Sommet international du jeu de Montréal 2010!

MIGS 2010 seemed like a completely different conference from the one I went to over 2 years ago. It was in a different location, which I think was a huge part of it, but the atmosphere and the way I felt while there has changed.

The first time I went to MIGS I was merely a Sophomore in College. Nerves were high, for on the last session of the conference I was to help give a presentation about Breakaway (although it wasn't called that at the time). I didn't feel qualified by any means, nor did I feel ready to apply for jobs and put myself out there.

This year was totally different. I'm graduating in less than half a year, and I'm in a totally different mindset about my qualifications and readiness to get out into the industry. I have a different view of Montreal now, too. After living in this city, it doesn't feel nearly as foreign. I'm open to the possibility of living anywhere now, so I'll see where my path ends up when I get there.

MIGS overall was great this year, but the absence of Gamma was definitely prevalent. I look forward to going again and again in the future.

Words

"Please write down a list of words that you consider to be game changing, words that have the power to completely change a situation".

The room went silent, and I sat still. I looked down at the blank page in front of me and thought about the words that really mean a lot to me. I thought about the situations I've been in where words have made so much difference -- where one word or phrase changed my emotional state completely.

The phrase "I'm sorry" came to mind after a short while. I sat quietly at my seat looking at the words and realized that there wasn't much else. The words, no matter the sincerity, always evoke a sense of understanding within me, a resolution of sorts, I suppose.

I've thought about this a lot -- this idea that there are words out there that, when said, have the power to completely change the situation. I think that "I'm sorry" is still one of the more powerful phrases out there, but the more I think about it the more it hits home about how subjective these types of words and phrases are. I'm sure that for some people an apology can be meaningless; for some people, words like "mother" or "hate" have a lot more power to change a situation. All of these things are dependent upon the cares and qualities of the persons involved. I'm pretty sure that the only reason why the phrase "I'm sorry" has so much power for me is because it is easy for me to forgive.

So, what about you?

Just getting it out there...

It's been a while since I posted last. I think ever since I heard about this space being used as an avenue for negativity towards me, I have felt apprehensive about writing in here. As always, I encourage feedback and discussion about the things I write, but it's unsettling to hear that it's behind my back or in some sarcastic anonymous blog comment. Either way, it's not in my control, so I'm doing my best to brush it off.

The irony here is that these persons are probably realizing now that I have a decent idea about who they are. To you -- know that no matter your opinion of me, I'll probably still smile at you and hold a casual conversation with you because I have come to terms with the fact that you don't feel like having the truth come up in conversation between us (or else you probably would have brought it up by now). Now you know that I know, and now you know that I don't care enough to change the way I interact with you or diminish the respect I hold for you.

A lot has happened, a lot is continuing to happen, and I'm floating on -- still listening to dubstep, still writing as much as I can (but this time in a journal and not on the web), and still dancing my heart out when I get the chance. Some things have changed, of course -- I'm dating a pretty incredible guy, writing fiction again, and feeling the end of college loom around the corner. While I used to feel only excitement for the end of this chapter, I now feel a bit more... mixed. I think a lot of people I know are probably having similar feelings right now. Such is the inevitable.

This is just a quick update, I suppose. Lots to do, of course.

Why I'm Doing This

The existence of this is a risk. These words I write here are chosen carefully, yet they are distributed arbitrarily despite my uncertainty in their readiness to be read by just anyone. I don't think that this space is intended for everyone. I don't even think that I'm ready for them to be judged as harshly as I'm sure they are already.

So why do this?

I think I'd like to convince myself that only good can come from this. So far, good has come from it (meaningful conversations, interesting debates, and a job), and for the most part I think the bad has been shielded from me -- said behind closed doors out of my earshot and awareness. Nevertheless, I cannot be naive in thinking that every person who reads this cares about what is being written, finds it intellectually or emotionally stimulating, or even bothers to enter this space again.

So why do this?

I know that there are people who read this blog because they care for me, and a lot of the things that I feel and think about during my day are not expressed in any other space. Mom -- I know you're reading this now because you love me, and if all of the other reasons I write in this blog disappear, you will always be a reason for me.

I use this space to reflect a portion of my world view. Like the title of this blog intends to express, I truly believe that the world we each see is colored differently because it is a reflection of who we are -- a reflection of our world view -- and perhaps we can begin to understand the complexity of our varying perspectives by expressing them to one another.

I'm going to keep opening up. I'm going to keep being honest here, describing the things I find interesting despite their accuracy or relevance to someone else, until one day it doesn't fit with me anymore.

Judge, critique, think and feel as you will, and I encourage you to express that to me.

A Bit of Confirmation

There is an important detail that I left out about Antonio Demazzio in my post titled Fun Nights and Realistic Choices. If you can recall, Antonio Demazzio has a very distinct disconnect in his brain that disallows the ability to feel emotion. The important thing that I forgot to mention about Antonio is that he is chronically indecisive. He cannot make decisions about the littlest things, and he would spend hours and hours debating decisions in his mind.

This person's story means a lot to me. It validates to me the value and importance of our emotions; it helps me come to terms with the times in my life that I have made decisions seemingly irrational that were based on emotion. The importance here is that I was capable of making a decision, even when the options seemed to make little sense. Knowing that a person who uses logic and rationality alone to make decisions ends up lost in an in-between gives me some peace of mind. My emotions aren't -wrong- as I sometimes think them to be. I'm on the path I want to be, I am working towards learning and growing into something that I am not certain is "good" (but something that I hope is), and I think this story helped me define that uncertainty.

Mid Week Last Week

If I had written a post mid week last week, it would have discussed how frustrated I felt with my life. There was this lingering cloud of thought that focused around the fact that things in my life are changing without my control, and there is nothing I can do about it. The school year is approaching -- my internship and summer are consequently ending -- and I wasn't ready.

