Allright, Allright. I feel as though I need to explain myself here a little bit.

I haven't updated in so long because things have gotten pretty hectic around here. I do love to be busy, but it has made me at a loss for words for the most part. The only things going on with me lately are work work and work. So that's what I'm gonna write about =].

I'm sitting next to another computer right now that is rendering out my final project for my Intro to Maya class. I am incredibly excited about this. All of my hard work is almost complete, and I hope that it turns out like I envision (although I hear they never do). I'm going to stay positive though.

Things have drastically changed with the UN project. A friend of Heather Kelley's named Steffen Walz, who is a super genius in practically all things games (especially mobile ones!) came to visit us for a week. He was incredibly helpful and an all around fun guy to be around. We had an all day workshop that really opened our eyes and has now sent us in a totally new direction. Overall I'm pleased with our new direction and hope that this is it. This is the concept that will reach the young boys of the world. Phew.

I can't say much about the IBM project right now other than that it's crunch time and we're really getting into fifth gear now.

Finals were kicking my butt a few days ago, but now that I've got these renders almost finished, I can finish all of the other work I've got going on, including my very first game prototype!

Our Winter Break from school is approaching quickly, and I am beyond estatic. Time to relax and finally play some video games. I'm hoping my budget allows for the purchase of Left 4 Dead, Mirror's Edge, Prince of Persia, and maybe even a few Wii titles like World of Goo. Otherwise, it's time for some Action Script 3!

Team Sleep and the Trance station on Pandora have had most of my musical attention recently. I'm looking forward to listening to all of the rest of the new music I missed throughout the semester during break.

The Greatest Solution

Maya got your undies in a bundle? Corrupting your files? Ruining your beautifully unwrapped UVs? Making you want to punch out your perfectly innocent monitor or display?

Well I've got your solution!

Loud music + empty apartment + chocolate =

unbundled undies.

Back to Normal

I live!

MIGS was truly something else (see pictures below). I stepped out of my comfort zone and met game developers from all walks of life. It was hard to keep the fan-girl inside of me from totally going beserk as I shook the hands of people whom I hope to work with (or for) someday.

The sessions I went to are invaluable to me. I feel as though each one gave me a new perspective, and they each sparked my creativity. I got very inspired and started creating some interface artwork for my personal project which I hope to really get underway once Christmas exodus comes. Thanksgiving break is underway, yet I do not feel any such "break". It's merely a transfer of location, one with turkey and mashed potatoes and loving parents, to do more work.

But I'm happy about it all.

I want to say a huge thank you to Warren Spector for opening MIGS with an inspirational speech about the future of game design (and how students like me will shape it some day). I have tons of notes on all of the talks I went to last week, but I don't want to bore you with silly words : ) . My trip to MIGS went as follows:

There was lots of this (dancing)

and this (more dancing)

And this (Rafi's hair).

After lots of exploring...



And panel-attending(which of course was the main event)...


--where is Jason?!--

We wrapped up the final night of MIGS with some awesome stereoscopic fun at Gamma3D.


None of us really wanted the trip to end, and despite the fact that we were exhausted, underfed, and over stimulated, MIGS was nothing short of kickass.

I'm starting my own adventures into prototyping, first getting over the hurdle of being somewhat artistically inept and unknowledgeable about any programming languages. Wish me luck!

I'm back to the normal day-to-day with a new perspective on my future and where I hope to be in the next five years.

Cheers

This week has been pretty hectic already, and with time it shall get worse. I have a moment to breathe, and therefore a moment to post.

MIGS is next week, and with it's arrival comes my first public speaking opportunity. Alongside Wes Knee, Brian George and Ann DeMarle, I will be talking about the UN project, serious games, and the Emergent Media Center. To say the least, I'm excited. I look forward to all of the interesting speakers.

We had our first All EMC meeting yesterday, and it was a blast to see the other projects. You never really realize how huge the EMC is until you have almost everyone who works there in the same room. The UN team did not have much to show, but we talked about our process and gave a brief description of our concept. It was fun.

After our EMC meeting, we had a quick IBM project meeting. We're really starting to get the ball rolling with that, although we all are a bit unclear as to our roles on the team and to what our client wants. We're hoping these questions will be answered on Thursday!

I'm starting my first 3D animation endeavor, and I'm looking forward to how that turns out. I am hoping I can scrape up enough time to make it kick butt. Studying animation is so interesting to me. The whole idea of understanding the way things move, down to minute details, is incredible. (The short animation before Wall-E, and the whole Wall-E movie in general, amazed me. P.S. Wall-E comes out on DVD today).

Mirror's Edge comes out today (? I think?), so I'm heading downtown to pick that up, even though I probably won't play it until the summer. Thanksgiving will be filled with school work, and Christmas break is devoted towards working on my own project. Any ideas for a game engine with reliable physics are greatly apprciated. Did I mention it should be cheap, too?

I started playing Animal Crossing: Wild World on my DS every night for about five minutes before bed. I find it is the only thing that can clear my mind. Sadly enough, its gameplay doesn't hook me enough to keep me up, but I appreciate that. I think once I learn all of the things that I can do in the game, I will get addicted. For now I just pick apples and sell them to Tom Nook. Wipee.

I planned on this being short, but, alas, it is not.
Another year down for me and Serge, today. Cheers to love!

Anticipation

In my last post I mentioned how I don't want to talk about politics here, but today is a special occasion. It is finally official. I've done my part now, I've got my sticker, and all I can do now is wait (and cross my fingers and hope and pray and all that jazz). It was an exhilarating experience to finally utilize my rights as a citizen. I have never been able to vote in an election before today, and it excites me that more and more of my generation are becoming of age to vote.

I feel really great right now. I'm excited about this election. I think that no matter what happens, it will be huge. Perhaps my perceptions are skewed, but I feel like this election pits the world against America. This election may determine if I stay in the country in the future, and I really don't want to be disappointed again.

For now I wait, and I don't mind waiting for this.

Remember, remember the MONTH of November

November is upon us, and this month marks a lot of exciting things, to say the least. For one, the election is on TUESDAY, and it is the first time that I can vote for a President. Unfortunately, Tuesdays are my busiest days, and Burlington tends to have very long lines at the polls. I'm hoping I can squeeze it in between classes. I am very anxious to see the result of this year's election. The world is counting on us; I cannot describe the look in the eyes of the many South Africans I spoke to when they asked me about Obama. I hate to get political in a blog post, but the world needs this President.

MIGS is coming up! Three days of video game glory -- my first big gaming convention. I can't wait to meet new people and get a real taste of the Montreal game development scene. Gamma 3D looks like a ton of fun. Congrats to the winners! I cannot wait to play your games on the 19th. (Thank you Heather for all of your hard work with Gamma and with us!) We're taking a tour of the Montreal Champlain campus, and that may be one of the deciding factors on whether or not I go to next year.

We have another UN deliverable coming up in a few weeks, and I think Lauren and I have this down pretty well. I could not have asked for a better partner, and I am so thankful. We're currently awaiting feedback from the EMC and from the UN on our document. Huge thanks to Nick, Alex and Bill for helping pull this thing together and practically reading our minds. The first step is over, and now it is time to move forward. I feel pretty confident about or design thus far, but I need to keep my critical eye open. I look forward to seeing and impacting where this goes.

Thanksgiving break is late this year, but it spaces out my vacation time quite nicely. I cannot wait to leave work behind and spend some time with my family. I finally got to talk to my father for more than five minutes this weekend, and we had a great conversation about the CIMIT conference and the future. Talking to my parents makes me miss them a lot, and well, I really don't know where I would be without them. I know I certainly wouldn't be here.

