so long can be forgotten in exchange for smiles. The bitterness has vaporized, and nothing but happy memories linger with us now. It's comforting to know that messy ends can bring blossoming new beginnings over time.

I hate to see my time at 38 Studios dwindling away. I feel like I have carved a place for myself there; I have built relationships, felt growth, seen what it takes to create something great, and I don't want to leave that behind. I had a round table lunch today with Curt, and I could feel the faith and excitement he has for the company emanating from his eyes and the things he was saying. It was so motivational that I couldn't help but feel energized by his commitment to 38. I want to be part of his dream -- to make his dream my dream and a shared one among the whole team, and I feel like I'm well on my way to doing so. It'll make it really hard to leave. I hope that when I graduate I won't have to.

My senior team met on Sunday, and it was exactly what I needed. Things happened so naturally, so gracefully, so peacefully and perfectly, and I think we all feel really passionate about the direction we're going. It's a super awesome hybrid of many elements that we want to touch upon, and I think that it'll turn out into something we truly love. We decided to use Unreal, which is a bit of a relief for me, and I think it'll help make our development process run much more smoothly. For one thing, we can SUBVERSION IT!!!! Yayyy!!

To (and from) Joey -- I am so pleased that "we've changed together and in the same way. I like that better, you know, than to see you going farther and farther away and being condemned to mark your point of departure forever. All that you've told me - I came to tell you the same thing - though with other words, of course. We meet at the arrival. I can't tell you how pleased I am."

-- Satre, Nausea.

It ends before it starts sometimes

It is important to know that people grow and people change. Suddenly the priorities in our lives leave us and become vacant memories of what we used to hope for, or sometimes it isn't the priorities that leave us but the perspectives on them that shift into new desires. It's important for us to understand what we believe, to stand firm on those things but to also grasp onto their capability to change -- to hold onto them, but to do so lightly so that when they are pushed into a new direction we bend with them instead of break against them.

Yesterday I experienced my first unhappy reunion with someone I was once close with. It was unexpected -- a seemingly delightful surprise. He looked down upon me for my absence these last three years instead of embracing the new future that is in our potential to share together as friends. He threw that out the window, brought up the bitterness he felt from the past, and projected that upon me in a way that I know I deserve but had hoped I didn't have to endure. He didn't accept the way that I have changed, and it was weird to experience that. When I saw this good old friend of mine, my heart was full of love and excitement at all of the things we could talk about, and I'm sorry, dear old friend of mine, that it wasn't mutual. I hope that you only briefly mourn the loss of your ideas of who I was, and I am sorry that you didn't bend with me -- you broke against the new direction of who I have grown to be, and for that I am sorry.

I am having another reunion today, only this one I have anticipated for a long time, and for this one I am much more nervous about his judgment of me (for I cared for him more than anyone before, and since our break up 1 year ago, we have not seen each other). I am crossing my fingers.

21 and Reading

I had an completely amazing weekend. I turned 21, partied with coworkers in Boston and danced all night, went up to Burlington and hit some bars, saw a movie, played some games, and loved life. I didn't think that being 21 would change much, but I'm really enjoying this new sense of freedom I have from not having to work about where I can or cannot go. No place can shut its door on me!!

I got a couple fantastic gifts from my friends this birthday. Justin got me Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which we promise to read together, and Lauren got me The Red Book (which I've been wanting for a yearrrr). I've only peeked through both, and I can tell that within their pages lie many thought provoking and spiritually awakening words that will surely resonate within me.

For now, I am enjoying the company I keep, the smiles I receive, and the warmth surrounding me (although today it's hot as BALLS).