But things change. Attitudes and perspectives, especially emotionally focused ones, are like leaves in a strong breeze. They mostly pass through, each day bringing them somewhere new in my field of view. I'm focusing on the good things that come with this change now -- reconnecting friendships, learning, creating, and even building deeper bonds with someone special.

I'm glad I didn't write that post mid week last week.

Fun Nights and Realistic Choices

I tend to notice the little things.

Like last night -- I had a pretty long day at work, felt tired and ready to crash on my drive home, but instead went to Alex's to hang with him and Joey. When I arrived, a delicious meal was waiting, and I felt so happy and thankful to have these guys in my life. We ate and chit chatted, smiled and played Munchkin, and I had an all around relaxing and fantastic evening.

I've once again been listening to Radiolab a lot recently, and there are several really interesting things I've learned about that have resonated with me.

There is a psychological condition called Cotard's Delusion where patients describe this intense and deep seeded feeling that what they see around them and who they are isn't real. Some are convinced that they are actually dead, and that this reality that surrounds them is purgatory, or hell, or just... an in between space on their journey to somewhere else. -- This distortion fascinates me because, well, what if they are right? I'll ask it. I'll ask that question: what if - they are right- ?

There was a man named Antonio Demazzio who would describe his emotional state as being "numb". He said he had no feeling, and the only thing he could feel was a disconnect between himself and his emotions. Now, I should preface this and say that this was from the Radiolab about Choice (in fact, that's the title of it). And I pulled this quote, listened to it over and over to get it right, for several reasons.

"The conventional theory is that a person without emotions would be perfectly rational -- that emotions somehow interferred with rationality -- that it got in the way, yet here was this guy who couldn't experience emotions, and he was pathologically indecisive."

-Radiolab, Choice

I'll explain the significance of this for me some other time, but it is significant to a particular degree.

Kickstarts

My mindset is switching gears. It's time for me to accept the change that's coming in a few short weeks, depart from the norm that I've established working, living, and playing here, and revert back to the frame of mind that I've kept for the last 3 years. It'll be a strange and difficult transition I'm sure, but, like normal, it'll be exciting.

I visited Vermont last weekend, and I had a really fantastic time. People that were on the surface of my life really planted themselves as those I'd love to connect more with. These new friends opened their arms to me, and I felt welcomed and comfortable from the start. I'm really looking forward to staying with them again next weekend and kickstarting a fun-filled friendship.

I went to the Caspa show at the Middle East last week and had a BLAST. Dubstep has taken over a lot of my music recently, and I'm swimming in it. I can't stop listening to it -- and this song has taken over for the last few days. "And the love kickstarts again".

Deeper Meanings Within the Binary

"On the second night thereafter, I spoke to my soul and said, 'This new world appears weak and artificial to me. Artificial is a bad word, but the mustard seed that grew into a tree, the word that was conceived in the womb of a virgin, became a God to whom the earth was subject." - C.G. Jung, Liber Novus, pg. 242.

An image captcha phrase for me the other day was "soul momentous", and that is not a bad word (or phrase). And in my world this phrase was the mustard seed that became a God to whom was subject, and I adored it.

Sometimes I wonder what my computer is trying to say to me. Does it have a momentous soul?

Lifting Burdons (o = e)

I had the most beautiful drive home tonight. Something about the air was different -- I felt more calm, more relaxed. I watched the sun and moon meet each other in the sky as the moon put the sun to bed. I watched the clouds swirl together and apart again, and I let my windows stay down the whole way. The wind played with my hair, the music competing with the dull roar of it, and nothing really phased me.

A long time ago I wrote a post in this blog about the idea of utilizing what I termed "Grammar Math" in a way that would construct poetry. Grammar math, for the abbreviated definition, is the way in which I fixed typos -- instead of putting the little asterisk next to the correct word, I would re-create the word using plus signs, minus signs and equal signs to have the reader figure it out. It was a short-lived habit I had, but it later planted the seed in my head for creativity.

Perhaps 2 years it has been since then, and I've finally felt inspired. I'm not happy with the work at all -- in fact I think it's a fairly personal expressionist piece instead of something that is relate-able in any way by another, but I figured I'd post it as an example and marker to a new writing exercise I hope to partake in in my future.

I am feeling the burden of your love (-burden of your)
That brings me down to a larger disparity (-down, larger = smaller)
Between the wrongfulness of the action and the longing to have it. (wrongfulness = passion, longing = anticipation, + soon).
The guilt of the enclosing departure (-guilt of the, departure = fingertips)
Feeds off the gruesome past farewells (-s, - gruesome, + distant, farewells = evenings)
Of those we once cherished.
I crawl into the dark places in my head (crawl = float, dark = warm, head = heart)
And hide away there until the light leaves, (leaves = fills me)
Coming out when I can no longer remember (remember = forget)
And I am safe again. (safe = whole, - again).

The interesting thing that I realized about this type of writing is that a person can interpret some parts of it on his or her own. Like whenever I add a word, (+ always, + distant), it isn't obvious where that word should go. I hope that you find places for these words that you like.

Synchronicity

One of the most amazing things, I think, is when you're driving somewhere and the song you're listening to ends right as you arrive at your destination. Somehow you had the urge to put it on, somehow the radio flipped to it, somehow the cd or playlist switched its track right at the appropriate distance away from your resting place and allowed you to experience the whole song to its fullest potential. You put the car in park, and the last note quickly begins to fade. You hold your hand on the keys in the ignition until the silence comes, and it was time -- you had arrived.

I love when that happens.

Did I mention that I was listening to this song??

Healing

After a small hiatus of extreme sick-dom, I kicked back into action and got my ass back to work. I had a really fantastic weekend, seeing Serge again, going hiking, seeing Despicable Me, and dancing my butt off. Unfortunately I think all of that fun is what led to my sickness, but I thankfully recovered quick and feel right as rain again.

I was really nervous about seeing Serge again. It has been a whole year since I last saw him, but we clicked and had a great time together. We know so much about one another that it's only natural for us to be fast friends again. While there will always be kinks for us to work out, it's nice to know that the difficult feelings we ignored for so long can be forgotten in exchange for smiles. The bitterness has vaporized, and nothing but happy memories linger with us now. It's comforting to know that messy ends can bring blossoming new beginnings over time.