A good friend recently introduced me to a ton of new music (thank you Pete!!), ranging from Muse to Abandoned Pools, Flobots to Explosions in the Sky. The Crystal Method and RJD2 are next on the list, followed by a bit of Daft Punk. I fell in love with it all, and I'm taking my time going through it. It is the kind of music that makes me feel alive. Writing out these words makes me feel a hundred times more sympathetic towards Beethoven, but that is a side note. When music does this to me, I know that it is a passion.

November brings with it another year for us. Cheers to love!

"This is all we have, and all we have is everything. There are so many stars."
-Lethal Killers by Abandoned Pools

CIMIT, Second Life, and Snow

My trip to Boston for the CIMIT Innovation Congress was AWESOME! I had a really great time. We arrived at our hotel, right near Copley Square, rather late at night, only to discover how early our next morning was going to be. Alison and I shared a beautiful hotel room with an amazing view of the nighttime Boston glow. We woke up a few short hours later and the city looked just as it did when we arrived. 5am is so damn early, but we were all energetic and ready to start the day.

For all of my time spent in Boston, I have never been to or even noticed the Back Bay Events Center. What a gorgeous place! Far within the deep corners of the Events Center was our section called Power of Virtual Experience. There were other representatives demoing video games for health, and the congress as a whole put video games in a new light for me. I was demoing Maxis' Spore at the congress, and had a hard time finding a direct link to health and medicine like the other demos of Brain Voyage and Trauma Center had until I had one conference-goer bring some really interesting ideas to light. There was one woman in particular named Deborah D. Navedo who asked me questions about what sorts of physiological responses would come from a game like Spore. I had never thought of how our bodies react to more casual games; I always focused on how high stress games affect our physical responses. This got my mind walking down so many new paths that I look forward to exploring. I'm hoping to further experiment with sensory experiences in video games later on. I had a great time meeting new people and explaining the value of video games to their professional fields. I hope they learned as much from me as I did from them.

After the conclusion of the CIMIT congress, Kent Quirk from Linden Labs invited us to his Boston office for a tour and an interesting discussion about the game industry and Linden Labs' very own Second Life. Kent has a lot of faith in students, and his belief in us, like Ann's, brings up my morale and encourages me to continue forward in this field. Looking at his company space in Boston and talking about the industry in this particular city revamped by ideas about working in the Boston area upon graduation. I truly cannot wait.

The ride home was a fun time. Giggly from lack of sleep, we chatted all the way home, coming up with grand ideas of gypsie life and laughing at our own creativity. It started to snow somewhat heavily while reaching the middle of Vermont. There was a slight dusting on the ground, too, but Burlington shows no sign of snow. If the weather continues like this I do believe we will have a white Halloween this year.

Oh, wow. I don't even have my costume ready.

A Recap

I haven't posted in a while, mostly due to the fact that Serge was here for the past week and any ounce of free time I had was mostly spent with him.

The EMC Open House was wonderful. There were a lot of uplifting conversations and speeches, and I had a great time mingling and meeting new people. It amazes me how the EMC started just two years ago with a single work study. It has grown immensely since then.

I have almost completed my first texture endeavor with my most recent Maya project that is due tomorrow, and I just might post a few renders soon.

I've got a UN project deliverable on Wednesday, and I'm leaving Tuesday night for the CIMIT conference!

More and more craziness.

Craziness!

There are so many exciting things happening that it is difficult to keep track of them all.

The UN project concept is really becoming fleshed out. Lauren and I, after much consultation with faculty and friends, have figured out a way that these pieces finally fit together nicely. There was recently a Game Politics article about the project, and of course its comments included only criticisms. I had to fight the urge to not post my own reply. It can be frustrating to read sometimes, but it is completely understandable.

I recently got business cards for the EMC Open House this coming Tuesday. A lot of the excitement for this wonderful event comes from the fact that Serge will be there with me, and I can show him what I'm doing. The EMC does such amazing things for us students, and they work so hard for us. I'm incredibly thankful to be a part of what is going on there. Big game companies are going to be at this open house, and I have no words to express how excited I am. EA,

School work and projects and such seem to have taken a slight hiatus this past week, but I can feel it all coming back for next. The CIMIT conference is coming up, and we had our first meeting for that. I am so excited to be a part of that trip. We get to present games for health to medical professionals (and I mean BIG medical pros) in Boston. I'm really happy to be picked for that.

Women in Technology Club has its first speaker on Monday! We welcome Sam Hyde to talk to us about her doctorate in Cellular Crystallography. I look forward to that, and to hearing whether or not our proposal to become an official club went through.

MIGS IS SOON! And I'm going. And one of my professors is penalizing me for missing her class -_-. I think it will be well worth it.

I got Dead Space yesterday. Oh. My.

Harry Potter is coming to life. Thanks to Cory Livingston for showing me this article and making my heart leap. 5 years is nothing!

The day after tomorrow brings the start of absolute bliss.

It's In The Air

Just a few moments ago I walked through my door after a wonderfully quick walk home from Spinner Place. There is something about the late night/early hours of the night that make the stars shine just a bit brighter and the cool air become that much more bearable. I walked back with friends, and the conversation and excitement of adventure shook away my sleepiness. In my opinion, Loose Fit Friday (aka Fancy Friday but with pajamas and breakfast food for dinner) was a great success, and I look forward to the future Fridays to come. More and more I feel as though this is a place I want to be in.

Things with the UN project are up in the air. Amanda Crispel graciously offered to meet with Lauren and me about our concept, and she was an excellent critic. She pointed out some incredible and overbearing flaws with our design, and I am thankful to have our concept torn apart early on in the process. Lauren and I are back at the drawing board now, and our most recent meeting with Heather Kelley tells us we're running out of time. In just TWO WEEKS we have a conceptual deliverable, so we've got to get going on the conceptualizing once again. Lauren went away for the weekend, so we're brainstorming in the "divide and conquer" method. Amanda offered some excellent ideas and directions, and I'm trying not to get too locked into them. There are so many restrictions on this design, so it is difficult to find a way to fit all of the pieces together. Right when I thought we had the puzzle pieces together nicely, I've only come to be shown that we crammed the wrong ones together, and the picture on the pieces isn't quite what we need.

I'll be finalizing the Women in Technology Club proposal and budget plan for the year, as well as writing my Player Driven Game Design environment document and presentation for next week.
With all the work piling up, counting down the days until Serge arrives is the light at the end of the tunnel. 9 days left!

Musical Late Nights

I've found the ultimate trick to rejuvenating my mind and my morale: listen to crazy epic classical movie soundtrack/game music and then Can't Take It In by Imogen Heap. She reminds me of how beautiful everything in this world is. "It couldn't be anymore beautiful," as she would say. Harry Gregson-Williams and Winifred Phillips are two of my favorites as far as crazy epic music goes.

Our concept for UN is really moving forward now. There are a few bumps in the road, but we're working it all out. There's been some word of a wonderful new artist on the team, and my excitement grows tenfold with every meeting we have.

In a previous post I talked about how rare it is that I get the chills. On Monday I realized a potential reason for why that is. In class we watched Eroica, the BBC film about Beethoven's creation of his third symphony, and by the end of it I was convinced that I either a) had a cold or b) love this symphony because on at least 12 occasions I got goosebumps. It made me fall back in love with classical music again. When I was about 7 my uncle Randy got me a kids cd that was a bunch of great classical composers. I wish I remembered the name of it.

I'm hopped up on caffeine and it's almost 1am. I had to make some sacrifices in order to survive a three hour lecture on UV mapping and texturing. Probably one of the only doozies in my life that I am more than willing to endure.

Somehow 1am turned into 3am. Staying up was worth it, though.

Imagine There's No Country

I've never really understood how apathy works -- how a person can look into the eyes of another, see their emotions and their troubled thoughts, and feel nothing. My awareness of the world recently has brought me to a point where I can no longer forget about those emotions and troubled thoughts. I haven't been at the point where I can no longer care about others' feelings, and I think the awareness of it is tearing me apart at times. I take too many risks now, try to open others up, because I am an open book and I sometimes expect others to be too. It's unfair of me.

Sigur Ros is playing and taking me through the motions, and tonight it brings only detriment. This band reminds me of spending time with Serge, and with so many things on my plate, I cannot think about what is to come. He's a Night Stalker now with a red beret, and that means serious business. We thought he'd be here in a week, but the Army always has other plans. Fear has slowly been replacing pride, and I am so very proud of him. But I just can't think of what is to come.

Aminata Toure was here a few days ago, and everything Ann told us about her was right. Her prescence is powerful, and her intelligence radiates throughout the room. I'll never forget when she told us that she was from Senegal, but corrected herself saying, "But in the UN we have no nationality." To me, right now, that sounds like heaven.

Quick Updates

Tonight the two UN designer teams met and discussed our concepts for the future of the project. This was an exciting meeting, and the puzzle that is this project is finally starting to get solved. Both teams now have some direction, and things are really looking great.

I finally finished my first full Maya model and will be handing it in on Tuesday for grading. EEP!

I haven't played Warhammer Online since the weekend I got it, and I miss it. So many great games are coming out Q4, and I wish I had the time for them. So. Many. Great. Games.

Aminata from the United Nations is coming on TUESDAY! (My busiest day by far). I hope I have time for some meet n greet.

I had a kickass weekend at Fancy Friday, and I'm looking forward to the future times I'll share with some new friends : )

Friendships and Communcation

I haven't been around much lately, yet I have been everywhere at the same time. The weeks slowly peel away, and when I look back on this school year so far, I wonder, "It's only September?"

Being a Peer Advisor has been taking up quite a bit of my time recently, and I certainly don't mind. This past week I came home late and had little motivation for school work because of all of the meetings, but I'm pulling through. I have my first big exam in an hour or so, and I'm definitely nervous. Those "open note open book" ones are always deceivingly difficult.

My scattered mind is mapping itself out clearly in this entry because I can't quite get a grip on what to write. Things with Serge are better than ever before, and I know I always write this, but recently things have just been so incredible. There was a short period where we didn't communicate well, and he pointed it out to me. He said, "I feel like we're drifting a part a little bit." I felt it too, but I knew why it was. I told him, "I can't tell you everything that is going on with me because you're having such a hard time right now," and he understood that. And just that moment of clarity, where we came to terms with our situation, has allowed us to move forward. This lesson has been repeated for me in the last few days. The whole idea that people just have to talk to each other because it can sometimes can change a lot, even without changing anything at all. As much as I'd like to sometimes, I cannot read other peoples' minds. I cannot expect myself to, or be expected to.
So lets just talk to each other, then.

This conversation about communication reminds me of how strange it is that people easily forget the past. It is strange how I can look at someone who's friendship with me has faded and feel that sense of awkwardness. Why did I talk to them about certain things before, and not now? Why did things change? Why can we pick up where we left of with some people and not with others? I want so badly to go up to those people who seem to have come out of my life for a while and tell them how much I love them. I want to hug them and tell them how often I think of them. I want to tell them how much I appreciate them in my life.

With time I think I'll get that chance, as long as I can find the guts to so do, and trust that they could be thinking the same things as I am.

Getting the Chills

Yesterday night was perhaps one of the most beautiful Burlington nights yet. The wind was soft, and the air was cool, and it had this very autumn feel to it. I had my headphones blaring a song that just seemed to fit the theme of the day, but not because of its lyrical content. The song is called Way Out Of Here by Porcupine Tree, and it holds a lot of memories for me. On my trip back to school this past summer, my father and I had it blasting in the car, and as the buildup came to a conclusion, my heart was pounding. I said, "That gave me the chills," and my father replied simply with, "Me too." I looked over at his arm slightly resting on the steering wheel to see little goosebumps covering it. My arm, too, had little goosebumps, and I felt like we had a moment of complete understanding. We were riding on the same wavelength, and we both allowed a beautiful p

I bring up this moment because it is a rarity for me, and in class yesterday one of my Game Design professors talked about the sensation of getting the chills. He explained why it happens and how it happens sometimes for people when they play video games. This idea he brought up - the intensity of video games giving people the chills - was novel to me. I have never experienced something like that before. The only other time I can remember getting the chills from a non-somatosensory experience was a time when I listened to classical music. I almost felt left out as he explained his "chills" moments and made it seem like most gamers in the room have had that experience too. Not me, though, and I wonder why that is.

My late night outing derived from the start of the Women In Technology Club which I am organizing and facilitating at Champlain College with a few others. It went incredibly well, and seemed to be the perfect ending to an all around emotionally pleasing day. I shook away the thoughts of goosebump moments and focused on how to create an interesting space where communication and relationships can build in the Champlain community. On my walk home, though, I couldn't help but long for another moment of awe-strucken beauty.

Roller Coasters Called Design

I'm starting to find that game design is an emotional roller coaster -- as if the one I'm already on isn't thrilling enough. I managed to become heartbroken today when my design wasn't picked in class by my professor. I became determined at the thought of working with an incredible group, and excited about discussing our plans for moving forward with the concept. We have high hopes for the completion of our design document and the prototype, and I'm hoping that we manage to pull this through.

My professor explained why my design wasn't picked, and it was because I didn't explain how this concept could come to fruition. In other words, all I needed to write in the proposal was "This can be created in Game Maker." I'm pretty angry at myself for that, but it gives me the opportunity to work under the lead of my best friend and save this concept for personal work. I'm excited about this idea, and the scope of it is definitely within my grasp.

Bouncing ideas off others is perhaps one of the greatest and most exciting things to do. My brain ticks away, and the flood gates open for my creative flow, and that immediate feedback is exactly what I need. I live for it.

Super Powers with Little Power

The notes from my trip are finally digitized. I did that this weekend, and since then I haven't gotten South Africa off my brain. My sense of empathy has been heightened, and I'm not quite sure I can switch it off. I get wrapped up in the plight and problems of others, and all I want to do is make it go away for them. I can't stop thinking about all of those people in South Africa.

Many times people have asked me what super power I would want, and I've decided what I wanted: I want to be able to take away people's pain -- physical and mental. Those who are sick can die in peace, those who are mentally ill can feel no frustration. It just seems like some pain in this world is only meant to remind us of our mortality. Misery, to an extent, is deadly -- therefore in my mind, it is unnecessary. As humans, we need that sense of misery sometimes, but there are so many people in this world who are suffering for no reason, and I want to take that away.

Serge has a lot of pain in his life now -- physical and mental, and I wish he didn't. It's hard for me to say to him, "well, you signed up for this," while still telling him that everything will be OK. I wonder if I can re-write my DNA with some Eve and figure out how to shoot beams of pain relieving happiness or something; anyone know some guy named Andrew Ryan?

Anyway, we had a UN project meeting today, and the transcription begins! From the sounds of it, it will be hell, but I'm ready for it. I don't really have the time, but I'll make it. We got so much information from the townships we visited, and I feel like the world needs to know about it. I feel like the world needs to know about the huge social problems going on in South Africa right now so that maybe the citizens will stop ignoring their problems and finally realize that they are in control of their own destinies. I want them to stop and think, "oh, hey, maybe I should wear a condom." Or maybe, "Oh, hey, maybe I shouldn't hit my wife or rape this child." And I wish so much for the US to do the same; perhaps we could stop relying on our huge ego and realize that we've got some damn big problems in this country too.