I hate to see my time at 38 Studios dwindling away. I feel like I have carved a place for myself there; I have built relationships, felt growth, seen what it takes to create something great, and I don't want to leave that behind. I had a round table lunch today with Curt, and I could feel the faith and excitement he has for the company emanating from his eyes and the things he was saying. It was so motivational that I couldn't help but feel energized by his commitment to 38. I want to be part of his dream -- to make his dream my dream and a shared one among the whole team, and I feel like I'm well on my way to doing so. It'll make it really hard to leave. I hope that when I graduate I won't have to.

My senior team met on Sunday, and it was exactly what I needed. Things happened so naturally, so gracefully, so peacefully and perfectly, and I think we all feel really passionate about the direction we're going. It's a super awesome hybrid of many elements that we want to touch upon, and I think that it'll turn out into something we truly love. We decided to use Unreal, which is a bit of a relief for me, and I think it'll help make our development process run much more smoothly. For one thing, we can SUBVERSION IT!!!! Yayyy!!

To (and from) Joey -- I am so pleased that "we've changed together and in the same way. I like that better, you know, than to see you going farther and farther away and being condemned to mark your point of departure forever. All that you've told me - I came to tell you the same thing - though with other words, of course. We meet at the arrival. I can't tell you how pleased I am."

-- Satre, Nausea.

It ends before it starts sometimes

It is important to know that people grow and people change. Suddenly the priorities in our lives leave us and become vacant memories of what we used to hope for, or sometimes it isn't the priorities that leave us but the perspectives on them that shift into new desires. It's important for us to understand what we believe, to stand firm on those things but to also grasp onto their capability to change -- to hold onto them, but to do so lightly so that when they are pushed into a new direction we bend with them instead of break against them.

Yesterday I experienced my first unhappy reunion with someone I was once close with. It was unexpected -- a seemingly delightful surprise. He looked down upon me for my absence these last three years instead of embracing the new future that is in our potential to share together as friends. He threw that out the window, brought up the bitterness he felt from the past, and projected that upon me in a way that I know I deserve but had hoped I didn't have to endure. He didn't accept the way that I have changed, and it was weird to experience that. When I saw this good old friend of mine, my heart was full of love and excitement at all of the things we could talk about, and I'm sorry, dear old friend of mine, that it wasn't mutual. I hope that you only briefly mourn the loss of your ideas of who I was, and I am sorry that you didn't bend with me -- you broke against the new direction of who I have grown to be, and for that I am sorry.

I am having another reunion today, only this one I have anticipated for a long time, and for this one I am much more nervous about his judgment of me (for I cared for him more than anyone before, and since our break up 1 year ago, we have not seen each other). I am crossing my fingers.

21 and Reading

I had an completely amazing weekend. I turned 21, partied with coworkers in Boston and danced all night, went up to Burlington and hit some bars, saw a movie, played some games, and loved life. I didn't think that being 21 would change much, but I'm really enjoying this new sense of freedom I have from not having to work about where I can or cannot go. No place can shut its door on me!!

I got a couple fantastic gifts from my friends this birthday. Justin got me Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which we promise to read together, and Lauren got me The Red Book (which I've been wanting for a yearrrr). I've only peeked through both, and I can tell that within their pages lie many thought provoking and spiritually awakening words that will surely resonate within me.

For now, I am enjoying the company I keep, the smiles I receive, and the warmth surrounding me (although today it's hot as BALLS).

Transitional

I sort of feel like I'm in a transitional period of my life right now. It's the sort of feeling you get when you're walking through your house at night, and you're going through a big empty room, but the next light switch is positioned all the way at the other end. You have to flick the first light off and become blind, walking through the darkness with nothing but an idea of your direction and the hope of its accuracy in your life. You hold your arms out, hoping to keep things at an arms distance away, and you only move slowly through the space. Each thing that you touch gets just enough attention for you to figure out what it is and move on, grateful for its affect on your direction.

Yeah, I think I sorta feel like that in some parts of my life.

Fun, Origami, and Fun with Origami

Today was fantastic!! A coworker of mine invited me out to this nice, little place called the Horseshoe Pub in Hudson, and a bunch of people came out for some drinks. It was a bit of a tease, considering I'm not 21 yet, but it was just gearing me up for what's to come in my future. Because we were a bit south from the studio, and there was no traffic out at 9:30, I made it home in just about 40 minutes, which felt pretty short in comparison to what I've become used to.

The 38 gang is a ton of fun, and I had a really great time hanging out with them all. I don't want my summer to end.

I've picked up a new habit: Origami! It's been a nice, relaxing activity that will take me a long time to master, I think, but I've been able to follow along and make some nice things already. It's been fun :)

Taking Risks and Getting Left Behind

Driving on the highway every day has made me decide that if this whole game design thing doesn't work out that I am about 66.66 % sure that I want to be a race car driver. It's made me think a lot about risk -- how some people risk their lives by becoming stunt-people or race car drivers or base jumpers -- and even though I feel like risk is a selfish thing, there is some sort of self-satisfaction that I'm beginning to understand. I still think that risking one's life is an act that is purely for the benefit of an individual and ignores the love and care from other people.

On another note, I've really enjoyed the amount of dancing I've worked into my day. I've enjoyed all that I've learned at my new job, and I've enjoyed continually learning how to deal with the loss that still lingers on my shoulders. I've enjoyed the busy-ness that has come with a new routine.

"I can't give it up

To someone else's touch

Because I care too much".

- The XX

Loving Through Dancing and Loving

I'm so happy that I came home for the summer. I was a bit apprehensive at first -- worried that the people from my past whom I hadn't seen in years would feel alien to me, and reconnecting with them would be difficult, but this group of people has nothing but love flowing through them, and I've felt really welcomed back into their lives after my three year disappearance. I can tell that they still care about and appreciate me just as much as I do for them.