I wish I believed in some higher power, cause sometimes I feel like the only hope is beyond us --


even though it's not. The hope is here.

The First Push

This is the weekend of experimentation... with dev programs of course. I've put together a team of three individuals, myself included, that are working towards the A La Mod competition this February. Bryan Hare (programmer) and Chris Coccaro (designer) have agreed to work with me, and I couldn't be happier. This weekend we'll be dabbling in every mod/dev program we can come up with, including Hammer, Multimedia Fusion 2, Unreal 3, and more. There are several concepts already in motion, and I'll try to get some concept art posted soon. The start of the school year brings with it much chaos.

In other words, I'm really freakin' busy. Luckily, we've got until February for A La Mod.

The UN project has had a bit of a break from me this week, but that will change this afternoon. I'm going to start digitizing the notes from the trip, and we have a compilation meeting this Monday to debrief and start with the next steps. We have until Nov 14 to bang out a finalized concept design doc -- I'm terrified and excited at the same time. We can do this.

Readjusting

It is strange to be back. The excitement of everyone else arriving back at school kept me awake for the day, although just barely. The flight and my arrival is all a blur now.

The trip isn't, though. While I seem to have lost my sense of time on the trip (because I cannot remember when exactly I did certain things), I remember every bit of it. I'll be posting pictures as soon as I get them from the location I backed them up on.

It feels strange to be back, and I'm worried about what this strange feeling might mean. Professor Meg Frenzen opened her arms to us on our way back to Burlington by offering her support as we try to transition back to our American lifestyles. She explained that it may be hard to be back in the states, living our privileged lives and taking most of it for granted. It is only when I sit down in my room, away from the company of others, that I feel it; it's almost a sense of disgust, but it is mixed heavily with guilt. It's too easy for me to sit down at a computer and get on the internet. It is too easy for me to walk down the street and not fear for my life.

I am so thankful for that easiness, though, and I'm more thankful now than ever. As I've written before, this trip has made me much more globally aware. I hope that some day in my life I will find the guts to move somewhere else in the world and live a different lifestyle, yet I fear that I love the internet way too much. It is the sad truth that it is hard to comprehend living in a world without such a large video game culture. Given just a taste of it made me homesick. I really hope I can find the guts one day....

Moved Once Again

I cannot possibly describe the experience I had today, but I will do my best. It was similar to yesterday, when we got to chat for a while with some older teenagers. Today, though, I got the incredible chance to sit down and talk to three girls ages 17 and 18 for TWO WHOLE HOURS at a township school in Phillipi. I asked them about everything: their relationships, their families, race, sex, drugs, violence. I didn't hold back, and neither did they. They opened up their lives to me, and I felt so welcomed once again. It was so hard for me to look into their eyes and listen to their stories knowing that each day they risk their lives by walking on the street. At one point during the interview, I told them how moving it was for me to talk to them and listen to the gang and gender violence they endure. I almost started to cry when I told them, and they responded with happy words: "We are so happy you told us that." For their privacy, I cannot disclose any more specifics of my interviews with them, but just know that there is no way we can possibly conceive what they go through every day. Take my word for it.

I am excited about going back to this township tomorrow, and I hope that it warms (and breaks) my heart just as much. This trip has made me more globally aware than I have ever been, and the creative flow is flooding with ideas. I have so much hope; lets make this worth it.

If you would like to check out more information, please read the UN project blog: Games Take On Violence Against Women. This same post is on there, but there are many more posts that include some amazing pictures.

Live from Cape Town

At this very moment I am watching and listening to Raymond deVilliers from Wisdom Games in Cape Town, South Africa. For the last few hours, information has poured from his brain into my own as I scrambled to translate sounds into words and into coherent thoughts on paper. After 24 hours of travel, a meager 8 hours of sleep still hasn't curbed the foggy haze in my brain, and despite spending a few nights here, I'm not quite sure my body has acclimated yet. Every experience I have had since arriving is hard for me to translate into words. Our very first moment we visited a township called Langa and were all blown away by its impact on us. We took in its pottery, dance, language, poverty, children and architecture; its community, interactions, and open arms. At a "less conservative church" (according to our tour guide), we watched the churchgoers dance and sing, shout and pray aloud. I will never forget the woman at that church who knelt on the ground and cried her eyes out as she prayed aloud to God. Hugs followed this long moment of loud prayers, and we all felt like we were welcome here. It was the best way to start our trip. 

We have done much more since then, but it is impossible for me to write all about it at this time. I have so many pictures that will be online at some point, and I'll be sure to share and explain each one. By the end of this trip, I know that I will have changed in some way. 

Nighttime Space Alien of McDonald Hall

Tonight I fell in love -- once again with the wind, once again with the sky, and finally, for the very first time, with Coldplay's new album titled "Viva La Vida and Death and All His Friends". It's been out for a while now, and I've had this album in my possession for some time too, but I haven't really given it much of a chance until tonight. The conditions were perfect: ass-freezing cold and lightly windy. The sky was cloudy, which is not generally considered good conditions for star gazing, but tonight I appreciated it. Every now and then the clouds would open up and give me a little peek at the stars; at one point I looked up and there was a perfect outline around the big dipper-- one of those images in my head that I'll always associate with the winter childhood moments with my father back in Brattleboro.

Music has this way of grabbing my heart and moving it along with it. When it speeds up, I speed up. When it slows down, I do too. Tonight this album was exactly what I needed. I sang with it, cried with it, tapped to it, and full on danced with it in the back yard of McDonald with my pink breast cancer blanket wrapped around me like a cape. I was wearing 4 layers, huge space alien headphones, and a blanket -- I must have looked nutzo. I'm still wearing all of those things right now.

~*~

The immensity of the UN project came and hit me in the face today. Dr. Lange gave a wonderful lecture on interviewing and the ethnographic process, and all of the peices came together in my head. This trip is more than an experience; it could be everything that this project needs for direction.

~*~

Today proved to me that I've gotten better at hiding the things that are bothering me. Usually my eyes tell the whole world when something is wrong, but today I mastered a technique I like to call the "mind put off". I've gotten pretty good at it over the years, but it was never really 100% solid. It reassures me that I have reached a whole new level of professionalism. When it's time to work, it's time to work, and I can't be getting lost in the messiness of life.

"The sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time"
-Coldplay: Strawberry Swing

The Creative Flow

It comes when I least expect it, at the most inconvenient times, and when I'm barely even awake. The creative flow -- a supernatural fragment of neurons (haha what?) that fire while I'm laying in bed and failing to sleep. I'm generally the type of person who puts my head on the pillow and is zonked out right away, but recently (probably due to the copious amounts of caffeine I have been ingesting recently) I am incapable of turning the brain switch off.

And I am so thankful for that. It is rare when I can come up with a gameplay idea that has the potential to be truly unique. Oop! Right as I'm sitting here I came up with another idea. Last night as I was fighting for sleep, I shot up out of bed and dug around for my notebook again. Once again I will need to carry my Moleskine around. At home the flow is nonexistent, and I have no need for carrying it around with me, but here in Burlington it thrives!

I'm wondering if a game idea can come from this idea of "supernatural neurons," but my mind just brings me to Tim Schafer's Psychonauts. That game should have gone platinum, and it is a shame that it didn't. I wonder what his creative flow is like....

A New Perspective

Yesterday was a beautiful day. As I walked back from the EMC in silence with a friend, I got lost in the subtle noises of the leaves, the cool breeze flowing through my hair, and the warming touch of the sun. I watched a woman grab the hand of a 3 year old as they crossed the bare streets nearby, and I couldn't help but think of that little girl's future. If she was in South Africa, what would her life be like? Would her mother grab her hand as they crossed the street together? Would she struggle to learn to define herself by something other than her race? I cannot know the answers to these questions, unfortunately, and I'm not sure I'll be able to answer them when I come back from the trip. I can only hope that this trip, besides being an incredible experience, will help me become a global citizen.