We have been having regular dance parties now, and they are such a blast. The strobe light broke in the middle of the night, but that didn't stop us from continuing to shake it. I think we have all established that we all want to learn to krump, so that next weekend we can really get down.

HA!

Boston, Baby!

It has been a while since I have posted last, and much has happened in the meantime.

Things at 38 have been nothing short of totally, completely kick ass, and I love this job so much. I've met a lot of incredibly friendly people, and I've found the work has always been interesting, exciting, and fun. Even though waking up at 5:30 every morning isn't ideal, I don't think there is anything I would rather be doing.

Boston Post Mortem was earlier this week, and I have found that it consistently offers a fun night of entertainment. I always meet a few new people, and I have had the pleasure of seeing many of them fairly often at other industry events. With Boston Indies, Boston Post Mortem, Boston Unity Group, and who knows what else, I can say that Boston has one of the best game industry communities.

I'm currently sitting through Boston Unity Group's Unity Day at Northeastern, and it's really helping me get some inspiration for Senior Team Project. Tom Higgins from Unity Technologies is here, and he spent the morning showing us a ton of wicked cool stuff that will be coming out with the next Unity release coming "this Summer", he says. Unfortunately for me, he is going through the Lerpz 3D Platforming Tutorial -- an assignment Champlainers had last fall, so it is quite a bit of review. Tom is a really great speaker, he's going through this tutorial really clearly, and he has suggested so many fabulous resources for me to use next year -- including himself! Being here has really motivated me to get back into this engine, so I'm pumped!

Thursday night I had the extreme pleasure of going to an NBA Celtics vs. Lakers finals game, and I had an amazing freakin' time at that game. I've really never been a huge fan of basketball -- I felt bad for taking up the seat that I did -- but I ended up having such a great time, and my appreciation for basketball has increased tenfold. Basketball has drama, excitement, tact, and skill, and I've really enjoyed learning about players and seeing how they play from day to day.

I've got to pack up and head out early from this session, unfortunately. The next train is too early, and the train after that is wayyy too late.

"Mad Explosive Spontaneity"

I spent this beautiful weekend in Connecticut visitng Justin Superty, and I had a fantastic time. His family and home were really inviting and relaxing, and overall it was a great vacation weekend. The weather was absolutely perfect, so that didn't make it hard to enjoy each day, especially with such great company.

The drive home was a breeze, especially with Pretty Lights bumpin' through the speakers. Everything about the drive just put a smile on my face, and I felt the awe of life fill me up today. There are so many things for me to be excited about -- so much love surrounding me now -- that I think that now more than ever I have felt empowered to let go of some of the negativity in my life. Once the excitement of the newness in my life wears off, I feel like this awe will still linger (and that is so uplifting). My drive and motivation is getting kick started with the novelty that comes with time, and it's really helping me break away the barrier that has kept me stagnant for the last few months.

Bring on tomorrow. I'm ready.

(This is also really exciting. Yay!)

Diving In

Today was my first day working as a 38 Studios employee, and all I can say is: wowie. The energy in the studio radiates off everyone, and the level of talent there is so exciting. Everyone is so passionate about what they do to work towards their shared goals and dreams, and that confidence and faith is hard not to feel with them. They all kick so much ass! I can't believe I am part of this ridiculously crazy-awesome team. I was sad to leave the office early today, and I can't wait to go back again on Tuesday to sit in my prime, right-next-to-a-window spot. I can already tell that I am going to gain so much knowledge from this opportunity. My teammates have really welcomed me with open arms, and their patience and friendliness is going to make this an amazing experience -- I'm sure of it.

The check engine light on my car turned on during my drive to work today, and it has remained on for the whole day (I was hoping it would magically disappear after my day at work). I listened to my friend Gasoline Monk's new album on the drive up, and a mix of Arms and Sleepers and the new Deftones album on my way home -- I smiled and spaced out the whole way home that I missed my exit off the highway =P. Gasoline Monk, aka Forrest Armstrong for you surrealist, literary types, gave me his mixtape last night while were sitting around the campfire at DJs place, and it was great company for the ride up. I love the stuff he's got up on his myspace, so I highly suggest checking it out.

The coming of June means a big milestone for the UN Project team is just around the corner -- LAUNCH! I'm very excited for that to happen, and I'm wishing the team in Vermont the best!

This weekend will bring with it much rejoicing and lots of science. Labs are due and I have an exam to study for!

(My reason is because something is holding me back emotionally. What's yours?)

I started listening to Dubstep. I want to be able to dance to Dubstep better than this bird can.

I am sitting on a cloud right now. I have just arrived home from my visit to 38 Studios today, and I can't believe that I have been given the honor to work at this company. I saw some familiar faces while there and got to meet a few new ones, and I absolutely cannot wait for my first day on Friday. I met my QA coworkers and got a bit of a run down about what I'll be doing, and I can't wait to get started. It was wicked nice of them to take time out of their day to talk with me and show me the ropes a bit. I feel really welcomed into their supportive community, and it kicks so much ass. Friday can't come any sooner.

Leisurely Weekends and Crazy Exciting Weekdays

I had an incredible weekend. I ate good food, hung out with good people, saw new beautiful parts of Burlington I had never seen before, and ached during the finale of my favorite show of all time. I got a bit of sun and had a fairly pleasant drive home. I went to my dad's place for dinner tonight and finally got to show him some TOP GEAR (which I didn't get to show anyone during the weekend, unfortunately), and I think he enjoyed it. How can anyone dislike the Vietnam Special!!?

I've got my first visit to 38 Studios tomorrow, and I cannot wait for that. I've got to get to bed so I can wake up early and make it there by 9! Wish me luck :)

BPM and Burlington

Last night was Boston Post Mortem, and I had a fantastic time. I met Jesse, Ben and Les from 38 Studios, and it really pumped me up to meet them and hear about how fantastic 38 Studios is to work for. I am counting down the days now -- only a week away!! I also met a lot of other fun characters, and I can't wait to see them all again soon.