I've been keeping in close contact with Professor Lange throughout this endeavor. He's an anthropologist and has a lot of experience with ethnography, and I see him as an incredible asset to this project. He's a reminder of the ethical boundaries we could be stepping, and he is wonderful at compiling information and finding the deeper meaning in it all. I'm greatly looking forward to picking his brain later on in the project.

Work work work work. This weekend it's time for play! My childhood friends are in town and we're going to do things old school: sleepless nights and N64.

Small-ness

I want to make games.
I will make games.

Being back at school has helped the creative flow so much. Last night at 3am I turned my light on suddenly and dug through my room for a notebook and a pen to scratch down a design concept that I maybe/possibly could conceivably create. A large part of it may have to be left out because of scope (and my current inability to implement design into something visual... but that will change with time). This idea will motivate me to do the extra mile -- aside from the UN project and school work, which will take many many miles of effort next year.

But the stress is secondary. It's the experience. It's being wrapped up in something that is so beyond -me-. Something that is more than just the singular; it is the plural, the entirety of man.


Staring at the cloudy meteor shower (sounds like that worked out well, right?) reminded me of how small I am, and this feeling has permeated into my brain ever since last night. That's the wonder of space, I suppose. It never fails to remind me of how small we all are, despite how large we can seem.

More than the Singular

I have to keep my eyes on the bigger picture today, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. Work got me down in the dumps today; I was researching about South Africa, like normal, but I came across this documentary on Suicide in South Africa, specifically in a town called Kimberley. I watched a family grieve over the loss of their child; I watched friends cry and cry, explaining how they, too, had attempted suicide and were feeling numb because of anti-depressants. Their best friend had hung herself, and the girl's father told us how he found her, her jump rope around her neck. 10 teenagers attempt suicide a week in this town, and that number makes me choke. I watch these families cry, and I think about Amber. I think about how her mother found her, and about the song they played at her funeral.

South Africa needs more help than I can give it, I'm afraid. I feel lucky to be a part of helping any change at all, but I wonder if it will make much of a difference for these people. They have so much tragedy in their lives.

My research got me in a funk today, and even at 9pm, after the completion of Super Mario Galaxy, I can't quite shake it off. It makes me fall back into that hole in my heart where Serge is missing. It makes me miss him.

I'm hoping that this weekend will be filled with more rain and relaxation. More video games, reading, and empty-headedness.

The Trip is Over

I'm back in Burlington. 2 days of travel is more than enough for me, and I don't know how I'll survive the travel involved with going to Africa.

I woke up after my "nap" at around 9am yesterday and felt a little better about Serge leaving. By 1pm I felt almost 100% better, and by the time I arrived at the airport (5 hours early) the adventure of travel made me feel just fine. On the bus ride back to Burlington, I sat next to a girl who was from Kennebunk, Maine, where Peter lives, and is in the same year as me. She told me she was exhausted from a concert last night. I asked her which one, and she replied, "Coldplay." I cringed. I smiled and said "Oh I'm so jealous!" and she had no idea just how jealous I was. But then I thought to myself, "I'd rather see Serge than go to a concert anyday," and that made me feel a lot better. She was really nice and we had a nice chat on our 5 hour trip up.

I feel pretty exhausted now, but I'm doing OK. I'm feeling a little moody, but I'm holding my mental tongue.

Parting Once More

I'm laying in Oak Grove, Kentucky, just outside of Fort Campbell, in the most comfortable hotel bed by myself. It's almost 5am and Serge left a little over an hour ago. I'm waiting for the day when not seeing him will be almost painless, but I doubt this day will ever come. We spent the last three nights tangled up in each other, drunk with love and passion and kisses. These visits never last long enough.

Each time I see him he says to me, "I wish that we lived together." "I know. Me too," I reply each time. There is nothing I want more than that, in all honesty, and I have juggled with the fantasy of dropping out of school and him coming home to me every night -- even though I know that would never work. I love school too much, and doing nothing with my life would make me miserable. He knows this too, which is why he would never let me do it. There are times, though, where I would do it in a heartbeat. He always reminds me of how lucky I am to be going to college-- something that he wasn't able to do. I am lucky.

Whenever it is that I fall back asleep, I'll be waking up to a long day of travel. I'm to take an hour shuttle to Nashville International Airport where I will proceed to wait around for my flight back to Providence. My dad will luckily pick me up from there, and I'll come back to my house at around 11pm to sleep and wake up at 6am. My bus back to Burlington is at 8am on Tuesday.

I hope this sadness lifts by then. Usually the adventure of traveling alone keeps my mind off things.

I should sleep for my long day.

Am I Dreaming?

My job is amazing. There is nothing else to it. I wake up every morning with motivation and a smile, knowing that I get to go into an environment where the people around me are working towards the same goals. It's incredibly exciting.

We met with Heather Kelley yesterday. She is SO AWESOME. She was very laid back with us, very frank, and polite. She told us that if we ever wanted to come talk to her about, not only our project, but the industry in general, that we are more than welcome to. I guess she is living in Montreal (which she says she loves) and is planning to rent a place here in Burlington, and I'm in awe of her dedication to this project. She has so much experience and knowledge to share with us that she will be an incredible asset to the team. Having a successful woman on the team will be a great motivator for me as well.

All of the reading and staring at computer screens this last week has given my eyes a lot of issues. I'm having headaches (which I am hoping are from staring at the computer and are not from something else). We'll see what happens.

Last night I had an incredible conversation with a few residents of the dorm, and I've made some really awesome friends here. I really enjoy the company of Lauren and her boyfriend, James, and the atmosphere of Burlington seeps its way into my frame of mind. There are few things more beautiful than this.

EMC Orientation

Being back in Burlington has made me realize the different kinds of boredom -- even though I have felt none of them. There is the kind of boredom that acts as just a mask for the true loneliness you feel. There's the kind of boredom where you have nothing to do and feel it, and there is the kind where you have so many things to do but you just can't make a decision.

The UN project orientation was an incredible experience. The information poured into my ears and my thoughts spurred around in my brain. I am excited to get started with my team. So far I have been doing research and stuff of that nature, and I plan to do that for the rest of the week. 5 hours of reading a day (on really depressing topics) is a LOT, though.

Today is a big day. We're meeting the well known game designer Heather Kelley who is working on the project with us. I can't wait! She is huge in the industry, and is apparently working in Montreal and in Burlington, so she'll be accessible for half of the week ^_^.

Back at Home

I'm in Burrrrlington now, and it definitely isn't any colder than Massachusetts. My room is spacious, and my roommate(s) are wonderful. The only complaints that I have about the place are the bugs and the fact that there are hardly any windows. I'm in the basement, so light doesn't really shine in. I'm not unpacked yet, but I will be by the end of tonight.

Being up here again makes me feel so good. I walked around campus, and it felt like I never left. I'm hoping that work starting today will expand my feeling of welcomeness -- although my excitement will only raise ten fold.

I saw The Dark Knight last night and it was absolutely amazing.

More Than a Job

I often find myself starting an entry by explaining what the weather feels like against my skin. Right now, it feels like a slow-moving, cool, muck, unlike the recent hot stuff we've been experiencing as of late. When I woke up at 7am this morning and walked into my living room, I wondered why I cannot find anything else to write about. I plopped next to my dog who then got up and ran away. The beauty of life and expressing it through writing is that there are so many things to write about; I can never decide which one of these things will shine through the rest. Even so, as I write this, I occasionally open a new tab in my browser and look at my usual websites. Have I become indifferent towards the things in my life? Or am I unable to decide which things in my life are more important?