I'm heading up to Burlington tonight with Mike Fowler to watch the LOST finale at Higher Ground on Sunday. I can't believe this show is coming to an end. At this point, I have no idea how they're going to wrap everything up in just 2 hours.

A Week-Long Update

So many interesting and fun things have happened these last few days that I cannot even remember them all!

First things first: Check out Drink The Sea -- Glitch Mob's new album coming out May 25th. It's streaming for free on their website, and so far it's diviiiiine.

Many board games were won and lost on Sunday when I went to some of Kate Baxter's coworker's home in Quincy for a night of friendly competition. All of the games we played were new to me, so it turned out to be a really fun learning experience for me beyond the entertainment.We played Tsoro, Pandemic and Agricula, and I thoroughly enjoyed all three (although I'm pissed that we lost Pandemic!).

This past Monday I went to my first Boston Indies event, which is a small gathering of Boston Independent Developers that meet up once a month to watch a presentation and socialize. I met a lot of great people, and I'm definitely going again next month. Going to that event fully solidified my desire to stay in this city after I graduate. I love Boston -- I always have and I always will I think.

Things with my summer class are picking up, and I'm really enjoying it so far. I love most sciences, so it's difficult for me to dislike it. It is a Physical Science class that blends physics and chemistry together and strays from the mathematical approach to understanding these two concepts -- perfect for me :).

I visited a long time friend of mine in Marlborough on Tuesday, and catching up with him was really fun. I had a great time discussing the last 5 years of each others lives that we had missed, and since I'll be working just a stone's throw away from him, I'm sure we'll see a lot of each other this summer. While I was there we decided to check out the old factory where 38 Studios is located, and it is an incredible place. It's immense size aside, the factory has a ton of interesting history (and some beautiful brick work). It used to be a place where civil war uniforms were made and today it houses many different companies, including 38 Studios!

Wednesday was a relaxing day, and I was able to focus on Fit Brains work that I am finally starting to fully pick up, and I made myself some delicious dinner.

Tonight is the Boston Post Mortem meeting, and I am really looking forward to that. All of these things have really helped keep my mind off the break up, which I am finding has affected me more deeply than I could have anticipated. It seems harder for me to love to my fullest extent all that is around me, but I am determined to keep trying. He is no longer in my life, and I think that things are going to be better for me this way.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure." -- A blog post about this quote sometime in the future is in store.

Good Times Rollin'

Things are wonderful this morning.

The sun is finally out, and it is finally warming me to the point where I don't shiver in my house anymore. Although right after I typed that out I ran into my room and got a sweatshirt..... sigh. Perhaps I am still thinking wishfully.

I'm listening to Ludovico Einaudi this morning after finally setting up my desktop computer somewhere comfortable in the house, and I am putting together mix cds some more for my brand new used car. I've got an amazing cd with a mix of stuff from edIT (the Glitch Mob) and STS9 which is going to make any trip a bumpin' one. I've got a fun night ahead of me, and I'm excited for some cruising around with some good tunes.

Xena

One of the most beautiful things that has happened in my life happened the other day. For the first time in a very long time (in fact I can't remember the last time) I woke up at a reasonable hour to the sound of thunder and rain on my window. It was -the best- way to wake up -ever-. Since then, the weather has been all over the place, and I can't wait for it to just be warm, breezy, and summer-like again, but I felt like I needed to record that experience. I don't think I'll ever forget squinting my eyes open up towards the dimly lit window and watching the huge raindrop press up against my window and streak its way down with the others.

This past week has been very relaxing for me and hectic at the same time. I started my summer class the other day, and I got my first car on Friday ^_^. It's an adorable 2003 Toyota Corolla LE, and since getting it I cannot tell you how many people have asked me if it has a name! I am still in the deliberation process about a name, but I am leaning towards Xena the Warrior Princess because of how non-warrior like the little thing is. Having this new freedom is an incredible blessing, and I am so happy to be able to provide things for others with this vehicle. I love to drive, and with a good CD blasting and my voice hurting from singing, I know that it is love.

I took some allergy medicine today, and I haven't sneezed since. Unfortunately, though, drowsiness is a serious side effect for me, I think, and with it comes a bit of emotional uncertainty. I know that I'm going to end up passing out for a looooong time, so hopefully I can muster up some motivation to get up and head over to the gym.

God, His Computer, and Hypothermia on Our Toes

Last night was one of the most interesting nights I have had in a long time.

I kicked it off by seeing a group of friends for a time that was too short-lived, and I headed over to Lauren's place to watch Into The Wild with her and Mike. That movie made me feel a lot, and the ending left me feeling a bit dissatisfied and upset -- but such is the nature of stories based on true life. When he told the old man that feelings do not need to be shared with another individual, that they can be felt through all things, my gut reaction was to disagree. While I think that we can find happiness in all things in the world, it is best when shared. I highly recommend this movie to anyone who likes philosophy, nature, or interesting and beautiful cinematography.

After we watched the movie, Mike and I left Lauren's only to find his car had mysteriously disappeared. Did someone steal it? I immediately thought. It wasn't stolen or moved as a joke in any sense of the word -- it had gotten towed by an unknown company at some unknown time -- which sent Mike and I on an adventure. Needless to say, 4 and a half hours later we arrive at the tow lot (it's about 4am) and see Mike's car immediately behind the gate. The gate is open and the tow-truck driver is backing away, waving his arm at us saying "I have an emergency. I'll be back in 5 minutes." No, no, no, we both thought and verbalized to this neon silhouette, can't we just get it now?. Our sleepiness had made us frustrated and agitated, but it was no use. As soon as we had arrived on the lot, the driver was pulling away to take care of his emergency.