One of the biggest things in my life has happened recently. When I interviewed for the job of my dreams, they asked me why I wanted the position. I remembered the time I finished Kingdom Hearts and how the message of that video game stuck with me for years. I remember the empowerment I felt when I learned about the Civil Rights movement -- watching college kids, just a few years older than me at the time, standing up for something they believed in. When I applied to Champlain, I knew it was something that I wanted to do, but I questioned whether or not it would satisfy me academically. I asked myself, "Do I really want to make video games instead of helping the world?" This job opportunity has allowed me to fulfill all aspects of my life; I can make a video game, and help make some parts of the world a better place. I truly want to become a citizen of the world, not just a citizen of the United States. Globalization is happening, and people thousands of miles away are really going to start impacting those that are nowhere near them.

I told a friend of mine that this was the best thing that has happened to me. She replied with, "No. Serge is." I understood where she was coming from at the time, and in many ways Serge is an incredible part of my life, but he didn't "happen to me". He and I grew with time, and I made an effort, instead of passively allowing it to happen. We happened to each other in a very non-happened-ish kind of way, I suppose. When she said that to me, I hadn't really thought everything through, but I stick by with my response. I told her that she is right, and that getting on the UN project was, instead, the "biggest thing to happen to me."

It's my last day in Sharon, my last day of work, and I'm just taking it all in -- through a stuffy nose, of course.

The Journey Begins

Last night I drove home from work late in the evening, and a thick fog lay over the streets. It was mucky and sticky and uncomfortable, but I kept my windows down and curved down my street for one of the last times -- at least for a while. The rain has finally come, and it's hitting us now; I'm hoping that it continues for the rest of the night.

I got a blister on my hand from too much Rockband, and I'm gearing up for some exciting times. Tomorrow marks a big day, and I utterly cannot wait.

I was really starting to warm up to being home.

Obsession as a Concept

Obsession is such a strange concept. It's a frame of mind where we are fixated upon something, one thing -- one entity and it just completely clouds our vision, our dreams, and our thoughts. I wonder how many lives could have been saved or lost, or how many marriages and relationships and friendships could have been spared.

The word itself is unique. The prefix "ob" means "against", and the latter part of the word is simply "session," suggesting that when one is obsessed, perhaps they are not in a session of fixation, but a long period of time of being utterly engrossed. I'm just theorizing here, taking my own impression of the word.

At first I wrote world instead of word. My own impression of the world.

Irony in a Night's Sleep

I got a terrible night's sleep last night!! I don't know if it was because I was sleeping at home or because Serge wasn't there or if it was because of the futon.

It was probably all of it.

We haven't made a wedding date yet, and we probably won't for a while, but just thinking about it makes me feel really happy. Our families got together for an amazing lunch and we all got along so well. My parents told me that they really support us and that they will be happy with whatever decisions we make. I'm using that positivity and channeling it towards everything else, even though my body really just wants to curl up and do nothing. I've found in the past that it never helps me in the end.

The airport people let us get through to security and stay with Serge before he got on the plane. I only teared up a little bit, and every time I felt like crying I just swallowed it and smiled. He looked really upset the whole time, even more so than I did, and I don't blame him. He's going to do some pretty tough shit. He was less cuddly his whole leave because of his nervousness, and I don't blame him.

I'm at work now waiting for some customers to come in (we have yet to have a single one!), which is the reason behind this long entry and the senseless chatter. My brain is scattered.

A Brighter Departure?

He's so cute when he's sleeping.

He's leaving today. 20 days flew by, which gives me hope for the future. I hope this summer flies by, along with this year. I hope I can be stronger than the other times and not part with him with a teary face. I'm tearing up right now so I doubt that will happen. I just have to stay positive. Last time I dropped him off at the airport I had a chocolate bar with me. It helped.

Back to my old way of summer -- gym, work, books, hopefully friends, family and laughter. Maybe I'll even throw in some time with my new Wii. Ya know, get it all settled and such.

His old futon is now in my room and my old bed is gone. Here's to a better night's sleep.

What is it Good For? Absolutely Nothing!

One would think that Memorial Day, with the wonderful weather and many people's small vacation, would bring joy to my heart. Instead I feel rather sad. Memorial Day is the day set aside to remember those who have died in war. Why would one rejoice on such a day?

I was watching 60 Minutes, and at the end Mickey Rooney gives the world his 2 cents on specific topics. Tonight he talked about his views of Memorial Day; he told us how he has a lot more to remember than most people, for he served in World War II and lost many of his best friends. He said one thing that I think will stick with me forever -- he wishes that Memorial Day was focused around something other than remembering. Instead he wished this day was centered around the creation of "perhaps a new religion" where War was no longer used as a way to solve this world's problems. He wished that instead of us focusing on what he had lost we should focus on those who we could lose, those "teenage boys and girls" who will die in this war now.

I want to make a religion where War is no longer used. It makes so much sense. Why do we even allow it? How can we even think that war is the answer to anything in life?


It makes me feel very alone. I don't know why, it's just how I feel right now.

The Countdowns

I'm observing this madness?
Perhaps just twisted reality
Where the mind is none at all
And the smiles are endless.
I feel a sense of content
Knowing that openness is of no worry
And free hugs are always on the menu.
I can only imagine the sense of time that passes them
And the viscous courage that pumps through them.
I know I cannot feel it, but I can still see it,
And that is enough for me.

There are days where I know that my job has saved me -- it has kept me going in times when I needed others the most, but today it is my curse. I got two hours of sleep last night and have a wonderfully long shift today. I doubt I'll make it to Brookline today because of the inconvenient time and the terrible lack of sleep. I hope they understand. I miss them.

As Dan and I fell asleep in the living room upstairs, a reminder of the time sang us a soft lullaby. We slept on an L shaped couch, our feet almost meeting at the vertex. "I can hear the morning birds, Dan," I said to him just as sleep was taking me. "The morning birds are singing us to sleep," he replied, and minds couldn't bare the consciousness any longer. We fell asleep as the sun was coming up and woke up before most of the world had even climbed out of bed. I drove Danielle's car the hour ride back home and here I am typing away, waiting for the hunger in my belly to subside and for noontime to bring me just a bit closer to sleep.

Serge is on a flight to Florida to visit the home of his good friend in the Army. His friend is 19 and married, and his wife is picking them up from the airport. I want nothing more than to be in her position, picking up Serge and bringing him home. Just two weeks left.

Chris will be here in just a few short days, and Kate will soon accompany him. I CANNOT wait to have them here to laugh, play video games and watch anime. I cannot wait to show them the nooks and crannies of Sharon -- the few gems this town has hidden away.

I'm going to go get the car inspected. My fingers are crossed -- I hope it passes!!

R.I.P. HDD

My 360 Hard Drive is broken. *cries*

I hung out with some old guy friends from high school and I'm so thankful as to how easy it was for me to adore them again. Out of sight, out of mind it seemed this past year. I was just so focused on the present and future that the past seemed to be non existent while I was at college. Now that I'm home, I know that I can never forget. These people are the ones who have shaped who I am today, and I'm thankful to have met again.

I get into phases with music. Hanging out with the guys tonight opened my eyes back up to the rap that I have hardly listened to this past year. A Tribe Called Quest, Danger Mouse and Nujabes are awakening my love for a good rhyme and a captivating beat.

"Sleep is the cousin of death" -- Nujabes feat Cise Starr

Science Rules (Everything)

The day before I left for my trip I had a long discussion with the boys in Play N Trade about time travel. We discussed black holes and dark matter (ZOMG) and all that neat stuff. I told them that scientifically speaking, if we found a way to travel faster than the speed of light, and we traveled out towards the edge of the universe, whenever we stop at that distance, at that physical place in the universe, we can look towards the center of the universe and see the past. We can watch the light that has been traveling outwards go through our eyes. We won't be able to change the past, or even touch it, but we can see it and witness it.