We waited outside. The night was only slightly cloudy, and the moon was bright and the air cool. Mike was unfortunately wearing flip flop sandals and his foggy mind had him plotting to sue the company for "hypothermia on my toes", which immediately had me in a giggle fit. We thought about how beautiful the sky was, and how amazing it is that we are all people with so many similarities and so many differences in the way that we act, feel, and look. This gave me the image of God utilizing the clone stamp tool in photoshop or some silly imagery.

From this conversation we created a comic idea called "God and His Computer". It's a three panel comic that shows God on a computer for the first panel with a title, him thinking about something in the second panel, sometimes with text and sometimes not, and the joke in the third panel. Here is a prototype comic written and drawn by Mike. Our 4am silly selves thought it was genius at the time, and I'm pretty sure we both still think it is. Expect more soon!

Transitioning

I had my last final as a Junior EGD student at Champlain today. I had my last day of work as the Lead Game Designer on the Emergent Media Center's UN Project, and I am currently jobless for 4 weeks. I'm really sad to leave that project at such an intense and important time, but I know that the team will really make this thing shine come our June release. I'm moving out of Spinner Place on Monday, and it will begin the summer life for real.

The Senior Show was an incredibly awesome night. Our program director really opened up to us, and it was great to see. The 2010 Class is going to be soooo missed, and I'm really sad to see them go. I know that they all will have so much success in their lives -- I have no doubt of that. The program director congratulated me with a hug on landing my internship as well, and I felt really proud and honored to receive that from her. As the 2010 class transitions into new responsibilities and freedoms, I am settling into the many changes that are going on in my life as well.

There have been a lot of transitions going on lately, and I'm welcoming them all with open arms and a smile. Every change that happens will be a change for the better, and I'm confident in that. Although it took me a while, I stopped checking to see if he was online every night, and it doesn't bother me anymore that he doesn't care. There is nothing I can do about it but move forward, and I think I'm doing a great job at that. I have to admit that I take solace in the thought that he may regret his decision some day, but whether or not he actually does is irrelevant to my future.

I'm so happy for some transition. Bring it on!

Internships, Gold Masters, and Smiles

It is three days away from my summer vacation, and it is on the second day of this snow storm we are getting. Something doesn't seem to add up to me here.

I have no doubt in my mind that this summer is going to kick so much ass. I am incredibly happy to announce that I was offered an internship at 38 Studios as a QA Tester. I'm sure you can imagine that there was no way in hell that I could turn that down, so I'm sending my acceptance letter today. I'll be working closely with the QA Leads, and I cannot wait.

I am currently sitting in the Emergent Media Center waiting for a small group of middle school students to come by for some job shadowing, and I have a nice, cool bottle of Mountain Dew to keep me company (did I mention that it's 8:45 in the morning?!). Monday night I pulled my first full all nighter of college -- I usually give myself at least 20 minutes of sleep, but that was not much of an option that night. Team Work (our team name) had our Gold Master of our UDK game called Recognition due yesterday, and we are all incredibly happy about how it turned out. We want to continue to add some polish and make some tweaks to the gameplay, and when we feel like it's fully done, we'll be creating a ModDB page, and I'll be sure to link it here.

Last night was the 2nd Annual Game Demo Night at Champlain College, and it was a lot of fun. Get a bunch of nerds in a room together with a projector, computer, and sound system, and there is bound to be a small competition of Robot Unicorn Attack. Various teams showed off their games last night -- not including our team (most of which was sleeping after our work-filled night) -- and they were really great to see. I made some friends and really felt like this is one of the best communities at Champlain. I'm hoping that next year as a senior I can do my part to make it better.


Summer is just 2 papers, 1 presentation, and 3 days away, and I'm smiling.

Awesome Summer! Promise, Right?

I'm listening to Coldplay, basking in the mutual understanding of a friendship, and looking forward to the warm weather that this summer has promised me. I've got the taste of coke bottle gummies in my mouth and a huge smile plastered all over it. This summer is the white light at the end of the gauntlet of work I've got left to do, yet I feel like I will come out of this victorious. My motivation to do work has dwindled a bit at the thought of summer so close, but I need to make sure I can get through this final push.

By the time Champlain makes us go home, I'll have a package waiting for me that brings promise of a new, fun, hobby that I cannot wait to start. In just a few short weeks after I get home, I'll have a kickass job that I can't wait to pursue, and I'm so eager to get started in that, too.

And I swear that I'm letting go of this anger as best as I can, but sometimes it gets the best of me. But to be honest and frank and a bit Freudian (not in the "slip" sort of way), "oh man, that sucks for you, dude."

Ups and Downs

I always used to think that one of the greatest things to do for an aching, girly, heart is to watch romantic comedies and love stories -- at least that's what those movies like to make us believe. I did so this weekend, watching two absolutely lovely movies/tv series, both of which filled me with love and hope but left me feeling empty and alone in the end. I write this now, soon after the completion of one of these such pieces of film, and I am frustrated with myself for feeling low about the break up. I'm having a hard time understanding how someone doesn't care about breaking someone else's heart (I originally wrote "life" instead of "heart" on accident...hah). I'm having a hard time understanding how someone can lie about love for over a year, or change his priorities so quickly, or forget what someone looks like after not seeing them for only 2 weeks.

I'm having a hard time understanding why I ever loved a person like this.

I don't want him to know how upset I still am about this, either. I don't want him to know that every time I sit at my computer doing work, I feel little pangs of anger when I see him online for hours without hearing from him. I can't decide if he's changed or if my perspective of him has, but either way it puts a sour feeling in my stomach every once in a while.

I'm not afraid to write about this here because I know for sure that he won't read this. He never once looked at my blog on his own accord while we were dating (which is ironic considering the number of you that come back every couple of days to read it... which is really heartwarming :D ). There are so many different levels of care in the world, so many different priorities, and I am doing my best to figure out which ones I value and which ones I don't.

Until then, I'll just keep swimming, smiling, and being productive.