They understood. Eugene explained an incredible theory to me that I think makes perfect sense and is genius. It took me a long time to fully understand it (I just fully understood it right now) so explaining it on here might be too difficult. Eugene explained to me the reason why physical time travel simply could not exist. If we were to travel through time, our physical selves in the present would cease to exist, and we would be pushing our molecules into a space that is already taken up. When we arrive at that time in the past, we would dissipate into nothingness, for the universe will try to maintain an equilibrium. We could see things, but we would go right through them. We may be seen by others for a split second at times, but most of us would be gone. -- Does this sound familiar?!
He explained this as the reason we have ghosts. They're just beings that are stuck in time -- a time where they don't belong so they cannot fully exist.

I told them about how I believed we are eternal. If energy can be neither created nor destroyed, and if energy is what keeps us solid and keeps our atoms moving and sticking together -- keeps us warm and awake and moving -- then this energy must come from somewhere. This energy that we use has always existed, and it will always exist into the future, and the energy that I have gets passed onto you and everyone you know, so my energy is your energy, and we are one.
Think about every time you touched someone and they were cold. You suddenly found yourself feeling a bit colder, your hands turning into ice as you tried to warm their hands up. You were giving them your energy, and that energy you gave them might go into the air, or into their bodies. If it goes into the air, do you breathe it? If it goes into their body, does it keep them alive? Are you helping someone stay alive?

Every single person I have interacted with has become a part of me, for their energy runs through me and mine through them. Remember that person's hand you shook?

Don't ever forget it.

Adventures Kick My Butt

Somehow I made it back alive. The trip was quite the adventure and an incredible experience overall. I arrived in Norfolk, wandering aimlessly through the airport to find out that a taxi will probably cost me about 100 dollars cause of some terrible traffic. I wandered outside and a nice old man asked if he could help me. Apparently he could, and I got a ride from the airport to my hotel 30 minutes away.

I arrive at the hotel only to find out that I didn't book enough nights and that it was going to cost me another hundred dollars O_O. That sucked, but it was only a few hours till I saw Serge, and as long as I had my cell phone and we could be in contact, everything would be okay.

Well, just my luck, my phone broke. In half. Ka-putz.

I was tweaking out. I was sad about my phone because of all of the sentimental value it holds, and I was then communication-less. Serge arrived an hour and a half later than he told me he would be, and to say the least, I was worried as $@*&^$. Luckily I got a hold of my friend Kate from school and she called Serge for me, finally getting a hold of him after I had tried from the front desk a bajillion times.

It was so amazing to see him. I can't really describe it. The strange way a voice so distant in a phone transforms into a complete sensory experience. I could see him, touch him, hear him. Things just get better between us, and each time I see him, I know that we'll be okay.

I met some of his friends, and they're all really great guys. They're hilariously funny and surprisingly intelligent (I know, intelligence shouldn't be a surprise, but all Serge complained about was the stupidity of the people around him....) I had a great time meeting them and just cuddling the entire weekend.

After having the worst flight of my life while connecting in Maryland, I was bawling my eyes out, bending over a trashcan and waiting for the puke to come. I got in line to board my next flight (not even 10 minutes after I got off the terrifyingly horrible flight into Maryland). I noticed a young woman looking at me, and I felt embarrassed with the tears running down my face and the shakes taking over me. I said in some attempts to make excuses for my terrible anxiety, "I'm sorry, I just hate flying." She looked at me very sweetly and said, "are you flying alone?" I nodded and she held out her hand. "I'm Julia. Do you want to fly together?" And I said yes and gave a teary smile as we shook hands. She was so friendly, and I came to realize that she was quite the conversationalist. Her job is to shmooze with old people to get them to donate money for the War College in Rhode Island. It seemed perfect for her.

I'm happy to be home with just three weeks until he's here with me. Chris is coming to visit in a few weeks, and I'm incredibly excited about that.

I start work tomorrow. I'm excited about that too.

I'm Avoiding the Subject

"Lies are just wishes in disguise"

What an interesting way to look at lies.


Erin was here last night, and it was really nice to see her and spend time with her. It was interesting to see how she's changed and how she's stayed the same. I almost felt like I was getting to know the new her, and I love it. I do love meeting new people, afterall. I'm going with her to her school today, and I have a lot of butterflies about it. I'll meet the people who she has told me so much about, and I wonder what it will be like.

I talked with a good friend last night on the phone for a while, and it was really what we needed. I'm very thankful for it. I feel like the door has been opened now, we're standing on opposite sides, and all we need to do now is reach out and grab each other.
I'm excited for that. I'm excited for another chance.

Serge is at FTX now and we won't be able to talk for this week.... but in just FOUR SHORT DAYS I will be in his arms again. It's been 13 weeks, the longest stretch we've had, and I need this so badly. I can't believe how fast and slow it went, and I cannot believe that our reunion once again is only a few days away. Each month that goes by, I'm astonished by how well we're doing. Somehow it gets better and better.

I'm meeting Eugene today at 3 to talk about working at Play N Trade again. I'm so fucking excited about that.

Happy Interruptions During TF2

Being here on campus almost 100% alone is one of the greatest experiences I've had, I'd say. It's slowly easing me into the loneliness of going home, and I've been able to do some reading and relaxing like I really needed after that crazy end of the semester. I've been playing video games, talking to friends, and spending a lot of time outside. I am very pleased with my weekend so far.

I got a text message from my previous boss at Play N Trade asking to hire me back. I was in the middle of playing Team Fortress 2, my adrenaline pumping and my fingers tapping, when the message arrived. I read it and squealed. I couldn't be happier about that right now. I have an awesome job lined up for me when I get home, a semi-fixed/semi-running vehicle, and the chance to get cracking down on my Maya, Programming and Mod building skills. Woohoo! Being offered this job got me really excited about the summer ((and it saves me a shit ton of time and effort in job hunting)).

Somehow things always work out. I just hope I'm not speaking too soon.

Champlain is Empty

Most of my friends have now officially left campus, and Cushing hall is the loneliest place in the world right now. The only people left in this building are me and my two RAs. I watched as my friends emptied their rooms, slowly stripping them bare of their previous dwellers. Some of the rooms in this building have so many memories, and to see them empty leaves a cool feeling in my bones.

My roommate left yesterday, and with her departure came a nice looking hole in the wall. Somehow she managed to rip off a big chunk of the sheetrock paper and paint -- at least I have something to remember her while I'm here. I'm excited cause her and I will be suite-mates next year too. She really was the best roommate ever.

I've spent the last few days cleaning up my room. Now that I have the stress lifted from finals and the end of the year, I feel like I can really focus on the things I need to be doing for me. Despite the week of rain ahead, I cannot wait for my Peer Advisor training to eat up the hours in my day. I cannot wait to get home so I can work on making my mother happy again. I cannot wait to get home to see those I've missed and spend some time just sitting around and enjoying life.

Double Take

What a strange day.
My teeth hurt because I've been grinding them from the stress.
I wrote 7 essays and somehow my brain is still in tact (well.. almost).
My butt crack hung out so many times today and I'm totally okay with that.
There is a hideous picture of Hillary Clinton on my homepage, and I can't stop looking at it. Her mouth is gaping, and she just looks so damn funny. I wish people didn't call her a bitch.
I can't stop drinking water today and I never normally drink water. I'm on my third bottle in the last 4 hours.
I'm still awake and I have to be up at 6:30 to get ready for a group meeting for one of my final exams tomorrow.

After tomorrow I'm done with my first year of college.

Wait -- what?!

A Skipping Stone

Irony, it seems, has come around full circle, and I'm finally starting to see things in a new perspective. There are many things about myself that I would like to change, and I often find myself wishing that my behavior isn't driving down the road of life with emotion in the driver's seat. My logic lounges in the back, occasionally giving its two cents and sitting up to steer when necessary -- but that's rare sometimes.

I'll never forget the conversation I had with a good friend of mine a while back in high school. He told me that his lungs were so full of irony, and I wonder if I'll ever understand what he meant. It's been three years, and I'm still not quite sure.

I wrote a lil poem type thingy ish.

When I am with you, my heart is a skipping stone.
Soft and smooth,
A little bit flawed -- but wait! Oh yes it is
The perfect shape,
Fitting snug inside the palm of your hand,
And those flaws -- what flaws?
This stone will go places.
Those flaws, well they just don't mean a thing.

As my heart curls up inside the warmth of your palm,
I know that you will take me places.
You'll throw me and I'll be off,
Laughing and dancing above the water, the fishes, the sand,
And I won't think of the moment
Where my dance will end
And I'll creep to the bottom to
Be found again.


~~ Throw me real hard, okay? So I can soar through the air for a long, long time.

A Peaceful View of the Afterlife

The sun has crept out from wherever it was hiding, and the people seem to have done the same. I was surprised to see this city alive with smiles and sunglasses and laughter. My skin is soaking it all in, and despite the tremendous amounts of work I have this weekend, I walked around campus without a care in the world -- at least for a few hours. I find it funny how this weather seems to bring people together, and it is unfortunate that the end of the year is so close. Maybe we'll all just pick up right where we left off when we get back.

Maybe I'm dreaming.


Per request of a friend who was in need of some sleep (and apparently bored), I wrote a bedtime story with the only requirement that it includes gold and a bear. With little direction in mind and little energy in my brain, here it is below. To say the least, I'm intrigued by the outcome, for I somehow got from nowhere to somewhere. Below is the edited version.

"The sky was almost completely clear except for the high, whispy clouds that barely tainted the overall mastery of blue. A young man, stern in his appearance yet lighthearted and peaceful in demeanor, lied upon the tall grass that stretched on for miles. Tucked in his pocket lay a worn gold pocket watch given to him by a person he couldn't quite remember. His memories were, of course, of little importance, for the sky was too beautiful to be bothered by anything else. The pocket watch ticked quietly in his hand while the wind whispered more loudly in his ears. He sighed heavily, taking in the cool breeze that rustled the grass.

"Who might you be?" said a voice startlingly close to the boy's ears

He couldn't look away from the sky, though, for he couldn't stop watching that single cloud drift by. "My name is Michael," replied the boy.

"Michael, how wonderful to meet you. My name is Bear. Can you tell me what you're looking at?"

"That cloud over there," said Michael. "It stopped moving."

Bear looked up to the sky, squinting his eyes from the sun, and paused. "Hmm. So it has. I guess that would explain why we've come together, wouldn't it?"

Michael, not fully listening to the stranger, blinked his eyes slowly and nodded in agreement.

Bear lied down next to Michael, putting his paws under his head and his feet crossed over each other. Michael, finally understanding this stranger's apparent lack of awkwardness, looked over at Bear and smiled.

"Well, I suppose that would bring us together, then," he said with a warm tone. He pulled out the pocket watch from inside his pocket and opened it to find that the second hand had stopped moving.

"Will we ever wake up?" Michael asked.

"I don't think so," replied Bear."

Examining Lies

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately, yet I just haven't the motivation to come to the computer and put them in print.

Why is it that humans have the ability to form lies? Lies have such a negative connotation in our society, in our culture, even in most parts of the world, yet when I look at lies from a Freudian perspective, I cannot help but feel my bitterness towards lies disappear. Freud believes that our behavior is shaped around our personal attempts at sustaining and protecting our egos. He would say that denial, a form of lying to oneself, is a way that we block out the truth so we are able to see ourselves in a better light and function mentally.

So are you lying to protect your ego? Think about the times you have lied, whether it is something small -- is it to do this?

I would say that it is.

And in many ways it makes me understand why people lie, and while I'd rather know the truth, if it is best for you to lie to me, then maybe that's okay sometimes.

Sometimes I wish that Serge would lie to me. I'm running out of things to say to him to try and make him feel better. He hates AIT, he's incredibly unhappy, and I have not felt more helpless. Every night that we've talked this past week, he has just held so much anger towards his situation that he will not even talk about anything else, and all of his horrible feelings get dumped on me.. and there's nothing I can do. I'm going to bed frustrated every night because I cannot be there for him anymore.
~*~
Things at school are going really well. I'm slowly warming up to the idea of summer, and I really miss my family. I'm looking forward to seeing them.

Let There Be Light

I have my headphones blaring something new, real and raw, and I'm feeling like today is something for the books. Another month has gone by and somehow a snowy spring day can still lift my spirits -- but something doesn't feel quite right. Maybe it's the music putting me into this mood where every little snowflake has a story to tell that I'm ready and open to listen to.

My memory goes towards a day at the beginning of my time here at Champlain where the visual image of a beautiful woman is sitting under a blooming tree and the shadows are hiding her eyes but illuminating her shoulders. Something about that was so peaceful to me, and I'm realizing now that it's because I want to be her.
Suddenly that image isn't so peaceful anymore.

I'm tired of school work. I want the summer sun and the many hours of solitude that wait ahead.

Jackpot

"In every walk with nature, one receives far more than one seeks." -John Muir

And today nature has given me so much more than I could even ask for, and I receive it with open arms, and, because of its slowly falling crystals, with a wide open mouth. The college is canceled for the day, and the excitement is keeping me far from sleep. My game design class was canceled as well -- a much needed break from the high stress atmosphere. With this weekend just around the corner I can feel the weight of the last few weeks crumbling away from my shoulders and giving me plenty of space to flutter around. In other words, I'm so fucking happy.

It's a snowday -- one of those days you wake up and pray to something that some force will cancel school and that something listens and grants you that wishful prayer by making some force snow like hell.

I almost feel bad for not believing in it.

Friendly Reminders

I went ice skating last night. I reminisced about the times he and I had gone and I loved every second of it. On the ice I feel free. I feel like I'm moving faster than I will ever move, and that even once in my life I can achieve some sort of grace.

It's lovely. It's absolutely lovely.

Some Writing is Timeless

I'm not sure what to make of this day.


-- Springtime

They are speaking of how the sun will shine
And how the clouds have blessed this.
O, you’re raining today,
As you did yesterday
And you’ve done every day.

No dawn or dusk has graced us yet.
Tonight’s a full moon, but who’s keeping track?
Your shoes dragged this dirt--
I haven’t stepped a foot outside.
Speak, I beg of you.
I no longer can stare at blanks, and
I’m tired of holding the pieces together.

I’m aware of the emptiness through each door.
I’m bloated with clothing that's plagued with holes, while
Holding my needle and pin on the porch,
Patching with the underlying thread of my love.
The rain is the solace that’s gifted us this year
With streaks and buckets and puddles.

Just relax, breathe in the sweet blacktop
And forget that I’m alone every day in the attic
Trying relentlessly with each rain drop
To sniffle in every cloud you’ve got. --

In the style of T.S. Eliot. Written last year, revisited today.

But not since you left have the waves come.

Powering Down

I like to tell my secrets to the leaves.
A single leaf tells the secret to the wind,
And the wind tells the secret
To all of the other leaves and trees.

And they will all laugh with you,
All in unison
Swaying and bending over in laughter.


I need some laughter.