I had a fantastic weekend. I went and saw my first show at the Radio Bean, and I loved it. It was just him, his guitar, and us -- only a few feet away. My heart melted. Beyond that time I spent with friends, which included that evening filled with two enjoyable movies -- New In Town and Rocket Science -- I was sitting at my computer chugging away for Recognition's Beta deliverable, which was yesterday. We made it, we did it, and holy crap I'm so happy it's done. We've still got a lot of polish to do on the game, and we've got a few Class B bugs, but polish is always the best part of the process, and I can't wait to make this game really shine.

~*~

Ever since the breakup I've come to some conclusions about where my attitude and perspective is in my life. It seems silly that a break up can make you reevaluate these kinds of things, but it just goes to show how much I cared. I learned a lot about how care can be such a loving, giving force, and it can also feed into destructive ones, especially when the other side of the road is careless. I learned that this break up doesn't really matter to him, and that morphed my care into a lot of anger that I really don't want or need in my life right now.

So I've let go. What seemed like a horrible misfortune has now taught me about the extent of my emotional durability. I have a new sense of self -- a better self esteem -- and I'm so happy to be given the chance to find that person who "will show me why all the other ones didn't work", as my friend Mike put it. And I'm not afraid to take chances anymore. I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve and continuing to love everything to the fullest extent that I can.

I just got my hair cut short, got a red peekaboo, and I'm ready for the summer :)

Dessa Gets It

Everything feels really beautiful tonight. I have so much energy, and the music I'm listening to tonight is fully pumping through me. I'm approaching each day with a new attitude. I woke up this morning, shook off the emotionally charged nightmare, and smiled for the whole day -- it was exactly what I needed. I'm eagerly waiting to hear back about my future, and I'm really looking forward to going home -- I think I need some time to focus on me for a while.

Team Work (woop woop) is approaching Beta this Tuesday, and I'm very excited. Things are really coming together, and it feels great. I'll post a link as soon as we get it online. Stay tuned!

I'm listening to Dessa's new album, and this song is what hooked me. She's got a way with words, a soulful voice, and a pretty badass attitude.

"Fight fire with fire but the fire won't fight

We just fly these circles like tired kites

And you flash some fang

And I bat my lashes

And we're back again

No end to this game with matches

We've been lovers and strangers and friends who get angry

Made mistakes and amends and brief moments of magic

We forgive and forget and give in to attraction

This whole thing depends on amnesia and madness

And I'd be leaving for good, I'd be looking for better

But I got this broken habit I keep gluing back together"

Matches to Paper Dolls by Dessa

Earth tilts, Ressurections, and Rebirths

I was so right about that rain that we had earlier in the week -- the weather was so beautiful this past weekend, and even though it's cloudy today and a bit cooler, this nice weather is so uplifting.

Yesterday was Easter, and it marked a lot of change. Galactic, divine, and relational --- changes for the sun, for the highly worshiped, and for my future as I trudge through the depths of a failed relationship. I can't say much about the sun, other than how happy I am that it's finally smiling on us now, and I can't say much about Jesus, other than that he seemed like a pretty amazing dude, but I can say that these changes in my life mark something that is going to move in the right direction. Being rejected doesn't really do wonders for ones' self esteem or anything of that nature, but I'm determined to not let it put me down. I've got so many goals in my life, and not having this important person in my life doesn't change those goals, it just means that he won't be part of my success (which is not inevitable by any means, but I'm still crossing my fingers).

There is a very strange array of songs that are comforting me now. One sent to me by an old friend, another I found today from a band I already love, and one that I am almost embarrassed to mention (but I seriously love).

Anyway, I saw this coming, so I guess I shouldn't be as surprised as I am.

On another note, I am totally stuck in the Labyrinth level in God of War 3, and it's driving me nuts. Friggen harpies and spikey thingies and baddies. I think it is going to be the fuel for my public speaking speech tonight.

There is certainly something about this rain recently.

Something about it that feels right.

It's saying, "hope is coming."

I can't wait for the sun :).

Waiting away

It has been a while since I wrote last, and a lot has happened!!

First and foremost I had the utmost pleasure of attending the 2010 Game Developers Conference in San Francisco. I had an absolute BLAST. I loved meeting new people, exploring the city, learning about the new buzz going on in the industry -- it was all fantastic. There were a lot of highlights and it is difficult to name them so I'll condense them into this small, detail-less list: I "escaped" from Alcatraz on the Wednesday before the conference, played awesome games at Gamma4, hollered at the IGF, took notes furiously during tons of kickass sessions, and stared in awe at the mysterious "Phaedrus" (pictured below) during his truly inspiring talk.

It was great to see some old friends there and even more fun to root one of them on during the Game Design Challenge on Friday.

I met a lot of wonderful people and had the pleasure of chatting with several reps from various Boston based studios. I sent in my applications for them last Thursday, and I am excitedly/totally impatiently waiting for their response (which is incredibly difficult). It is my goal to spend my summer back home (for the first time since being in college) before I never again have summer vacations. The silence I'm receiving since sending my resume is taking a toll on my confidence, but I'm doing my best to keep my head up without getting my hopes there too.

My final year of college is approaching, and I've made some big decisions that are going to shape how it pans out. I've got a badass capstone project team for the year, and I'm confident that we'll come together to create something awesome. I've decided to take Japanese as an elective and dive back into the pain and joy of learning a new language. I'm going to try to get my science requirement out of the way during the summer so I can take 4 classes a semester instead of 5 to focus more time on my capstone project and whatever else is thrown my way.

I've been listening to some pretty kickass music, some of it from movie composers that pop up during my countless hours of Top Gear watching, and some of it from various artists that I listen to while dancing around my apartment, itching to get myself back into the studio.

Life has been crazy good, as always, and likewise I keep on smilin'.

Projects Project Projects, FUN!

I am listening to this album, and like the tone of this last week -- exciting, heartbreaking, hopeful and dejected -- it's bringing me all around. All of the negativity that has built up this last week is being channeled into making next week one of the best weeks of the year.

Game Developer's Conference 2010, here I come!

The UN Project, Fit Brains work, Production II project and GDC prep has kept my mind very busy and sleepy, but I welcome it greatly.

I'm listening to The Fountain soundtrack, and I have a feeling I'll be up late tonight.

Authorness

I don't have much time to write -- life is throwing so many wonderful challenges at me recently, and it's not easy to tackle them all and keep all of my sanity (I have most of it... just not all of it).

Over the last month the Firehouse Gallery in Burlington, Vermont has been hosting a wonderful Game (Life) exhibit featuring some of the brightest and most innovative minds in the indie game development scene -- four of which came to speak at Champlain College. Each and every one of the speakers was inspiring for me in some way, and as I move into my final year -- the capstone of my education -- I know that I am ready for this. Hearing them speak about their experiences only solidified that for me, and I'm itching to get out there. I am so excited to do it.

A theme that I found throughout some of the talks was this idea of "authorness". What seems to separate movies from video games (among other things) is the idea of a "director", a sole author who controls every aspect of the vision of a piece. On a game development team, the final product ends up becoming a hodge-podge of ideas from multiple people all coalesced into a particular experience. One speaker, Jason Rohrer, emphasized this idea of a director and gave us his insight into how it is potentially detrimental to our industry to not have one.
Similarly, Jonathan Blow discussed this idea of authorness in a different context. He explained a philosophical approach to game design that focuses on discovering a system instead of authoring and shaping it to fit into a particular vision. He said that "in discovery there is nothing that kills your authorness. You are still the captain of that idea," and this concept really resonated with me. Instead of intimately creating a system to tailor and tinker into perfection, we should create the rules and see what happens; sometimes the system will give us something brilliant if we take the time to appreciate its simplicity and listen to what it's telling us. Perhaps instead of being a movie director we should be like a professor in a classroom -- put an idea out there and listen to what that idea develops into.

Heather Kelley gave me a lot of hope for my path in life. One of the greatest things I have admired about Heather is the fearless way she treks into interesting and unique game endeavors. For the Game (Life) exhibit she gave us a deeper look into the history and practices of Gamma, and the possibilities for my future exploded in my head. Her and the Kokoromi Collective have proven to me that the games industry and the culture surrounding it is expanding in so many exciting directions, and the possibility for innovation is astronomical. Again -- so excited.

There are a lot of things I could say about Randy Smith's talk (so interesting, so quick, so engaging), but the major thing I found myself taking away from it is how kickass my Champlain College education has been. I felt in awe learning about how he and his previous colleagues were some of the pioneers about how we think about game design today. He described a lot of terms that are a part of the common language we use with one another in and outside of the classroom, and he helped further my feeling of preparedness -- and hearing about his part in academic-izing game design was star-striking. Games are art, goddamnit, and I'm ready to prove that to people one of these days. I promise that I'll do whatever I can to get them to that point.

But now I feel sort of at a loss. I feel so ready to get out there and start creating games, but I don't know where I want to go. I feel incredibly lucky to have been awarded the GDC Scholarship by Champlain this year because I think it will give me an opportunity to figure this out. I cross my fingers that I can figure this all out, but if I don't, I think no matter what happens I'll have an exciting journey ahead of me.


--

On a different note, I saw one of the most amazing sights I have seen in a long long time. The sky was mostly a bright white blanket of clouds, yet clouds closer to the lake were opened up enough to see the oranges and pinks of a sunset. There was an enormous flock of crows that was coming from the north and heading into the south, and as the snow fell slowly I couldn't help but stop where I was walking -- right in the middle of a step -- to stop and watch them fly over me. I stood there for over 2 minutes watching the crows come from a white nothingness on my right and disappear into a white nothingness on my left. It looked like a scene from a painting. It was beautiful, yet ominous, and I couldn't stop watching. I waited until there were only a couple crows left, and I headed inside. I had a wonderful conversation with an old Professor of mine, and the rest of my evening was uplifting.

I wish I had a picture of it all.

Winding Down and Gearing Up

You know those nights when sleep calls to you, but the music you're listening to yells louder and you can't get yourself to take your headphones off?

Tonight is one of those nights.

On a side note, my production group kicks major buttocks, and we are going to make a kickass game. I can't wait. I'll post updates on our production process throughout the semester, so stay tuned!

No Better Start

This semester is going to kick SO MUCH ASS.

I had such a great start to my semester, and I couldn't be happier about it. I'm so happy to be back on campus, to see the people that I love so dearly again, and to just smile to the sky and let the snowflakes fall on my eyes in this paradise.

DJ Tiesto's album Elements of Life is keeping me awake tonight. It's almost 1:30 in the morning -- the latest I've stayed up in a very long time -- and despite my busy day on campus, I can't seem to let the sleep come. I think it's because I secretly don't want it to =].

The three classes I had today have shown that they will present me with some interesting challenges this next semester, and I cannot wait.

Bring on tomorrow!

2010 -- Starting Again

It's been a long while since I've written last. A lot of things have happened, mostly good, some bad, yet I'm coming into this next semester with a struggled serenity that I'm desperately clinging to with a smile. This break has given me little reflection time, but the amount of it that I have done has been far greater than any amount I did before this hectic time of rest.

I'm coming into this semester with new challenges -- small ones compared the grand scheme of things -- and I feel ready to tackle them all. A door to a relationship that was once my world has been slammed shut and locked, and I know that the only thing I can do is move on with my life. The old skeletons must lay where they lay, closed away in a dark corner, hopefully to one day lose their stink and become preserved in the decay of their memories. I hope to never hear their bones crack and groan again now that they've given their final shout before locking themselves away. Rest in peace, dear bones, for I hope you one day forget about me even though I won't forget about you.

It is now the morning of a day that will amount to many hours of introductions, little amounts of food, and squinted, sleepy eyes. This new place where I live, while it has many wonderful qualities, leaves me tossing and turning in the morning hours from the sound of buses below where I sleep. Today I say goodbye to a loved one, who is leaving this place for something greater, and I send him away with my love and luck.

Cheers to the start of a new year.